Etsy as Therapy

Well, yes.  I haven't written in quite a while.  Sadly, the reason is that my headaches have continued to be an issue.  Not only has this meant I haven't been thrifting, it also means I haven't been getting dressed in "real" clothes very often; I spend most days in t shirts and shorts.  I was actually excited to pull together an outfit today and yesterday, but the bedroom is in no shape for me to start taking pictures of myself again.

This does not mean, however, that I have made no purchases at all.  In fact, jewelery has been something that I have purchased a great deal of: With accessories, such as jewelry, you can see it online, judge the length, width, size, etc, and as long as you fit that measurement, you know it will look good!

The most exciting purchase has been my eternity ring, which I got ahead of our 10th Anniversary, which is next month.  I actually received it in April, and DH has received his (a different style) as well.  Unfortunately, he has to resize it (NOT our fault), but it is a lovely ring.  The ring I got was a narrow (2m) rounded yellow gold band, with 15 tiny white sapphires embedded inset into the gold, i.e., not channel set.  I personally am opposed to diamonds, although DH got diamonds (tiny ones, very discrete) in his ring. Anyway, here is mine: 

This ring seems so much prettier to me than the standard diamond channel set ones.   I love it, and I wear it on my ring finger with my wedding ring.   These days, because our anniversary is a month from tomorrow, I have also been wearing the ring DH got me for our 5th anniversary, a blue sapphire in a gold art-deco style setting.

Plus, this ring got me excited about white sapphires. Sapphires are my birthstone, and I know that they come in all colors, but I had never thought of white sapphires as a work around for my dislike for diamonds, which is based on my political beliefs.  And the quality of stones is better, because it is not as expensive a stone in the first place. 

This discovery had me digging around for white sapphire earrings.  My ears are very sensitive, and need good quality earrings in them as "retainers," so when I want to wear a base metal, I can get away with it for a day.  Then I immediately put good earrings back in again.  Well these are my current "retainer earrings," white sapphire studs: 

Now these were more "fine jewelry" purchases, which I admit to wanting because an engagement ring was not financially in the cards when DH and I were engaged.  I am so glad we didn't wait, but if we could have afforded one, I would have liked one.  So this is kind of my overcompensation for that.

Let me recommend Etsy for fine jewelry:  You don't have to pay the retail markup, and even though my ring is "fine jewelry," it cost about half of what it would at a "real" jewelry store.

The rest of my purchases were costume jewelry, including a lot of 50 bracelets I bought from the online shopgoodwill.com site.  That was like having a corner of a Goodwill shop in my home, and I found a lot of vintage, and even a couple of antique bracelets!  One of the antique bracelets I saw online for $125!

Aside from that one foray into the world of mixed lots, there have been many Etsy purchases.  I am Etsy's bitch.  It has almost been like I have been using purchases from Etsy to make me feel better about how lousy I feel so much of the time.  Well, actually, it isn't "like" it; I have definitely been using purchases to cheer me up.

One of Etsy shops that was not only the first store at which I made a purchase, but that I have returned to most often, is Wychbury, which is in the West Midlands of the UK.  I have purchased hair pins, brooches, necklaces, and bracelets, they just seem to feed into my obsessive anglophile-ism.  One recent purchase was called an "herbal tea bracelet."  Of the many things I have purchased from them, this is my very favorite:

 

I also recently replaced a pretty necklace of theirs that I wore to pieces; my original one was more "english garden" themed, but this one is definitely "bluebells:"

 

They also sell hairpins made of vintage fabric and buttons.  Since my migraines have become so incredibly bad, I have had to start relying on hairpins.  Barrettes, or even the weight of my hair pulled back into a pony tail, is enough to give me a "hatband headache," which is lovely melange of both a migraine and tension headache.  Yes, you can have more than one type of headache at once.  Joy.

So I have also been active with a kind of strange charity, April's Army, which is a spin off of the hysterical site, Regretsy.com, which scours Etsy.com to put a spotlight on some of the more questionable merchandise.  One of the advantages of being a member of this charity team is that people often give discounts to other team members for no reason other than to be nice.  One instance of this was in the case of WrensEye.  She had an "Apocalypse Sale" the week of the Apocalypse that wasn't on May 21, and I swooped in and snatched up two items I had been eying covetously, at 50% off!

Coin pearl necklace

Blood drop earrings

Both really pretty.  I wear the coin pearl necklace a lot, it is just very simple and elegant.  And I love the somewhat baroque look, even though they are freshwater pearls.  

The final purchase I am going to show off for now is some more fabric hairpins, that I really love.  They are simple, and come in all different colors.  I got this set, as well as a set in neutral (white, black, brown):

These are made by PaisleyMoon

 Oh! Just one more purchase, a bit of a surprise for DH, in honor of the theme of our wedding, the Mad Hatter's Tea Party, as well as the Jabberwock Inn, where we honeymooned, celebrated our first anniversary, and are scheduled to celebrate our 10th!

Alice In Wonderland Light Switch Plate

Now this seems like a ton of stuff, but I have purchased it over the last 4 months, so it isn't as dreadful as it seems.  The big (exciting) expenditure was on my ring. 

The last week has been better than the week before.  If this week is as good or better, I might finally be able to go thrifting for the first time since December!

Blog fatigue

Hey!  I haven't been around for a while, but there are a few reasons for that.  I have been having horrific headaches, and a couple of mood bobbles and when I have had the energy to blog, I blog on a support site for the crazies.

When I just feel like splatting words onto a page, as a writing exercise, I have been using 750words.com.  A great place to write garbage safely. I still fixate on myself, too much, I need to be more conscious of having an idea or topic upon which to riff.

So with all the writing I was doing here in December, followed by my spreading my writing efforts on other websites, and the headaches, I have been neglecting this blog.

Well, I hope to both get back into the "What I wore," and thrift shop finds. I do believe I haven't shown you some of my final finds before this total collapse of my health.  Not to mention general the discussions about body image and BP illness.  I can sense it will be coming soon....

Through the Looking Glass: Prompt 25 #reverb10

Dec. 25.   Photo.  A present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

"Curiouser and Curiouser."  Alice, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass

Self Portrait.  Taken Saturday, July 10, 2010, through the looking glass, at the Oregon Country Fair.

The summation of a year in one picture:  Which way is up?

Dain Bramage and Neurosurgery

[Editor's note:  I noticed that I often write garbled sentences in these blog posts.  This is not just due to poor writing skills, but also because I often post extremely late/early, and wrap up when I feel fatigued enough to sleep.  So my proof reading is often shoddy.  My new policy will be I may go back into posts to correct grammar or spelling without notification.  Content changes will be noted.] 

Well, excitement has abounded at the home of DH and crtclms.  DH was transported from his job to the ER for the second time in 10 days.  This time he didn't hit his head.  The prior seizure, he caught the orbital bone of his eye on the corner of his desk on his way down, which gave him an impressive shiner.  This time, he went into a fugue, during which he wanders around in a semi-conscious state.

So off to the ER I went.  I couldn't find my purse, and during the hunt, I had time to snap a pic.  I know how long it takes them to process him, and expected to arrive before he was released, and this turned out to be true:

So, leaf-type chandelier earrings you have seen; dirty hair pulled up; new lavender top with rhinestone embellishment from recent GW hunt; ancient pair of bleach spattered jeans from dog care; they look worse than usual because I was in a hurry, and pulled on dirty jeans.   One attempt to hide part of the dirt was the boots.  Now, I love these boots, one of my gypsy princess purchases, and really I do understand it is a matter of personal taste, but I saw them and had to buy them.  The velvet inset on the top is very close in color to the sweater:

Ah yes, the infamous computer backdrop.  Hey, sometimes it is the only way I am not too lazy to take the picture.

Anyway, you can see the velvet, with embroidery, trimmed with a narrow floral band.  Tweed laced through, and the seam above the ankle is tweed, too.  I bought these about two years ago, and one of the nice things about them is you can wear them with a longer skirt, or under jeans, and they just look like plain brown boots.

And we are back to the Land of Fucked Up Brains:  This was not only the second time in 10 days I had to go pick DH up from the ER, it was the 2nd time I had to do so with a migraine.  This is not to complain about his timing, but to demonstrate what a fun month we are having generally.  In the fall, my frequent migraines actually morph into "Chronic Daily Headache."   This is not only painful and incapacitating, it is embarrassing:  Headaches are invisible, and how many times in a short period of time would you accept the excuse, "I'm sorry, I have to cancel, I have a headache,"  when this is the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time in a month I have had to cancel?  Only people who know me extremely well can even tell I am in the midst of a headache.  Plus, migraines manifest in a lot of "non-headache" ways, which can ruin any social outing, even without actual pain. Today, for instance, I have been "buzzy" because a weather front is coming in, and migraines are often triggered by weather fronts.  What does "buzzy" mean?  Hard to say, but I can feel things going on in my head.  However, even though it was a term I thought I came up with on my own, I found anyone who has migraines or epilepsy knows what I mean when I say "buzzy," and many already use the term to describe their own cranial happenings.

It is also humiliating as to how it affects my marriage.  "Not tonight, I have a headache" isn't a "line" in my home, it is a pretty much daily occurrence.  While sexual activity as a general rule is helpful to headache patients, that is only the case when they are not in the throws of an actual attack.  It is upsetting and guilt inducing to feel like you are not up to being an equal partner in intimate aspects of your marriage.  I actually quit a medication that was working somewhat at controlling my head, because it totally destroyed my libido, to the extent I didn't even like to be touched.  My neurologist agreed with me my marriage was more important than the medication.

DH has also had horrible, life-altering side-effects from medication.  A lot of people don't realize that when you have a chronic illness, you are not only dealing with the illness itself, but also with the sometimes severe and dangerous side-effects of prescription pharmaceuticals.  This is why I use Cannabis, and why I feel so strongly about protecting its medical use, and legalization in general.

Now, the activity of having to pull myself together to get DH did distract me from the pain a bit, and other than the purse mishap, I got to Stanford pretty quickly.  This is one of the first times I had been to Stanford ER in the early afternoon, usually it has been at night.  ERs are SO much calmer during the day!  DH was awake and alert (he apparently had awoken while being strapped to the gurney).  I actually know how to read the monitor he is attached to now, and all of his vitals, including blood oxygen, were excellent.

The nurses and doctors on call were very nice, because they weren't overwhelmed.  They kept coming in to tell us what stage they were at with DH's release every few minutes, which has never happened before.  Then, the doctor came in, and said DH's neurosurgeon, who is the head of the Stanford Epilepsy Center, wanted to talk to us before we left.  Again, a first.  But we knew seizures were coming too fast and hard.  What we didn't expect was how blunt his Dr. F was.  When he walked into the room, the first thing out of his mouth was, "This is not acceptable."  He is concerned that DH is having so many seizures it may start causing more brain damage, or that he may really hurt himself hitting his head, which DH does regularly, and we have been lucky that a black eye is the worst thing that has ever come of it.

The question for both of us:  What quality of life is acceptable, and what isn't?  Are the number of headaches I have by refusing to take a particular medication worth the physical intimacy, not just sexual, but day to day, I share with my husband, worth it?  How many seizures, how many drug side effects, will my DH be able to tolerate, and still lead some semblance of a normal life?

Monday's ER visit brought this question into sharp relief for DH.  Dr. F informed DH and myself that brain surgery could no longer be postponed until next Fall as we had planned, and that DH's job was now officially secondary to his health.  This is a little scary for us, because what some of you do not know is, DH got his current job a few weeks before I started this blog.  This had been after being laid off for 10 months (he had had one short job that blew up).  It is a fabulous job, that he loves, and we are pretty sure they love him.  We don't want him to lose it, and we frankly can't afford it, especially if DH has the surgery, and we don't resume receiving income after his recovery.

But, he has violent seizures about once a week, and less violent ones one or twice a week.  He can't drive.  He has had seizures on his bike, and on public transportation, so even though he isn't a danger to others, he is actually very likely to get hurt even when not behind the wheel.  He has to take almost all his sick and personal days to recover from seizures.  He has visible hypoxia of the brain (under-oxygenated parts) on his MRIs.

I had to stop working at my job as a doggie daycare provider because my foot was reconstructed in January, and it only now is beginning to feel like a real foot (it takes about a year to totally heal).  So even though my salary was meager, I was at least working.  Now, my foot is not strong enough for dog care, and my headaches are preventing any aspirations of any other part-time work.  I can only work half-time, because of my migraines, and my mood disorder.  Like headaches, bipolar illness is invisible, and like migraine, it limits my life even though it leaves no mark on me physically.  In order to keep myself even somewhat healthy, my p-doc in Pittsburgh told me I should only work part time, or at most, a clerical level job if I were going to work full-time.  So much for that Ivy League education.

The round-about point is, I am bringing in zero income myself.  We might be entirely reliant on an account we were really hoping on not touching.  My only "hope" is that he is eligible for disability from work or the State.  His contract doesn't say he has to have worked there any amount of time in particular to be eligible for their benefits, so we have our fingers crossed, but are prepared for either possibility.  [The old law student in me wanted to abbreviate that to "K," which is a legal shorthand for "contract."]  Because he has only been there a few months, we don't know what kind of leave he is eligible for.  He would be willing to take an unpaid leave, if it meant there would be a job to go back to.  That would wipe out our savings (making Goodwill even more attractive to Ms. Hypo-mania), but we have enough.  As one of my friends said to me yesterday, we can get more money, I am thankful we have what we do.   DH's health is more important than our savings, any day.

We are upper middle class, even given the loss of income and savings during DH's unemployment.  We have had health insurance, either through COBRA, or his new job.  I know it isn't exactly the same as those families who have to declare bankruptcy, and I understand that most of our monetary hit did not come from DH's or my conditions per se.  But the expense of co-pays for meds and treatment, seeing doctors, having surgery (we both will have had surgery in 2010), ER visits, the lost days to migraines, the compulsive spending that often accompanies my mood changes, it helps to chip away at our income.

So that can also be added to the daily cost, in money, body, and spirit, of chronic illness.

Now, I do have purchases and outfits to show you.  And tomorrow is a fundraiser for a Food bank, where I intend to do some Hannukah shopping, and I will come home with other things to show you.  But even the little "fashion" I did have in this post didn't seem to fit the tenor of the post, so I am saving it for this weekend.  As Eddie Izzard would say, "Ciaooooo!"

Goodwill and cash

So I am behind in what I wore.  Also behind in what I have purchased.  This is going to be a photo dump.  But last weekend I was so busy with class, I was zonked when I got home.  This week, I had so many headaches, I didn't even dress Wednesday.  Then yesterday, I am certain I took a picture, because I keep taking them until they are almost in focus (har) and I saw the picture.  I must have deleted it by accident, but I know I will wear that outfit again, because it was easy and it matched.

Monday, I had the headache I had managed to put off during the weekend.  Saturday and Sunday, I did have to pop a couple of Imitrex, but survived.  I am wearing the "Yes on Prop 19" t shirt I bought at the bookstore at Oaksterdam U.  Awful jeans, they are going into the Goodwill bag, I think they are Target.  And suede Doc Martens MJs.

Tuesday I felt better, and of course, that meant shopping.  Goodwill this time, and I picked out a great deal of stuff for $31 and change.  My spending still sucks, because I am no longer limiting it to Goodwill, though. :(

The top is NY & Co., a turquoise empire top that is distorted by my hips.  The fabric has a kind of gather all over it, you can kind of see it.  Textured fabric is supposed to de-emphasize a lack of waist, and  I have to admit, it almost looks like I have a waist in this picture.  The skirt is Costco, and I keep almost giving it away.  But it is like a pair of jeans.  I see it hits my legs in a horrible spot, so into the Goodwill bag it goes.  The shoes are some black penny loafer mules.  The hairband was some excessive shopping I did in beauty supply store.

I got that headband in black and ivory.  It has an embossed fabric overlay, and a flower pouf-thing.  I am into flowers and pouf at the moment.  I also got a pretty claw clip (it doesn't have that butterfly hinge that is so awful), and a fuzzy ponytail holder.  Then I bought what I actually went in there for:  One of those dye wands for touching up your roots, and a waxing kit.  The wand works pretty well, but it is a little more work than I expected.  It lasts between washes, you can get it wet, but not soapy.  The waxing kit I was going to try tonight, but decided against pulling hair out of my face while I had a headache.  I still have a mask to do tonight, I am girly-girling out.  BUT, my skin has been beyond fantastic.  In fact, I haven't touched the spot zit treatment in days.

I am nervous about the waxing kit.  I have an eyebrow pencil just in case.

Okay, so Wednesday, I was punished for my profligacy (Goodwill finds are coming up).  I was so sick, it was one of the all day ones, where you basically writhe because there is no escape in any position, or with any home remedy.  So no picture.

Thursday I didn't feel great, but I had to get to the supermarket to pick up our meds, DH was about to totally run out.  You've seen that shirt before, in a variety of colors.  I wore the black one on Friday.  I look like shit in general, and those are the same awful jeans.  That is an old Target purse, and the shoes are pink and white mules, also from Target.

Yesterday, I wore new black knit pants I got Tuesday.  They are knit, but structured (they zip up the side), so they look like nice pants, not my usual knits.  The black shirt version of the pink-y shirt above, and a red Ann Taylor sweater coat (not the full length time).  It is one of my favorite pieces of clothing, although to be honest, it is over-sized.  I like how it looks though.  I wore a pair of black skimmers (how many pair of black shoes do I own?).  I wore my black hairband, and the necklace I had purchased at Eni-thing, which matched earrings I had purchased a month or so ago.

Today was an awful day.  DH had a seizure, I woke up with a vomit inducing migraine, and the gardeners were here, so Violet was shrieking all day.  After throwing up a few times, I remembered I had just gotten Imitrex shots on Thursday, so I took one of those.  I also used a very strong Indica, "Burgundy Goo," which helped me eat something, and took away another layer of pain.

I have spent the day in pajamas, although I ran out to talk to a GOTV guy.  Violet was going insane, and I said, "Violet, be nice, he's a Democrat," and he laughed.  I am voting straight Dem as always.  I used to split my vote, but no more.

So now we are going into one of my purchase lists, so hang on.  These boots are the highest heel I can wear, but the stacked heel saves me.  Ironically, I couldn't have worn them before my surgery, because my left foot was too mis-shapen.

They are definitely special occasion only.

This top is navy, and is super cute.  It can be layered, and looks really cute with jeans and boots (I have a lot of boots, at the moment):

As much as you can say I am need of a particular type of clothing, blouses are it.

I used this purse Friday night when DH and I went out to eat.

This is a really cute, compact purse, I think the boa trim is visible in this pic.  Again, more of a dress item.

I bought this lamp and lampshade separately.  The base is actually off-white, and I am still deciding whether to pain the metal part.  It is kind of incongruous, but our bed frame was jerry-rigged, we have an Eames era wrought iron bed, which is not standard size.  It has a bit of an industrial look:  We bolted it together, planning to paint the bolts black, but decided we liked the contrast.

So six items for $30 is not the best bargain I have knocked out, but the boots were over a third of that.  The lamp was $2 total.

So that is what I bought on Tuesday.

No seriously, I wore stuff

Okay, I have learned that removing images that I have posted on flickr, even when I lift the html, makes them disappear blog. So sorry that some of my pictures have disappeared. I maybe will fix some of the "outfit" pictures.

I haven't posted any outfits in a while, but that doesn't mean I haven't been keeping records. And I know this is going to be super self-indulgent, but I am going to also start taking pictures of my jewelry, so I can refer to it. Hey, this is my frivolous "what I wore" blog, as well as my pensive "who AM I" blog.

So, I am just going to show "outfits" in order, and then discuss them as I go along. This should be an absolutely riveting post. But I am learning things.

Friday, it began to cool off, but was still warm. The top is an Exhilaration top by Target (which I am currently boycotting). The pants are those ugly Costco Capri's again. We will see these again soon, and I have more to say on that. The hair pin is one of my larger kanzashi, blue and pink. the usual Birkenstock: In my defense, I have to limit my footwear due to foot reconstruction less than a year ago, with more surgery to come.



I also wore these beautiful earrings, another GW find. Perfect fall colors. No necklace, the scoop neck is elasticized and ruffled.



Saturday, I actually had a reason to dress fairly nicely: NakedJen, DH and I had plans for lunch at our usual Ginormous Whole Foods in Cupertino, a central meeting place in the Silicon Valley for us. But, after I got dressed, fate intervened, in the form of a disgruntled host, and two silly dogs, so she had to run back to Santa Cruz. We see each other enough, it wasn't a big deal. But this is what I dressed in:



You are familiar with a lot of these clothes. Brown cotton tunic with embossed insets on the front and the sleeves; Coldwater creek jeans (I am washing these clothes occasionally, so don't panic). I also wore my Bass black zip up ankle boots.
They couldn't be more practical, classic, or comfortable. If I take care of them, I will be able to where them my whole life.

The jewelry is almost all new to you, save those earrings (they go with everything, seriously). On my right wrist, you can see a sculpted silver bangle bracelet, my parents gave it to me for my 16th birthday. I also am wearing a signed Navajo totem charm necklace.This is one of the coolest pieces of jewelry I own. I have to take pictures of these things when I am not wearing them. Again, I see long posts of earrings and necklaces. Riveting reading, hold onto your hats.

Sunday, I didn't feel great, which shows in my demeanor. I was very upset about Heather, I was still in shock. plus, I had a stupid menstrual headache. Oops, was that TMI? That pink shirt with the white "shirt" hanging below it: That is all of a piece, another Costco purchase. Not my favorite. I have a lot of solid color Costco for my old doggie daycare job, as we had to wear solid colored shirts. I didn't want to wear nice enough clothes that I cared if they got ruined by dogs or chemicals.

Now the Capri's. This is their second wear, which is pretty standard for me and pants. With jeans, I usually wear them 3 times, and sometimes, I admit, even a fourth. But look, these are far more awful than they were Friday. I have relegated them to pajamas, or at worst, gym clothes: No more wearing them as "real" clothes. I suspect I have a lot of knits I am going to be equally unhappy with. This is actually becoming a useful way of winnowing and organizing my wardrobe. I ORGANIZED MY CLOSET today. At least what was already in it. I have many more clothes to wash, or get dry cleaned.



As usual, my hair looked like shit. But my necklace was cute:



One of my MANY Wychbury purchases. I just got another packet from them, so I have more fun stuff to show off soon. They created the pansy that is the inspiration for my cover-up tattoo.

Monday I didn't do much, just hung around the house, literally. You may notice I am actually barefoot, which I am trying to not make a habit, I have discovered the more "dressed" I am, the more likely I am to run errands, and go out, which is good for my mental health, and good practice for my social anxiety.

Now I am pretty sure those jeans don't look THAT bad on me. They are just plain old Levis, and I can't recreate that bagginess when I am using my own two eyes. Also, wearing a cheapo Costco henley shirt. AND I noticed a stain on it, so at the end of the day, into the trash it went. So you see, this is a bit like winnowing my wardrobe. Sort of my own little "What Not to Wear."



No jewelry, dirty hair. This is pretty standard when my mood is bobbling around my baseline, I have better and worse days.

On Tuesday, I wore this to my p-doc appt. I know I wore the skirt just the other day, but I thought it was a pretty different look:



I had my hair pulled back, and a Calvin Klein casual scoop-neck long-sleeved top, the sleeves are inset like tiny mutton chop sleeves. Padded shoulders and emphasizing my shoulders (not to 1980s proportions) is supposed to be a good style for apple shaped people. Believe it or not, the shirt looked better tucked in. The necklace is a $2 purchase, it is just faux gold and beads, and it is very long. You can see I have it knotted, and in the picture with DC early in the blog, you can see I am wearing it doubled up. I also am wearing these earrings:



Yes, Wychbury again! They know who I am now. Har.

Today was a double outfit today. That is because I woke up feeling horrible. Seriously awful. I didn't have a headache yet, but I think I staved it off somewhat. Anyway, here I am in jammies, a tshirt, and a jacket (I am always cold when migraine-y



At about 4:30, I started feeling better. I called in my scripts, and realized that on Friday, not only would I have to drive out to Lucky, I wanted to go to Enica's holiday art party at Eni-thing. I decided to just take the American Express gift card Sister2 gave us for our anniversary. DH has spaced on it, and I do want to go to this party, and buy some pretty things, maybe even some early gifts. BUT, I might try to hit up the Sunnyvale GW if I don't get to sleep sometime soon. It is, after all, now 5:30. Who knows, I might stay up and go, then nap. Sigh.

At any rate, I started feeling better, and I decided rather than squeeze in another trip Friday to SBAC dispensary while I was feeling okay, since who knew how I would feel in a bit. Okay, another lesson learned courtesy of the GPS: During rush hour, take side streets. Geez.

DH got home shortly after I did. I actually will admit, I bought a few strains and told him they were purely for headaches, and he was not to smoke it. I also got some hash, since he won't smoke it. That way, at least I know I will have SOMETHING to take every night for the next two weeks, and it is surprisingly cheap. Cannabis is better, but hash will do. I feel bad, I wonder about his dependence, but I actually have more difficulty without it than he. Of course, that is because I start having more migraines, but it also means I have a hard time limiting his intake. Ugh.

More on non fashion topics tomorrow/today.

Odds and ends

Well, I am excited, because I have settled on a basic concept for my cover up tattoo. I actually consulted with one of the artists at an Etsy shop I "frequent," and got permission to base the tattoo off of her brooches. My last tattoo was partially based on a Tudor Rose brooch I bought from them. I should have asked permission, but it didn't occur to me, to be honest. It was only after I thought about it that I realized they were owed some credit for my tattoo design. That was a "meaningful" tattoo, because the Tudor Rose was in memory of my Boxer "Good Queen Bess," and it was surrounded by Violets (for guess who).



This time I will be basing it on her pansy brooches, particularly this one. Cover-ups are usually pretty big tattoos, so I am also going to incorporate the Ophelia quotation from "Hamlet": "And there is pansies, that's for thoughts..." which is a an idea directly ripped-off from the shop description of the brooch. But I don't think Shakespeare is protected by copy write. Har. I won't be able to do this for a few months. due to cost, but it is awesome to have settled on the final idea, I am in love with it. And I know H will be excited to start working on a basic design. The last tattoo ended up being a four person project. I came up with the idea, Wychbury provided the model for one part of it, H did the rough design, and Jessica from Staircase Tattoo refined it, and made it look more botanically correct.




So, it has been very hot here, in the mid-90s. Which has, of course, influenced my wardrobe choices. What I wore yesterday: My little Tiffany silver Tudor Rose earrings, a sage green spaghetti strap top I got at GW, which has kind of extra fabric that you tie in front, so it has a layered look. It has spaghetti straps, so I have to wear a camisole with a shelf bra, and in this case, it was a neon green one. I really am not thrilled with my arms, but I tend to wear tank tops a lot. Also, I wore some green denim shorts, also GW. Finally, I wore my Keen flip flops, I guess officially they are Waimea H2.

Here I am:



These are the sandals, although mine are grey:



Today was very hot as well. It also is a day worth remarking on, because it is the first time I have taken a picture of an outfit and thought, "Shriek, that is horrible on me." I couldn't have emphasized my faults better, and the shirt I wore was just too small. So it is going to Goodwill. I guess this is going to be a major aspect of the blog, seeing myself in clothes and saying, "HOLY SHIT!" So I am wearing a camisole (same neon color, different one), the v-neck collared sage and ivory striped shirt that is going to GW, same shorts, and purple Crocs flip flops.



The striped shirt is supposed to be cropped, but I don't think it is supposed to end just below my boobs. And the horizontal stripes are just, well....

I was going to go to a drop in beginning belly dancing class tonight, but then the owner told me the place had no air-conditioning. I decided that would be one thing if I were already in reasonable shape, but trying out a new exercise under the worst possible conditions was not exactly giving the new type of exercise a chance. So I will go next Wednesday.

We got our American Express bill, and it is just deadly. We won't be totally back on our feet until early December (just in time for my family's very competitive holiday gift giving, ugh). Our savings are pretty much zero, although we do have stocks we could sell, so we do have some net worth. We won't have to sell them unless there is an emergency, so that is good. Still, even though we wiped out are savings, that is what savings is for, right? We got through 10 months, and they always say save up 6 months. So we obviously had passed that goal. But now we are starting over. First savings goal, save 10k. It is like going back to the beginning of our marriage.

My mood chart says my function has gone from good to moderate. I agree. I have a lot of signs of hypo mania, but unfortunately, none of the useful ones. Mostly agitation, sleeplessness, over-eating, but none of that energy, or the "high." I am anxious about seeing my shrink, our last meeting did not end on a happy note, and now this will be our last meeting before he goes on sabbatical. Ugh, a new psychiatrist. I really like *this* guy, even if we did have a bit of a tiff.

NakedJen has landed in Santa Cruz with her doggie companions, Stella and Buddha. DH and I will be seeing her on Saturday. On Sunday, I am going to a "bird class," to learn about bird care, because we might be getting a bird! DH seems to waver back and forth on it. I am very interested, but if he doesn't want one, there is no point. It was supposed to be kind of a "concession" to him, although that isn't the right word. I just mean it was his turn to get something he wanted, and it was a bird. But now he is going back and forth. My biggest concern is that the bird will shriek while I have migraines, and I will want to kill it. Joking. Sort of. The cage would have to be in our room, there is no room elsewhere, and the light setup is the best and healthiest for a bird, as well. Violet's "hang out" is in the study, so we could have them both secured in separate rooms when we left (I would NEVER leave Violet with access to the bird while I wasn't there.

In other, more alternative news, the weekend after this coming one (23rd-24th) I start classes at Oaksterdam University, where I have my first medical cannabis course, Basic 101 Weekend . This course is a 1/2 of their Classic Curriculum. Their Classic Curriculum lasts 13 weeks, the way I am doing it is over two weekends classes. I am very psyched about this.

Well, I think my shopping is mostly done for a while, but I still have tons and tons of finds to show off to those of you who have not already had the misfortune of being forced to look at them as I purchased them. And I am also sure I will have just as many appalling outfits to post. I need it to cool off, I have many more things to wear once it goes into the 60s.

Shopping Blitz

Vintage (80sish) burgundy crinkly cotton maxi-skirt (new with tags), and sage green cropped blouse. The blouse has a patchwork of the fabric, with different patterns of embroidery on each panel. I also wore some black leather skimmers. There's my little green purse again.

I have now been awake for 29 hours, and am getting my second wind. Ugh. Hypo mania, here I come. Well, I see the Dr. in literally a week. You probably cannot have failed to notice that my shopping is somewhat compulsive. It is like some kind of emotional compromise I have made with myself about spending when I am "high," it is okay to buy a lot of things, if I don't pay a lot over all. This can actually still get me into trouble, but would be more of an issue if I were shopping for clothes in the mall. I used to shop for a lot of my clothes on eBay, and this is even less expensive. Hey, cannabis is expensive, we save where we can. Uh, right, I am an AWESOME saver.

Anyway, I put all this energy to good use this morning. DH overslept, and I took him into work, since I was awake anyway. Then I decided to try a Salvation Army, and went to the main San Jose branch. When I first walked in, it did NOT look promising, but it was absolutely enormous. I decided not to even look at skirts, pants or shorts, and focus solely on tops. While I was looking, the manager of the store announced that they were clearing out inventory, and you would get one item of equal or lesser price for free with another item.

One thing I noticed right away was that they weren't as picky about what they put on the floor as Goodwill. They leave it up to you to find any tears or stains, although in my opinion, they pretty much pointedly marked things down with defects. I realized I had really honed my technique, I can get through a lot of clothes fast, and know what spots to look at quickly for wear and tear. If I have any hesitation over it, I don't pull it. There is plenty there to try on, I shouldn't waste time on stuff I already don't really like, or that might be too tired.

The cool thing was when I checked out, they used the highest priced item, and the next highest priced item as the free item, it wasn't like they chose the lowest half of the prices. So I got 8 pieces of clothing, for $29.94. Good lord, I scare myself, I remind myself of my grandmother. But she would buy things on sale JUST because they were on sale. She once bought 50 house coats, because, "They were just $2 each!" Of course, neither she nor anyone she knew actually wore house coats. There is a horrific throw back, do you remember house coats?

So, this is one of those horrific lists of things I bought. I am such a spoiled housewife, but at least I know it. I moved the date up for my first class, so that will actually be the weekend after this one. Oops, I better make a hotel reservation.... But anyway, it is the worst kind of consumption, but at least it is "re-using and recycling," and it really is not expensive.

I was heavy on the red spectrum and the sweaters and jackets. I have to go through my shirts, some of them have holes in them from dog teeth, and that sort of thing, I may need a couple more dressy tops, but other than that, I really am set for the fall and winter.

Burgundy-ish crochet short sleeved cardigan, the sleeves are kind of like longer flutter sleeves. I think the brand is not a very good one, White Stag; that could be a Wal-mart front, but I figure they aren't getting the money.



Sky blue sweater vest, it looks handmade. It is open down the sides almost to the waist band:



I am beginning to have a little trouble switching back and forth between windows, especially as I have Flickr open in Firefox, and this open in Safari, since I have two separate gmail accounts, one signed in on each browser. So I could stop this post at some point.

Black cotton cable knit sweater with rolled collar. Sorry about the glare, it was 90 today:



Red asymmetrical linen-blend tunic with wood buttons, can be worn alone or over something:



The glare made this blouse very hard to see: It is a metallic red blouse, with back and gold threads through it. But while shimmery, it would be appropriate for an office, Not that I am likely to wear it to an office, that is more likely for dressing up for me. Fabric covered buttons, which I always really like:



You can see red is definitely a theme here. A red wool blazer, it skims over my body pretty well, which is what I need clothes to do. Another woman shopping next to me actually insisted I buy it. Har. I forget what shape this is called, but I wore this shape a lot when I was practicing law, so for some reason, it must be a good cut on me.




I love this, I have to think of how I will use it though. Hot pink linen Ralph Lauren box-y blazer, it hits me at just below the hip, which is a good place for me.



This picture doesn't really do a fair job of showing this next jacket off. It has a really nice look to the fabric, kind of pseudo-suede-y. It is actually the nicest piece I bought, but it looks washed out in the photo. This is a deep red cropped jacket. I can wear this with a zillion things. Red can be a great neutral, I have learned.



There! I think that is it for this trip! I actually have a few things to show you from last week, but I actually am getting pooped, and I can't look a gift foot in the mouth, or something.


'Night!

Lush Lust, Fear of Makeup, and what makes a girly-girl, Part the Second

So while I could rant and rave some more about Lush, I have decided to restrain myself for the moment, and move onto other topics. See, I didn't even link to their site.

As I said earlier, this blog was a response to nakedjen's series on makeup that she wrote to participate in a project by Rabbit Write. It made me think about how makeup has played different roles in my life at different times. In Junior High, it was about rebellion and exploring sexuality. In High School, it was de rigeur, I didn't even think about it. I didn't care if people saw me without makeup, but my routine was to wear it.

In college, I continued to wear it, more or less. I started to suffer my first depression my freshman year of college. Makeup became a little more erratic during those periods. And I went through extremes. At one point, I spent over $100 buying makeup at the Coop, allowing a middle aged, over made-up woman convince me to buy everything from moisturizer to powder, as if it were soup to nuts. I was probably a little hypo manic, but of course, I had no clue about those things in those days. $100 was a lot of money for me. It was technically a month's allowance (although I can genuinely say this was ridiculously low: Even the students receiving full scholarships were given more spending money than that). I worked under the table, because my parents had some arrangement with their taxes to help pay my tuition. But it wasn't much. But usually I just wore eye liner, and mascara, and maybe some blusher. I did that pretty consistently through the age of 25.

Then I got terribly sick, and almost died of a systemic infection while I was teaching at a boarding school, and they wouldn't give me the necessary time off to recover (a long story). I struggled to get through the final semester, one during which I already knew I had been laid off. So I was looking for work, weak from illness, and becoming clinically depressed (I was already under treatment at that point). At that point, I stopped wearing makeup for about three years. I had to start wearing it again when I began working clinics at law school, there is just a certain standard attire that attorneys wear, and you don't want to attract attention to yourself, when your client should be the focus.

In spite of living in San Francisco during law school, a city in which there seems to be an ordinance requiring women to wear lipstick, I never started to wear it. Most women wore it because it was protective against the wind in SF, which chapped their lips. Carmex was another big item, the men tended to use that. But I found I unconsciously chewed lipstick, Carmex, chapstick, whatever, off my lips. So between dampening them and chewing on them, lipstick made it much, much worse. Nonetheless, I am one of those people whose smile splits their lips into a bloody mess during part of every year. The most I wear is a touch of stain (as in, I put on a little lipstick, then blot my lips like crazy so there is no sticky feeling).

It was around this time, that I began to feel a little clownish in makeup. I would see pictures of me, and my cheeks looked insanely red, instead, of highlighted. My eye makeup would smear, and create dark circles of mascara and eyeliner around the rim of my eyes. I also began to rub my eyes more, because of allergies. This meant I was getting makeup in my eyes, and irritating the hell out of them. At this point, I tried switching from Clinique (which was what everyone I knew wore), to Origins, which touted itself has a natural, hypo-allergenic, alternative makeup. But I didn't like their narrow range of colors (this was when they first appeared), and wearing it actually seemed to make things worse.

So I rededicated myself to just doing my eyes, with an occasional touch of blusher for special occasions, although I began to hate it so much, I soon stopped wearing it at all. I began to realize that my two straight sisters, who were very fashion conscious, seemed to have somehow magically acquired make-up skills I had not. I still had the awkward hand of a 13 year-old, whereas makeup enhanced their looks, without being obvious. I have no idea where they learned such things. My mother never wore make-up, and as a rather simple-minded feminist, didn't approve of our wearing it. Don't get me wrong, I am a rabid feminist, but there are some people whose grasp of the movement is so rudimentary, it is almost parochial.

But my sisters had more girlfriends in high school than I did. Our prep school went co-ed 4 years before I began to attend, so girls made up just 20% of the student body. By the time my youngest sisters were attending, it was more like 40%. I enjoyed being in a very "male" school. I wasn't precocious sexually, so while I was interested in boys, I wasn't really interested in sexual relationships. I played Dungeons & Dragons, Ultimate Frisbee, and hung out with the Theater Geeks, who at that point were still largely male. Yet in spite of our shared interest in theater, the guys and I did not swap makeup tips. I had no one who could teach me how to wear it, so I largely imitated what I saw the other teenage girls do. I remember candy flavored Bonne Belle lip gloss, blech. But I used it. And Charlie perfume. It was what everyone else at my school wore. What a cacophony of scents that must have been.

When I went to France at 17, and accidentally stumbled on a French cologne that just smelled amazing on me, Courreges En Bleu (the "in" is a bastardization for Americans), I considered myself kind of avant garde for wearing it. A real French scent! I wore it for years. Anyway, my sisters gave me a few tips about how to do my eyes, and I can now do kind of a "daily wear" look that is acceptable, and a mildly more sophisticated party look.

Wow, this is so not interesting. But I have gone this far.

I continued to wear makeup for work throughout most of my adult life, until I was about 36. At that point, I met DH. He wasn't interested in makeup, and like a lot of guys, insisted I wore it for other women, and not for men. Not that I think his premise was entirely wrong. But I genuinely felt it made me more attractive, period, it wasn't truly directed at either gender. I wore as much makeup for my copious number of gay friends as I did on dates. Although come to think of it, my gay male friends approved of when I put myself together particularly well, and made a big fuss over me. I always was told I looked "amazing" when I dressed for club events. I remember the New Year's before I met DH, I bought a brown velvet short-sleeved, A-line shift. I was at my thinnest ever as an adult (a side effect of Depakote, although it usually makes people gain weight). I had a fresh haircut, from my fabulous stylist, who next I am in Pittsburgh, I should probably go see for old times' sake: he did my hair for my wedding. I actually not only used product on my hair, something I do maybe once ever 6 months, for once it actually came out perfectly. I had some sparkly jewelry, and hair pins. I was one of the few straight people at the New Year's party, but I got a ton of attention.

I met DH two months later. I still did a lot of volunteer work in the GLBT community, especially with syringe exchange and as a youth chaperone for our GLBTQ youth group at the Pittsburgh GLCC. But I wasn't as involved in the social life as I had been. A few months later, I was out of work, but engaged. I started only wearing makeup for special occasions, but I felt less and less skilled at it.

For our wedding, I got a lesson from a makeup artist, who was actually supposed to do my makeup on my wedding day. As usual, the schedule went to hell, so I cancelled, and decided to do it myself by memory. I remember I bought a special foundation that my sister actually made me stop and buy on my way from the red eye between SFO and PIT (with a stopover in Charlotte, ugh). Clarins, of some sort. I have a funny memory, it is kind of steel trap. I remember incidents in my friends lives, and mention them, and they say they had entirely forgotten about that, until I mentioned it.

My wedding was really the last time I wore makeup with any regularity. Over the years, I had accumulated a rather large supply of makeup, and as gross as it is, I didn't know any better, and used it on the occasions I did get dressed up. It looked horrible. Of course. I started working with dogs, the first job where makeup was actually inappropriate. I threw out all of my makeup, and didn't wear any again until my sister's wedding in 2006. My sister, the fashion maven, the good looking one, a VP of Buying at Neiman Marcus. Also, she was getting married in Florence (where she did an exchange year, she is fluent in Italian), and was paying for our hotel, and half our airfare, making it a trip to Europe for what it would have cost to go to a US wedding. It was the first semi-formal evening wedding I had ever been to, as well.

At this point, I was no longer thin. I felt big and coarse. I had a farmer's tan from working in the Sun with dogs. I knew I had no eye for what looked good on me, which is why this very sister flew out to Pittsburgh to go dress shopping for my wedding: she was the only family member who could guess what would flatter me. But that was not an option this time, she was a little busy planning her overseas wedding, and my dress was probably not the highest priority. NakedJen to the rescue! She not only helped me pick out an appropriate dress, she made sure I got shoes that would work with it, and lent me her evening wrap.

I also felt like I had to wear makeup for this. My sister's friends were all very appearance oriented (not that they are jerks to others about it, but it matters to them how they look). I knew people would be wearing designer dresses, and have their hair up, and everything. So I decided I had to get some makeup, and I had to get my nails done. I got acrylics for the first time ever (which was an experiment that lasted three months, what a waste of time). The cool thing is my nails really show up in the pictures of my pointing to features at Stonehenge. That was about the only thing that was cool, although I received lots of compliments. I imitated Sister3's makeup, so I didn't feel too bad. Sister3, Sister2, Sister1, and myself:



So I thought that was the last of the makeup for a while. I threw out a lot of stuff.

But as often happens as bipolar people age, the type of episodes, and the frequency with which I was having them, was increasing. For the first time I started having mixed episodes, which even people who experience psychoses say is the single most miserable type of mood episode to have. I now have those about three times a year, my last really bad one was in May/June. In addition, as I swung towards a mixed episode, I often passed through a period of hypo mania. Sometimes I stop at hypo mania, sometimes I will go on to have a minor mania, but the point is, my illness took a sharp turn in the spring of 2006.

Along with hypo mania (and mania) comes flamboyance, and wasteful spending on things that seem ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY FOR SURVIVAL at the time you buy them. Things like purses, and glass ornaments, and (I admit it) costume jewelry, and shoes. I have been lucky in that I have only gotten myself into financial trouble once, it was from a mix of my mood disorder and hospital bills (this was that awful year, when I was 25), and I pulled myself out of the financial hole bit by bit, and then DH helped me get entirely back on track. At one point, the FDIC wouldn't allow me to have a bank account, because I had bounced so many checks. The symptoms of bipolar illness are not just physical.

During one of the episodes I have had recently, I bought some makeup at Costco: Their Kirkland Brand Borghese Mineral Make Up kit, and mascara. I liked it, but I didn't wear it too often. I wasn't happy with my skin, and while I do believe that the mineral makeup is safer for my skin, I don't believe it has any curative properties, the way many claim it does. Also, I didn't really have any nice eyeliner. I tried the Kirkland version of ProActiv, but while it did work to an extent, it dried out my skin, and I couldn't find the balance between pimply and flaky. I just didn't like to look at my face.

Then, in spite of DH's unemployment (he was unemployed for 10 months, and I only worked for three months of that time, very part-time, earning very little), he told me to go with NakedJen back to the Oregon Country Fair for the second time in a row. The OCF is the best time evah. It is music, and magic, and costumes, and food, and performances, and crafts, and art, and just fun. It has stretched my boundaries both years I have gone. I have come back floating on a cloud both times as well. Last year I went with DH, this year I went on my own, and met NJ and her friend D in Veneta (which I finally learned to pronounce correctly this year).

I had beyond hinted that I wanted to go. I had basically oozed desire to go to the Fair all year long. When he got laid off in October, there was a little voice in the back of my head that said, "Surely he will be working in time for the OCF, right?" Awful of me, but true. When he told me to just go, and not worry about it, I was ecstatic. I was also in the middle of a rather bad episode, that seemed to teeter between hypo mania and a mixed state. I was frenetic, and I wanted to buy things. The Fair is about festive dress, and while I had had some clothes last year, I new I had to add to my "fairy" wardrobe. Fortunately, by sheer happenstance, the best place to go shopping for this kind of thing is vintage and thrift stores, or the monetary damage would have been pretty bad. I shopped and shopped. I started to buy makeup for the fair, as well. Eyeliner, eyeshadow, glitter, mascara. And I began to practice. I decided no one was here to see me, except for DH, and I just told him I was practicing with makeup, and some of it was going to look awful, and I was going to take it off right after I put it on, to try again, so he wouldn't have to suffer through any particular look for long. He was surprised I was so concerned about what he thought. I can be kind of defensive about things I don't feel confident about sometimes (do I really need two "abouts" in that sentence? Hmmm).

So I practiced. Every night. And because I was hypo, I caked it on, and looked like I belonged in the Cirque de Soleil (which by the way, would have been a totally appropriate look for the OCF, but was not what I was after). I wore makeup on the first day of the fair, and I wasn't thrilled with it. But it all melted off my face anyway, in the unbelievable heat and humidity of that day. After that, I stuck to the famous MAC Glitter, spreading it all over my face, hair, overexposed chest, etc. I was complimented all day. I also was wearing my most fun purchase that day, a little bustle over skirt. I had unknowingly brought a black skort, which was just the right length for the bustle. The only picture of me at the Oregon Country Fair:



I came home with a new interest in makeup. I started to wear it just a bit more. Especially eye makeup, but I began to wear a bit of the mineral foundation, it was so light. For going out, I started wearing the very pale pink mineral eye shadow, that just had a glisten to it, and grey and purple eyeliner (not at the same time), to go with my green eyes. I put just a dusting of blush on my cheeks, and what I liked was I could rub off a little, so it blended and lightened, and I didn't feel so clown-like.

I still struggled with certain aspects. But I for some reason kept practicing, even after the fair. And then, just about 8 weeks later, I went to Lush, and started cleaning my skin with their products, and suddenly, my skin is really nice. I can wear foundation or not, it looks good. And I don't feel a little bit phony, the way I always used to, when I was made up, with obvious acne, as if I were somehow pretending it wasn't there (I know, that is definitely a weird train of thought, but remember, I'm nuts).

Because I had not really used makeup so regularly in so long, I had things divided up into ziploc bags: Eye makeup in one, lipsticks and gloss in another, blush in another. It was unwieldy and ugly. And then one day I happened across this at a Goodwill:





What caught my eye (as DC can probably guess) is that it has a very similar logo to It's a Girl Thing's shop sign. But I also loved how feminine it was. And Principessa, it was like a cross between a fairy tale and a trip to Italy. So I bought it, and crossed my fingers that my makeup would fit, because it was kind of petite, not full lunchbox sized. In fact, Principessa is a line of cosmetics, and the box was part of a gift set that had been used up (I research the strangest things). Anyway, here it is, with the makeup put away:



So I am back to wearing makeup again. I still feel like I have a bit of a heavy hand, and tend to wipe a lot of color off my face whenever I put it on. But I don't feel like I am freakish. I am a bit hypo/mixed right now, and I am wondering how long this will last.

But it makes me feel really feminine, in a way it never has in and of itself before now. I still am scared of the Cirque du Soleil look creeping up on me, but I feel better when I am wearing it. Clothes are making me feel more feminine, too. It is funny at 47 I am having this sudden urge to enhance my femininity. Or maybe it is totally not funny, maybe it is to be expected, as one way of confronting the next stage of my life as a woman. I am deep in to peri-menopause. Maybe this is my way of countering aging.

Plus ça change, plus c'est la meme chose....

Migraine

I have gotten myself tangled up into some kind of "Mission Statement" post from which I can't get disentangled. I think it is an attempt to fit too many blog posts into one. So I think I am going to keep my Magnum Opus in draft form for a while, and let it steep before I go back to it. And yes, I still have to finish the Lush, makeup, etc. post, because I actually do have pictures and ideas for that.

One thing that has been cutting into my blogging, both in terms of pain-free time, and in terms of being able to think clearly for long periods, is a series of migraines I have had over the last week. It has totally screwed with my sleep, and I am just not a happy camper. But behind the scenes, I was still taking pictures of what I wore.

On Monday, I was still recovering from the migraine that went Saturday and Sunday. But I needed to run over to Lucky to get my DH some medication, and a grocery or two. This is a red velour tunic, with gold detailing around the neck, and my pair of Coldcreek jeans again. I am just wearing my same Navajo inlay pendant, and no earrings, I wasn't feeling too good. No makeup for sure. Oh, and I was wearing black slip-on "penny loafers. The little purse is from It's a Girl Thing, made by one of her few craft consignment people (she usually does just regular consignment). It's really cute, but kind of fragile, I have already sewn a sequin and a shell back on. But I would thrash it whether it is a $20 or a $2000 handbag (and I could easily get $2000 handbags from this place). I do have one expensive purse, that I used to use, until my mother yelled at me because didn't I realize what a nice purse that was? I was going to ruin it. Because why buy something nice, if not to wrap it carefully, and put it away someplace where you will never see it again?



Monday night, I didn't really sleep. It sucked. So by the time it was 9 or 10, I figured I might as well go do something, which usually means "goodwill hunting." Believe me, if you have not done this, this is a cheap hobby. I keep dithering over how much I am buying, and DH keeps trying to figure out what money I am talking about. So I decided to hit the Goodwill right in Santa Clara, which is about two miles (everything here is between 2 and 7 miles away: If I were a good person, I would walk or bike that, but I am not a good person).

So for this mission, I used a satchel I had got on a previous trip. Again, I am trying to be a little more aware of my appearance, and I am guessing that means not using the same neoprene ballistic handbag that you have been carrying for the last two years, because you can wipe dog slobber off of it. So, remember, we are out of sequence, it is now Thursday, but this is Tuesday. That is the brown Nine West (as opposed to the black) tunic, some Venezia jeans I found in the suckiest Goodwill in the area. Even the sucky places can surprise you. Venezia are not quite as good a cut for me as Coldwater creek. I also wore a pair of brown suede loafers I have had for years.

As I said, I also brought a new (for me) hand bag, a Wilson's black leather satchel, listed on their site for 120 (not on sale, I think it was on sale for 80), and I paid 15. It looks brand new. I had to stuff it with tissue paper for a couple of weeks, because it had obviously been flattened behind something in someone's closet, but it is a gorgeous bag.

I went really looking for tops this time. I am pretty set for skirts and jeans, unless something just screams to me. Well, I found a couple of cute tops, and a really nice long grey draped sweater, missing the belt, but the loop holes were threads, so I could cut them. I got up to the register, and couldn't find my wallet. Gah! Where was my wallet! I had switched everything else into the new bag (phone, comb, pen, shopping bag, etc.)! So I apologized, and left the stuff behind. I got home, and it was on my computer. Duh, I had activated a new ATM the prior night, and my insomnia made me space on putting it back in my purse.



So I was annoyed, but fine. Finally at about 2pm, I was able to fall asleep. I woke up with another migraine. That lasted all day Wednesday. I still tried to dress like a reasonable person, although I am clearly deteriorating. That is a black tshirt, with fleece pajama bottoms, and Eggplant heathered draped cardigan. I was cold, which is common with migraine. DH was running around nude most of the evening.



So I debated whether to post this next picture or not. It is of me today, after several days of migraines (with some few hour breaks), and still feeling lousy. I wasn't head-achey when the pic was taken, but it is starting up. October and November are traditionally my worst months. I hate it, because no one believes you can really be THAT sick THAT often, but still look totally fine on the days you aren't sick. I do not deny that I am an inherently lazy person, but I am not so lazy that I like to fake migraines.

Anyway. I decided to post it. The whole long argument I am having with myself in my un-posted blog entry is about this kind of self-image issue. This is a way more hard picture for me to post than of one with or without makeup was. This ensemble is Costco tank top avec Costco fleece pants. The hair is done by my bed.



And my husband still loves me. Who knew?

P.S. Freudian tell of the day: I put "Mothers" as one of my tags. I wrote a half sentence about her in this blog post.