Dain Bramage and Neurosurgery

[Editor's note:  I noticed that I often write garbled sentences in these blog posts.  This is not just due to poor writing skills, but also because I often post extremely late/early, and wrap up when I feel fatigued enough to sleep.  So my proof reading is often shoddy.  My new policy will be I may go back into posts to correct grammar or spelling without notification.  Content changes will be noted.] 

Well, excitement has abounded at the home of DH and crtclms.  DH was transported from his job to the ER for the second time in 10 days.  This time he didn't hit his head.  The prior seizure, he caught the orbital bone of his eye on the corner of his desk on his way down, which gave him an impressive shiner.  This time, he went into a fugue, during which he wanders around in a semi-conscious state.

So off to the ER I went.  I couldn't find my purse, and during the hunt, I had time to snap a pic.  I know how long it takes them to process him, and expected to arrive before he was released, and this turned out to be true:

So, leaf-type chandelier earrings you have seen; dirty hair pulled up; new lavender top with rhinestone embellishment from recent GW hunt; ancient pair of bleach spattered jeans from dog care; they look worse than usual because I was in a hurry, and pulled on dirty jeans.   One attempt to hide part of the dirt was the boots.  Now, I love these boots, one of my gypsy princess purchases, and really I do understand it is a matter of personal taste, but I saw them and had to buy them.  The velvet inset on the top is very close in color to the sweater:

Ah yes, the infamous computer backdrop.  Hey, sometimes it is the only way I am not too lazy to take the picture.

Anyway, you can see the velvet, with embroidery, trimmed with a narrow floral band.  Tweed laced through, and the seam above the ankle is tweed, too.  I bought these about two years ago, and one of the nice things about them is you can wear them with a longer skirt, or under jeans, and they just look like plain brown boots.

And we are back to the Land of Fucked Up Brains:  This was not only the second time in 10 days I had to go pick DH up from the ER, it was the 2nd time I had to do so with a migraine.  This is not to complain about his timing, but to demonstrate what a fun month we are having generally.  In the fall, my frequent migraines actually morph into "Chronic Daily Headache."   This is not only painful and incapacitating, it is embarrassing:  Headaches are invisible, and how many times in a short period of time would you accept the excuse, "I'm sorry, I have to cancel, I have a headache,"  when this is the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time in a month I have had to cancel?  Only people who know me extremely well can even tell I am in the midst of a headache.  Plus, migraines manifest in a lot of "non-headache" ways, which can ruin any social outing, even without actual pain. Today, for instance, I have been "buzzy" because a weather front is coming in, and migraines are often triggered by weather fronts.  What does "buzzy" mean?  Hard to say, but I can feel things going on in my head.  However, even though it was a term I thought I came up with on my own, I found anyone who has migraines or epilepsy knows what I mean when I say "buzzy," and many already use the term to describe their own cranial happenings.

It is also humiliating as to how it affects my marriage.  "Not tonight, I have a headache" isn't a "line" in my home, it is a pretty much daily occurrence.  While sexual activity as a general rule is helpful to headache patients, that is only the case when they are not in the throws of an actual attack.  It is upsetting and guilt inducing to feel like you are not up to being an equal partner in intimate aspects of your marriage.  I actually quit a medication that was working somewhat at controlling my head, because it totally destroyed my libido, to the extent I didn't even like to be touched.  My neurologist agreed with me my marriage was more important than the medication.

DH has also had horrible, life-altering side-effects from medication.  A lot of people don't realize that when you have a chronic illness, you are not only dealing with the illness itself, but also with the sometimes severe and dangerous side-effects of prescription pharmaceuticals.  This is why I use Cannabis, and why I feel so strongly about protecting its medical use, and legalization in general.

Now, the activity of having to pull myself together to get DH did distract me from the pain a bit, and other than the purse mishap, I got to Stanford pretty quickly.  This is one of the first times I had been to Stanford ER in the early afternoon, usually it has been at night.  ERs are SO much calmer during the day!  DH was awake and alert (he apparently had awoken while being strapped to the gurney).  I actually know how to read the monitor he is attached to now, and all of his vitals, including blood oxygen, were excellent.

The nurses and doctors on call were very nice, because they weren't overwhelmed.  They kept coming in to tell us what stage they were at with DH's release every few minutes, which has never happened before.  Then, the doctor came in, and said DH's neurosurgeon, who is the head of the Stanford Epilepsy Center, wanted to talk to us before we left.  Again, a first.  But we knew seizures were coming too fast and hard.  What we didn't expect was how blunt his Dr. F was.  When he walked into the room, the first thing out of his mouth was, "This is not acceptable."  He is concerned that DH is having so many seizures it may start causing more brain damage, or that he may really hurt himself hitting his head, which DH does regularly, and we have been lucky that a black eye is the worst thing that has ever come of it.

The question for both of us:  What quality of life is acceptable, and what isn't?  Are the number of headaches I have by refusing to take a particular medication worth the physical intimacy, not just sexual, but day to day, I share with my husband, worth it?  How many seizures, how many drug side effects, will my DH be able to tolerate, and still lead some semblance of a normal life?

Monday's ER visit brought this question into sharp relief for DH.  Dr. F informed DH and myself that brain surgery could no longer be postponed until next Fall as we had planned, and that DH's job was now officially secondary to his health.  This is a little scary for us, because what some of you do not know is, DH got his current job a few weeks before I started this blog.  This had been after being laid off for 10 months (he had had one short job that blew up).  It is a fabulous job, that he loves, and we are pretty sure they love him.  We don't want him to lose it, and we frankly can't afford it, especially if DH has the surgery, and we don't resume receiving income after his recovery.

But, he has violent seizures about once a week, and less violent ones one or twice a week.  He can't drive.  He has had seizures on his bike, and on public transportation, so even though he isn't a danger to others, he is actually very likely to get hurt even when not behind the wheel.  He has to take almost all his sick and personal days to recover from seizures.  He has visible hypoxia of the brain (under-oxygenated parts) on his MRIs.

I had to stop working at my job as a doggie daycare provider because my foot was reconstructed in January, and it only now is beginning to feel like a real foot (it takes about a year to totally heal).  So even though my salary was meager, I was at least working.  Now, my foot is not strong enough for dog care, and my headaches are preventing any aspirations of any other part-time work.  I can only work half-time, because of my migraines, and my mood disorder.  Like headaches, bipolar illness is invisible, and like migraine, it limits my life even though it leaves no mark on me physically.  In order to keep myself even somewhat healthy, my p-doc in Pittsburgh told me I should only work part time, or at most, a clerical level job if I were going to work full-time.  So much for that Ivy League education.

The round-about point is, I am bringing in zero income myself.  We might be entirely reliant on an account we were really hoping on not touching.  My only "hope" is that he is eligible for disability from work or the State.  His contract doesn't say he has to have worked there any amount of time in particular to be eligible for their benefits, so we have our fingers crossed, but are prepared for either possibility.  [The old law student in me wanted to abbreviate that to "K," which is a legal shorthand for "contract."]  Because he has only been there a few months, we don't know what kind of leave he is eligible for.  He would be willing to take an unpaid leave, if it meant there would be a job to go back to.  That would wipe out our savings (making Goodwill even more attractive to Ms. Hypo-mania), but we have enough.  As one of my friends said to me yesterday, we can get more money, I am thankful we have what we do.   DH's health is more important than our savings, any day.

We are upper middle class, even given the loss of income and savings during DH's unemployment.  We have had health insurance, either through COBRA, or his new job.  I know it isn't exactly the same as those families who have to declare bankruptcy, and I understand that most of our monetary hit did not come from DH's or my conditions per se.  But the expense of co-pays for meds and treatment, seeing doctors, having surgery (we both will have had surgery in 2010), ER visits, the lost days to migraines, the compulsive spending that often accompanies my mood changes, it helps to chip away at our income.

So that can also be added to the daily cost, in money, body, and spirit, of chronic illness.

Now, I do have purchases and outfits to show you.  And tomorrow is a fundraiser for a Food bank, where I intend to do some Hannukah shopping, and I will come home with other things to show you.  But even the little "fashion" I did have in this post didn't seem to fit the tenor of the post, so I am saving it for this weekend.  As Eddie Izzard would say, "Ciaooooo!"

Making Hash

First of all, I have no real "i" key, I have to press really hard on wear the key *should* be to get it to type.  So sorry if there are some "i"s out of place.

Plus, November is admittedly going to be erratic in terms of the "What I Wore"  clothing diary portion, even though the Goodwill purchases' posts are the loose framework around which the blog is more or less constructed.  November is hell month for me.  I just got through a couple of  days without a severe migraine, and it has been such bliss.  But the fact that I expect one tomorrow as a consequence/punishment is because I just get too many damn migraines.  I cannot plan what I am doing later today, let alone next week..  It happens every November.  I had to cancel my Cannabis Cooking class at the last minute because of a migraine, which makes me really sad plus I think I have lost that entire tuition.  I should have known better than to schedule anything in November.  I am spending a lot of days in tank tops, sweat shirts, and pajama bottoms.  Which as you have seen, I'd photograph, but these headaches have just sucked so hard.

Anyway, we are still scheduled to go to "Graduation" in December.  Fun!

Sooo, we have been really experimenting with hash the last couple of months.  We have been purchasing it from SBAC.  The stuff they sell is exponentially better has than Greeway's, I have to say, as much as I adore Greeneway, as well as making our own type of hash from duff.  "Duff" is the left-over vaporized plant material, which has some, but not nearly all of the cannabinoids removed from it via vaporizing.  We use a relatively inexpensive vaporizer, which we got from Vapor Brothers:

I am actually kind of psyched to make our next batch of hash from duff, since I learned a whole bunch at Oaksterdam that should make our next batch better, stronger, and easier to handle and use.  I know to use Everclear, and how to heat and press it properly.  The stuff we have made has been pretty goopy, and burns up too fast.

But hash strains have become more routine for me to incorporate into my routine.  Because you are not supposed to use a direct flame on hash, I had been improvising with paraphernalia; in particular, heating the underside of the glass bowls on the  sliders on our bongs.   Please Note: The glass of sliders does not take kindly to direct flame for long periods of time.  One broke one day, the other the next.  Oh, and then since I went to the head shop to buy a couple of replacements, I broke a brand new slider through sheer clumsiness.  I am very happy with my hash pipe, and feel like it really is strong.

We found out there is a head shop, Smoke Stuff,  on Yelp, about 3 miles from here.  Since we broke two water pipe slides within 24 hours, plus I was curious about getting a hash pipe, I decided to head over there.  Usually head shop employees are so sullen, and this guy was cheerful and friendly.  He sure was enthusiastic about his products. Heh. The store was so clean, and the guy was very nice.  He helped me pick out my hash pipe.  We will be using that shop in the immediate future. due to my amazing slide smashing skills.

Anyway, you get a lot of bang for your buck with hash.  I also bought these tiny rolled balls of keif, I cannot remember what they are called, and the way they package it meant I had to tear the label off in order to open it.  But sprinkling a bit on what you are using gives it an added kick.

I am really liking Purple Dragon hash right now.  Also, bud from "Humboldt Hash Plant,"  another  good pain killer.  We are still hanging on to some Burgundy Goo, for my next killer migraine (counting down in 3, 2, 1...).  Hash is good at prophylaxis, and for early onset of headaches, but once they are fully established, they probably make it worse.  Although it helps vomiting no matter how severe or well established.

I then also made good old fashioned potato, meat, and onion hash, this time with cubed leftover tri-tip, chopped sweet onion, cubed yukon and russet potatoes, a bit of oil, and about a third cup of beef broth.  Eggs sunny side over easy.  Fat city, but so good.  I hadn't made a good hash in years, and it is really something I could eat almost daily, if my heart didn't scream in agony.  Kidding. I have "spectacular lipid levels," so says my neurologist.  I also particularly love Corned Beef hash, but have never had the balls to make it, since bad corned beef is *so very bad.*

So at this point in the blog entry, I almost feel a little bit like saying, "Okay, let's get this next part over with."  But I obviously enjoy it, so what the hell.  Yes, I've been to Goodwill this week.  Twice.  I have pictures to prove it.  In fact, Thursday I drove around for a while trying to find the Salvation Army that I had done so well at last time, before throwing up my hands, and going back to one of the bigger Goodwills instead (the one on Meridian).

I actually only have "outfit" pictures from Wednesday, when oddly, I wore two outfits.  That is because it was quite chilly in the AM, and warmer in the PM, and I also was dressed to go "thrifting" as I am now learning it is called.  That sounds so much more socially significant than compulsive shopper, don't you think?

So the AM outfit was to take DH to the bullet train, so he wouldn't have to take the bus in the cold.  I went from there to Safeway, and did quite a large shopping trip.  I bought a lot of "quick" meals, for reasons I will relate below.  I also bought a lot of things we were running out of, but I am really pissed because I forgot the McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal.  I actually am zipping through cans of that now that I have learned to soak the oats overnight.  I still am eating them four or five times a week, and not tiring of it.  Thursday I cut up some strawberries, a tablespoon of sugar, and some milk for my last serving, and it was out of this world.  But that was the end of my supply.

This is what I wore for the drive to the train station, and grocery shopping:

Black cotton cable-knit sweater tunic (bit long on me, but I am short, and have an enormous chest), and a pair of boot cut jeans.  I own one pair of carpenter pants, but all my other jeans are boot cut,  just like them better.  They are a very dark blue wash, so look black in this picture.  It doesn't help that  I am wearing  my black "motorcycle" boots.  Double semi-precious beaded necklace from It's a Girl Thing.

Anyway,  while I was at Safeway, I decided I was getting grossed out by the house again. This is quite a feat, I am exceedingly hard to gross out.  I bought all kinds of cleaning products for people who don't know how to scrub, plus some Drano to fix our bathroom sink, which was taking about 5 minutes to empty.  I am kind of in cleaning mode, but it is really one item at a time, it isn't a frenzy.  I did fix the sink drain, so yay me!

I also got potatoes for beef hash, which I planned to make from leftovers from the tri-tip we had.  Oh, yeah, we had a marinated tri-tip roast with roasted potatoes on Sunday.   DH was so happy to eat meat, even though he doesn't generally complain.  I also got a couple of nicely sized russets for baked potatoes sometime this week.  Hmm, need to check our sour cream, and see how it is holding up.  Anyway, we rarely have big hunks of meat like that anymore, and DH was a very satisfied diner on Sunday night. Yesterday, I completely cheated and got a Safeway refrigerated meal, which I just had to heat up: rigatoni and bolognese.  If you put tomato sauce on food, DH will likely be happy to eat it.  Also those strawberries I mentioned strawberries and avocados (I eat about three a week).  Plus, we have chicken and potato wedges.  Man, heavy on the potatoes this week.

And a lot of candy. 

I went home, put away groceries, and fed Violet.  I only meant to surf the net for a bit, but I was kind of still feeling my oats because I haven't been having nearly the problems with my head that I was last week.  I have been beyond relaxing the last few days, just luxuriating in the relative lack of pain. I haven't been migraine free, but I have been keeping them under control with the aid of both Big Pharma, and Cannabis.  Then I remembered we had broken the slides,  So I headed out to Smoke Stuff.

After that, it was still before noon, and I decided to do some "thrifting."  I wanted to go back to the Salvation Army.  But I got totally lost trying to find the Salvation Army I went to last time when I used Smoke Stuff as my starting point.  When I came back home, and looked at a map, I realized I had merely been on the wrong side of the street.  Gah.  I had thought about trying to get there again today, but my head and ache-y legs have pretty much nixed that idea.  Or, I could go to the Salvation Army just a couple of miles from here.  People were a little ruthless at the Salvation Army, and shopped out of my cart once before I was aware of it:  I have had that happen to me once or twice in Goodwills since then as well, so I guard my basket.

So, Wednesday afternoon, San Jose Goodwill, on Meridian.  Fortunately, one of their biggest locations, because the whole reason I wanted to go to the Salvation Army is because it's HUGE.  I actually am kind of amazed that I am able to keep straight in my head what I bought on Wednesday, and what I bought on Monday, but I can.  I have to take a few more pictures, of the stuff from Monday.  I know these aren't the greatest pictures, but it is hard to display this sort of thing without a manikin,

Anyway, I have learned to dress with a tank top under my clothes, so I don't have to compete for dressing rooms as much (there are mirrors here and there around the stores).  I wore the same jean and boots, but a pink tank top, and a fasten-less cardigan in a synthetic knit of some kind, with a empire waist (one of my Monday Santa Clara Goodwill finds).  Cardigans are easy to slip off and on, so I don't freeze between trying on clothes.  I also wore my new-ish flower/pouf black headband, since I know my hair gets in my eyes pulling things off and on, and it is a quick fix.  In both Wednesday's pictures, I am wearing a brown braided leather belt I also bought at the Santa Clara Goodwill on Monday.

I got a small black leather hobo purse, Wilson's.  I already have the big black Wilson's satchel.  The handle is asymmetrical, and has two metal links on one side.

A purple and violet pin-striped oxford blouse:

This was a cute find: A blue wool knit top with cable, an empire waist, and that nice collar.

This is a light wool short-sleeved lavender top, with an scoop, and embellished keyhole neck.

Here's the embellishment:

I am not bothering to include pictures of the plain black top, and the camel-colored top with the collar with the rather restrained embellishments.

So from Monday in Santa Clara, you have seen the Black empire-waist button-less cardigan thing-y, and I am guessing you can visualize a standard brown leather braided belt.  Here is a mis-sized fabric brown and pink purse, the top stripe is pale pink, compared to the flowers:

It looks brand new, and I combine pink and brown a lot.  Plus, a little black lace slip skirt:

Here is a detail of the lace:

I have reached this weird place with my wardrobe.  First of all, I am being pretty ruthless at discarding things I don't wear, and stuff that looks ghastly in the pictures on this blog.  That doesn't mean I won't wear something over-sized, like that tunic sweater (I'm calling it a tunic because it has side slits), but to be honest, I like how that looks, even if it isn't the latest fashion.  So I have enough clothes, yet because of my weeding out and organizing what I have, I know really specifically where I have holes in my wardrobe.  For instance, I do have one or two navy things.  But I could really use navy shoes, and a purse.  A pair of navy slacks wouldn't hurt either.  I don't need them, but I know that I can certainly use them.  This is allowing me to be both incredibly picky, and a little more outre in my choices, because I try on things that I think, "What the hell, I like it, maybe it will work on me."  And about 15% of the time, I find something good, so since there is a lot of stuff to try on, I almost always walk away with a find.

So back to less frivolous and material things:  I woke up today (Friday) morning with a slight headache.  So a several day break, more than I had really hoped for.  But it is back, I can feel it creeping around my skull. UGH.  I have to say last week's Migrane-o-rama really took the wind out of my sails, both in the sense  I can still tell  am still recovering days later, and also in the sense that it seems to have put a hitch in my mood, I no longer feel like I am being sent by slingshot to every destination.

Okay, this post is just getting ridiculous, I can't even proof read it it is so long.   Tomorrow, I want to talk about the riveting subject of home decor. Har.

Crazy with a Conscious

Once, a little over 10 years ago, we received a catalog (we still shopped with catalogs in the 20th century). It was kind of a yuppy faux-eco clothing catalog.  This was just at the start of Green being equated with being "hip."

One of the items they sold was cashmere sweaters. But these sweaters were special:  The animals (and even the herd's people!) were treated extra super-duper carefully, and fed delicious things. We could feel good about wearing these cashmere sweaters, they were grown on such happy, healthy, ecologically sound goats. Scrawled across the page of the magazine, in huge, italic type, was "Sweaters with a conscious...." Once we picked ourselves up off the floor, we went around begging friends and neighbors for their copies of the catalogs, so we could each have a copy, and distribute them to a few key friends.

What led me to reminiscing about this story is a pretty good example of manic thought processes, so let's see if I can write my day out, so you can see what a disordered/disorganized thought process looks like.

Last night, I decided to record a three part series on a subject, that while often discussed on my blog and various places where I go by my real name, is still controversial.   I am sure you can guess what about.  I already recorded the three part series, a mini-course on medical cannabis for patients, and blue-toothed them over to my computer.  I spent all morning working on them, arranging materials, thinking through what I was going to say, running rough dress rehearsals.  I even changed my clothes, and made my hair look reasonably nice (one more day, tomorrow it needs to be washed).  I had also looked over the third segment, and decided it needed to be redone, and started pondering what I felt could be improved upon.  

I had awoken with a migraine, but that is almost par for the course these days, and this was SUCH A VERY GOOD IDEA!  It pushed the pain into the background.  In the first part, I discuss what medical cannabis is, why I use it, and how to go about getting a recommendation (nothing illegal).  I also go over civil rights, going over a few different scenarios where knowing your rights is important.  I even almost manage to hide my name while demonstrating what different documents looked like.  Almost.

Not that it is would be hard to trace it back to me, the real person:  Those of you coming from Facebook and Twitter either know me, or are following me because I use medical cannabis.  And anyone randomly coming across the blog wouldn't be able to identify me without at least affirmatively searching.  Plus, all my in laws are blocked on every social network to which  I belong (nice, I know.  I never said I was a sweet person).

Now, the second video goes over methods of ingestion.  Yes, with full on display of paraphernalia.  One accumulates a great deal of it when one has consumed cannabis for over two-thirds of her life (oh, yes).  I actually demonstrate one type.  Yes, with the real medication.

The third segment was showing different types of cannabis, some I have, some I have containers from when I had last had it, so I could explain types I didn't happen to have.  And of course, the real stuff.  Several strains, and some hash.   All on tape.

I was excited about it.  I planned to put it up right away, but decided to wait until tonight.  I'd wait until DH went to sleep.

Then the duvet from Nordstrom, the one about which I had been so excited, arrived.  I opened the first box, which was one of the shams.  It was so beautiful!  I excitedly opened the other box, but wait a second:  That wasn't the duvet I ordered, was it?  I hurried back to the bookmarked site.  SHIT!  What I had thought was the duvet was a coverlet, and I had assumed the actual duvet was a set of sheets; it was SO different than the shams and coverlet.  I didn't even really like this duvet.  Plus, it is ivory.  I have a stinky little dog, who has light brown hair.   We had already eliminated black as an option, just at the thought of her fur woven through each stitch of fabric.  This would show dirt as well.  I was back to square one, plus I was 100% in love with the shams. Shams!  Who would think?

Now I had to have something as close to what I had expected as possible.  Those shams, I wanted those shams.  I started doing frantic google searches. I got angry, then furious.  I was so angry at that stupid duvet, I felt personally affronted by it.  Now I was too upset to re-tape the third part of my series, and my head was killing me, all the "pain relief" of focusing on my narration was gone.   I had to go lie down, the continuity of the series was going to be totally fucked up.  Maybe I should start the whole thing over tomorrow?  I went to take a nap for a few hours.

DH called, and told me someone had been hit by a train, so he didn't know when he would be getting in.  As morbid as that is, it gave me time to calm down.  I woke up completely, and realized my head felt much better.  Maybe I could tape the last part over after DH went to bed.  I started to actually dress up, he had said at lunchtime that he would love to go out for dinner, if my head cleared up.

....DH wouldn't like that I was going to broadcast this at all, so better to tape it when he was out, or asleep, and post it, and never let him see it....

That was kind of weird.  I don't really keep things secret from DH.  Yes, I am hesitant about keeping him up to date about my spending, but frankly, he looks at our bank account every day, he sees what is going out (hence his recent expression of displeasure). I pushed my concern to the back of my mind, but it did niggle.

DH came home, and we spent about hour giggling and hanging out.  I was having "outbursts" of silly, but also weirdly hostile.  I genuinely thought I was joking as the words flew out of my mouth, but once they were out, I would think, "Geez, that was mean!" And  I would apologize.  But DH thought I was a laff-riot.  Still,  I felt uncomfortable, it was as if a filter were gone.   I might still have made those jokes if I weren't all at sixes and sevens emotionally, but I would have had the extra two seconds to think about what was about to come barreling out of my mouth, and stop it, if I thought it was unwise.

Those of you who know DH knows he has a very bizarre sense of humor.  I am lucky.

We went to dinner at an Italian restaurant as close to around the corner as you can get with a Jersey barrier down the center of our major thoroughfare.  We had never been before, but Yelp said really good things pretty consistently.  It was so close I couldn't believe we hadn't tried it, although I am picky about Italian.  Amilia's is a lovely mid-range Italian restaurant, that also sells a rather extensive list of more American-style sandwiches.

We wanted wine with dinner, so we shared a platter of bruschetta to start.  Now the reviews of their bruschetta had been raves, and I had thought, "Really?  Bruschetta?"  I mean, I have eaten a great deal of bruschetta in my day, inside Italy and out.  But holy shit, this may have been some of the best bruschetta I have ever eaten!  Nomnomnom.  Then I had a chicken penne dish with a cream sauce, spinach, mushrooms, fresh tomato, crisp pancetta, cubes of chicken breast, and perfect al dente pasta.  I was shocked at how good it was.  DH had Chicken Parm, and was also very pleased.  We each had a glass of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc, from New Zealand.  DH ate all his chicken, but couldn't eat the side of fettucine, or all his veggies.  I got through less than half of mine, but brought it home.  A yummy lunch (or more evilly, perhaps, a yummy midnight snack.  Hell, a midnight gorge, there is a lot).  


We came home, happy and full, and chattering away.  DH was happy, because he could tell he was going to get lucky.  I was happy because for once a migraine hadn't ruined a weekend evening out, for the first time in at least a month.  Thing went as DH hoped.  But I had a lot of trouble concentrating, and staying focused (you might not think that could even be an issue, but my mind is going a million miles an hour).  It was actually somewhere mid-fuck (sorry) that I began to really start to think about what I was planning on posting on the Internet.

But it was informative and instructive!  Everything I did was legal under California law, and de facto legal under Obama's administration!  I want to be a cannabis activist!  I have committed felonies on behalf of causes before (syringe exchange was a felony, can you believe it?)!

But this was all pre-Internet.  Not to mention pre-DH.  There is someone else to take into consideration.

No Fair.  Why do I have to change my approach?

Wait a second.   Haven't I been saying I am labile and manic?  I have been cleaning a lot, but today I was so busy taping, I didn't get any cleaning done.  In other words, I was still in a frenzy, it just didn't happen to involve cleaning.

And isn't one the classic symptoms of mania lack of self-awareness?  Maybe I am being a little hasty.  I can always post new, better, videos when I am feeling better, right?  I am too embarrassed now to even run the idea by DH.  I know it is the mania.  This is mania, not hypo-mania.  I don't know what to do.

So my conscious kicked in.   Cashmere goats may be raised so you can wear a sweater in good conscience, but what really matters is I got my self-consciousness back.

Even crazy people can be conscious.

"Welcome to the Fellowship of Educated Men and Women"

This was written over a few days, so I am sorry if some things are muddled. I am obviously gloriously hypo (this is the mood I get into that pisses Dianthus, one of the moderators on CrazyBoards, for those of you who may lurk there: My p-doc would like to keep me right at this spot forever, but a little more than half the time, I tip into a mixed episode, and there is an argument about whether hypo-manias contribute to kindling. Mixed episodes definitely do. So either my p-doc or Dianthus could have a point

As you can imagine, Harvard graduation is a pretty ritualized and pompous affair. One of the things that is a tradition is that they have a set phrase to confer a degree, en masse, to each particular school. The sentence that conferred my A.B., and all the A.B.s in recent memory (I can't find a start date, but my dad, uncles, and cousins all had the same phrase): "Welcome to the Fellowship of Educated Men and Women." Snotty, no? But once again, I have entered another educational fellowship. Snarf.

Well Friday started off with a bang. I didn't sleep. at. all. Then at 5:45, half an hour before his alarm, DH had a short but violent seizure. I forbade his leaving the house, so he telecommuted. That was good, he was able to get some work done, but also nap a lot. After a seizure, all the energy is just sucked out of him.

I have to "come out" and admit that I am on a spending jag, as if you couldn't tell. The amounts per item have gone up. I really shouldn't seek out and enjoy this kind of "high," but it is really hard to self-report when you feel really good, even if you know that you should be really careful. DH usually says something if he thinks things are getting out of control, and he isn't thrilled with my spending at the moment. I am admittedly a very indulged wife, and I feel less guilty about it than I should, because it makes DH happy to indulge me. I think I am pushing it. I have a bunch of stuff that was "approved" by him still coming, so hopefully, anticipation of those items (BEDDING! WHOOHOOO!) that will help me keep from spending, I hope.

I also have purchased Sister2's birthday present, which was the regular "birthday amount," so while I am early, I thought she would really like what I got her I went to Eni-Thing's Fall Festival, which is like Etsy on wheels. I bought too much. I bought a hooded scarf for Sister2. She lives in Dallas, which gets chilly, but not freezing. She is quite fashionable (she is in the buying dept. for Neiman-Marcus, so duh), and I think she will like it, she likes to be different. I have been good at guessing for her in the past, even though I suck at choosing clothes personally.:



BUT, from the same woman who made the hooded scarf, I bought a gorgeous, unusual scarf, which is very heavy, intricate grey lace on one side, lined with brown silk on the other; there is a slot in the silk through which you slip the other end of the scarf, and you can wear it that way, or pull it through again, so you have more of a tie knot. I wore it Sunday, more on that in a bit. It cost the most I have ever paid for that kind of accessory, like lower end Anthropologie. But so pretty, it would have cost much more at Anthropologie if they sold it. I bought a pad for dollar, so that was okay. I bought a sympathy card for the Kass family, now I have to think of what to write. I think I will get a breast cancer stamp in her honor. There were two other things I really had to combat myself over. One was an Alice painting I knew DH would hate, and would refuse to hang. The other was this purse, which while inexpensive for a purse, was nonetheless too much money. Jen, I think you would like this, the leather is much nicer than the picture looks, and the closure is something like Lucite not cheapo plastic.



I bought a sparkly bracelet and earrings because they were shiiineee. Sometimes I really don't like that organic brain syndromes are so uniform. Shiiineeee. I wore both of them Saturday, and they looked cute with the Calla Lilly pendant that I bought at the OCF. Sorry, I am afraid this picture is huge:



I also bought a necklace I have been coveting, and to which I already have a matching pair of earrings, all by Kerfuffle (can't find a website). I bought the center one; the chain is in three parts, one that is like coins, one that is just chain, and one that is crystals (the crystals are hidden by the far right one. The pendant has a rose, I am very into roses at the moment.




That isn't all. I bought a pair of hairpins, one has the Mad Hatter hat, and the other the Cheshire cat. I mean come on, I HAD to buy them, I'll wear them, as well as my ceramic Alice pendant when we stay at the Jabberwock Inn in Monterey. Hey, in case you didn't know, I made reservations to celebrate our 10th anniversary at the B&B at which we stayed for our honeymoon, and then our first anniversary as well, but more on that later.

Okay, I am editing, and I just read "I HAD to buy them..." I am just scary manic-y right now. I don't get really full blown manias, but I can get mild ones. I am blowing off adrenaline, ugh (blowing out air, kind of like a canine adrenaline shake). BAD.

I am still going. I also bought a pair of little turtle earrings, but I bought them because they were pretty stones that really didn't look much like turtles (if they had been OBVIOUS I wouldn't have liked them).

And Ladies, she also plans expenditures into the future: We celebrate our 10th anniversary July 21, 2011. We had a super short (2 days), but super luxurious honeymoon, and we stayed at the Jabberwock Inn, which fit in with our Mad Hatter's Tea Party wedding theme, perfectly. Then my parents gave us two nights the next year at the same place as a first anniversary gift. Although they had helped pay for the wedding, that was kind of our official wedding gift from them. July seems far off, but I was alarmed to see that July was already filling up; the weekends before and after our anniversary were full. BUT, if I had us stay the night before and the night of our anniversary, we could stay in any room we wanted. Both times we have stayed in the past, we have stayed in the Toves, and of course, I chose that room again.



Here I am in the room's "Secret Garden," on our honeymoon:



Not that I am looking forward to it or anything. Fortunately, it doesn't need to be paid until we check out, and DH wanted to do this too, so we are budgeting for it. We had wanted to go to Hawaii for our 5th, then I had knee surgery instead. We then planned to do it the 10th, but we didn't expect DH to get laid off. We also talked about Australia. Right now, we are shooting for Australia for my 50th birthday. Less than 3 years away. Faint.

Okay, so this weekend was totally a blast. I really had to drag myself out of bed on Saturday morning, because I had just taken a 2 hour nap for all of Friday, and then I got about 5 hours on Saturday morning. I wanted to leave the house to give myself time to get good and lost. DH had set the Nuvi to "gas saving," which meant I took a meandering, hour and 15 minute drive to downtown Oakland. It was interesting, but it took forever. I was still there before check-in started, because I am always early to everything, no matter how lost I get, because I leave so much time to get thoroughly lost. Over-planning. I hate it, but my p-doc doesn't feel it is a pathology. NJ pointed out it is my coping mechanism, and it clearly is. but it is very anxiety inducing, because my mind is always running through contingencies. I catch myself planning magically, sometimes, "If I do this, then that good event will surely follow, so that I can do/have this desired thing." My p-doc says I need to be really mindful of that kind of thinking, using the word "mindful" in a very specific, OCD context.

Augh, tangents much? But this is both my natural style, and exacerbated by the hypo. Anyway, I was early, but the school bookstore was one block over, and I went there to buy our required books. Which we did not touch, the entire weekend. But I know I will use them. I also bought a "Yes on Prop 19" t-shirt in green on black, with a CA bear in silhouette, Fuck Medicann, they really are drumming up fear needlessly, I support the proposition. I was relieved to find out that the position of the school is to support 19. I support Medicann's overall mission, but I think their politics reeks of profit motive. Ha, reek is an apt term for the Cannabis debate.



We checked in starting at about 9:20, and they gave us a binder for class, a DVD, a CD or DVD (don't know which yet), in addition to the temporary student ID, which gave us access to the school and the Student Union. More on the Student Union in a bit. Then they sent us upstairs, to poke around the grow room while they were setting up our classroom. There were plants at all stages of development, including vegetative plants, grown purely for clones, and that never flower because they aren't really allowed to. I noticed they watered the plants less than we had, or at any rate, they let the leaves wilt a bit, which I learned about later.

I won't go into detail, because I really want to, which I know would be deadly. The Saturday syllabus started with politic & history, which I mostly knew. Then legal, with a really good criminal defense attorney. I learned a ton, and most of the people there therefore learned more than they could absorb. I was the only attorney, I found out, so if I was learning stuff, a lot of stuff flew right over peoples' heads (and I could tell from questions, a lot of it did). I asked a question about conspiracy, because apparently, I could be charged with conspiracy for being a member of a collective: I wanted to know what the "act in furtherance" of committing a crime would be, and he said the DA never got further than charges (i.e., they don't meet all the elements for "criminal conspiracy.") it is pure harassment.

I have to remember to email him about Terry Stops.

Then lunch. I ate in the little school cafe, had half a B.L.A.T. sandwich, put the other half in my trunk (it was chilly). Then I went upstairs, and looked over my notes, because I am the nerdiest nerd of the nerdlets. I was told about the student union, but I for some reason didn't head over on Saturday. I was the only person there that "looked over my notes," I was the only one geeky enough to think to do something like that. Law school, it has beaten me into submission. I may have sucked at exams, but boy did I study. I knew I could medicate at the Student Union, but I didn't feel like it, and I was afraid I would get too sleepy, which happened even without pot, just from eating. Some of the people from out of state were totally wowed by the fact that people were openly using. I found out the next day it was something like a "Buyers Club," San Francisco style, which we do not have in the South Bay at. all.

Anyway, then we had a half hour of Civics. A really shitty half hour, where we didn't learn anything remotely having to do with Civics. I have no idea what they think the word "Civics" mean, they seemed to think it had to do with personal conduct. We actually had covered some Civics in the Politics segment, but geez. I actually liked the woman who taught that when she taught a different segment, but that was awful. And I truly adore Civics. I fucking taught Civics. Then for the next three hours, we had horticulture lecture and horticulture lab. I have tons of information from both sessions, but it was VERY dry. That was when it was hard to stay awake.

That was it for the day, and I over-ruled the GPS receiver, and found 880S as fast as I could. It was still heavier traffic than I expected from a Saturday evening, but it was SO much faster. So I had DH reprogram the Nuvi to go "fastest route." I realized that the Prius actually conserved gas better driving the opposite way of the standard engine, so it was actually using less gas to drive on the freeway all the way. Anyway, DH was still feeling wonky from the previous day's seizure, so I just had the other half of my BLAT and some oatmeal (I now always have a pot of steel cut oats in the fridge, since I found that overnight method. I am eating oatmeal 4 or 5 times a week, I figure that can't be that unhealthy. And it is very filling.

I was energized and exhausted at the same time. As little sleep as I have gotten in the previous 72 hours, I am still having trouble settling down. Of course, that is partially my mood, but I also know this feeling from previous activism trainings. God, I love grassroots activism, I had TOTALLY forgotten how amazing it feels.

So I forgot to take pictures of my clothes either day this weekend, and I have pictures of earlier things to post, but that can be a later jumping-off point. Saturday, I wore my new green mandarin-collared 3/4 sleeve cotton under a very simple but very nice black long sleeved cotton sweater, with those rolled sleeve ends and neck. I wore my black boots with the buckles that actually fit my calves, my sparkly bracelet and earrings, and my calla lily pendant. And jeans. Even with a sweater, it was COLD in th classroom, so today I wore a white LL Bean (!!) mandarin color placket front long-sleeved blouse (I was goin' Old Skool Prep). and an ancient Royal Silk raw silk tweedy coat, that is really warm. It got soaked in the rain today, so off to the dry cleaner it goes, bleah. I also wore my new lace and satin scarf/tie. The predominant color in the blazer was brown, and it was nubby, and has flecks of lots of colors, so the scarf looked really nice with it, if I do say so myself. And jeans. Oh, and my brown pull on boots, with the velvet and tweed trim. Earrings, Silver Tudor Roses, Navajo stone inlay and silver pendant necklace, funky geometric charm bracelet. I looked MAH-velous.

So Things I Learned on Day One: Sit at the end of the row, so you don't have to climb over others when you have to pee every 7.5 minutes. Don't sit next to woman from Florida who wants to talk about real estate. Adults are often shitty students.

Oh, and this was interesting: a classmate started making an Admission Against Interest to a a lawyer as all three of us stood around talking about some legal niceties of the size of grows. The lawyer knew I was a lawyer, and gave me a panicked look, and quickly said, "Well, you really shouldn't talk about this type of information in a public place, you need to call me so we can talk confidentially. And the guy said, "Okay," and then continued to make further admissions. The lawyer gave me another look, and I told him I would email my question, and I got the hell out of there.

Sunday started with methods of ingestion, which was AMAZING. I know that sounds insane, but I learned tons of different ways to prepare cannabis for people with different medical prohibitions. People who can't smoke, can't keep food down, allergic to nuts (lots of nuts in pot cooking), tincture, gel caps.... We learned how to make hash a couple of different ways, as well as keef. I mean, it takes some equipment, but not as much as you would think, and even I could construct some of the equipment myself to make keef, and I am a klutz. The drawback, of course, is you need to start out with large quantities of plant material. Sometimes the buds, sometimes the rest of the plant, but a LOT of it. I think if you are an alum, you pretty much have access to any remains of harvests that they don't want to use, on a first come first serve, but there were several cross-communications during the weekend, so I could have misunderstood that.

Then after a 10 minute break, we had "Cooking with Aunt Sandy." More awesomeness. I actually had already signed up for a class of hers in two weeks, I had already heard great things about her not only from Oaksterdam students, but people at dispensaries who sell her stuff. Cannabinoids are fat soluble, so to release them you need to heat them in butter, or really unhealthy vegetable oil (the fattier, the better). She was hilarious, too. She crowed about how fucked up she had gotten some of her customers, and apparently Cannabis is a staple in her home-cooking. For instance, when she makes bread, right before she sets it to rise, she entirely coats it in ground plant matter (it is like flour), then lets it rise. Then serve with cannabutter. We also talked about ratios and dosages. When she makes cannabutter, at the end there is water that has separated from the chilled butter, and she cooks kraft macaroni in it, and makes mac&cheese with cannabutter. The class I am taking I will be learning how to make cannabutter, how to infuse a turkey with butter, and how to make a kick-ass stuffing. FUN! I decided not to enroll in the second part, Advanced Basic, until next year. My take home test from this weekend is due the Monday after that weekend, and I was TIRED after classes each day, so I decided I would do something more fun, but still useful.

I am surprised at how much edibles interested me. I would never ever be able to cook in my kitchen, the health department would have to set the house on fire to help bring it in compliance with health standards. But they *just* are opening a commercial kitchen on the 3rd floor (this is their new building: First floor, admin, second floor, grow room and classroom, third floor commercial kitchen, and either another classroom or another grow room. I am going to guess grow room, they have other classroom options. But that is something I might want to pursue, since I am assuming I would be working in a regulated kitchen, not my own. I want to be involved in a grow, just to go through the paces. I am pretty sure if cloning is as easy as I think, I should learn that.

So after cooking class, we went to lunch at the Student Union. I am not even sure I am going to go into all that was going on, but basically: A room, you need a student ID, or to be accompanied by a student, and pay 5 dollars, to enter. It is pretty big, divided into pool and foosball, a flatscreen with tables to sit at, eat, and watch, more cocktail-y tables for people who wanted to socialize. And of course, there was cannabis. First of all, they sell it there, and at a slight discount with student id (slight, but I am not complaining). Not in huge quantities, just a few strains, some edibles, and they also sell one strain of hash (a pretty good one, though). Because it was very crowded when I got there, I didn't get the whole picture, but later, we ended up having some classes there (more to come), and I saw the layout: Each table has two community bags of bud (I would guess 3 or 4 grams a bag). Also, two grinders, a water pipe, a hand held vaporizer, a pipe, a Volcano vaporizer bag, lighters, ashtrays, and rolling papers. People just leave little piles of roaches and bowls of pot that they decided they didn't want. I bought a little for the novelty of smoking so socially (in a public place), a White Widow (Indica) /Train Wreck (Sativa) hybrid, hybrids work best for me, and this was lighter than the pure indicas which are for heavy pain.

Anyway, I bought a few grams, and went over to one of the shelves they have for you to "work" on assembling whatever method you use. They use guitar picks as a drug tool, it is funny what people end up commandeering as paraphenalia, So just as I was grinding some up, a man next to me said, "Oh, I'm leaving, and I don't want to take that small an amount, you take it. So that was a bowl. I used a water pipe, which I don't like, but the vaporizers were swamped, because everyone wanted to try a Volcano (a super expensive, but highly coveted model; we would love one someday). I borrowed a lighter. I usually only use them for hash, so I was overwhelmed for a second by the sheer quantity of smoke that came up (do you know smoking a joint is better for your lungs than through a water pipe? You filter cancer fighting cannabinoids with the water!

But my instinct when all the smoke started pouring out was to draw too hard, and water flew up the pipe, a bit got into my mouth, and SOME SPILLED ON MY BEAUTIFUL NEW SCARF! I ran to the bathroom and rinsed it, silk is pretty durable, and I just had to pray about the lace, because I couldn't wear a bong-water scented piece of clothing. Fortunately, it came out, because I got it literally within a minute, it didn't really even have time to saturate. So I looked very suave.

There was a member there who was basically strapped to a wheelchair with a plastic molded frame tied to the back of his chair to keep him upright. He is paralyzed from the chest down (motorcycle accident), and his mother picked them up and moved them to California so he could get Medical Cannabis for his pain and neuropathy, not to mention PTSD. So as a thank you to the Oaksterdam community, she makes a lunch every Sunday, to go with whatever sporting event is on the flat screen. Today it was football, and we had wings and potato salad. So I had one more bowl, and then headed back to class. As I was walking back, I passed a horrible accident: I am not sure how the cars ended up in the positions the did, but one was facing in the wrong direction on the one way street, with it's left bumper deep into a parked car's rear driver side, and another car was dragged into it, and slammed a transformer. So all the power went out, and we weren't allowed to go back to our classroom because of fire codes.

So they quickly divided the Student Union in two, and we had class on one side. Our books, the slides, our notebooks, were al in the other building. So we got pads to take notes on. I was annoyed, I don't like notes from one class scattered. So I literally came home and taped the pages rom the pad into my notebook, in order.

It was weird being in class as people passed joints and paraphenalia back and forth in front of you (we couldn't have done this in the classroom building). I couldn't even smell any pot anymore, and we were warned to take a few minutes after class to make sure we hadn't gotten a little high just from being in the room.

The kicker? You want to smoke a cigarette? Outside with you, that's disgusting. :)

So then we had the "science" class, which was a Dr. (he said what field, I have zoned) who is the US specialist on cannabis, used in court, involved in studies in 5 countries, blah di blah. He taught me a lot about how the FDA works, and how that handicaps cannabis. One of the discussions was the LD50 rate: An LD50 is a dose of a medication that would be lethal in 50% of the population. so of course, you want your LD50 to be a huge number, and as he said, "They finally found the lethal dose for a rat was dropping a 25 Kilo bale of pot on it from a height of several feet." I knew this. Then one guy started in on the psychosis/cannabis connection. Cannabis finds schizophrenia and bipolar illness by precipitating first psychoses in people who would almost certainly have had another psychotic within a few years. This consensus is held WIDELY among p-docs, There are lots of reasons they may not want their patient using cannabis, but MJ doesn't create psychoses in an otherwise neurotypical person.

This man insisted that his friends had been very heavy smokers, quit to lower their tolerance (to save money), and then when they started smoking again a few months later, they became psychotic, and it had to be the pot, and his mother was a p-doc in the NV prison system, so she knows. A prison psychiatrist, how prestigious (oh, I am a bitch). So *I* said, "My dad is a psychopharmacologist, and he finds that a lot of his schizophrenic and bipolar patients self medicate with pot. AS WITH ANY PSYCHIATRIC DRUG, stopping and starting it can ruin its effectiveness, or even cause paradoxical reactions. This is not uncommon. The Dr. lecturing agreed with me, but the other guy was like, "Well, that's not what my mother says." I get all snotty and bitchy internally, and want to say things like, "Okay, lets get my Harvard and Yale educated, world renowned research, clinician, and forensic psychiatrist, and have him debate your mom, who works in Nevada's prison system. Please. In the meantime, I'll sell tickets.

After the science discussion, we had a brief fund-raising and advocacy class. My problem is that I only feel comfortable asking for money for a cause face to face with the person, I don't like phone calls or mailings. But I've done it, I'll do it again.

I feel so energized and excited. I feel the way I did after every HIV education training clinic, every political strategy discussion, oh my god, what have I been doing for the last 10 years? Well, 9, to be totally fair.

I am sure there is more, but I am starting to tire, it will take me years to proof this, before I post it. So I am wrapping up.

No seriously, I wore stuff

Okay, I have learned that removing images that I have posted on flickr, even when I lift the html, makes them disappear blog. So sorry that some of my pictures have disappeared. I maybe will fix some of the "outfit" pictures.

I haven't posted any outfits in a while, but that doesn't mean I haven't been keeping records. And I know this is going to be super self-indulgent, but I am going to also start taking pictures of my jewelry, so I can refer to it. Hey, this is my frivolous "what I wore" blog, as well as my pensive "who AM I" blog.

So, I am just going to show "outfits" in order, and then discuss them as I go along. This should be an absolutely riveting post. But I am learning things.

Friday, it began to cool off, but was still warm. The top is an Exhilaration top by Target (which I am currently boycotting). The pants are those ugly Costco Capri's again. We will see these again soon, and I have more to say on that. The hair pin is one of my larger kanzashi, blue and pink. the usual Birkenstock: In my defense, I have to limit my footwear due to foot reconstruction less than a year ago, with more surgery to come.



I also wore these beautiful earrings, another GW find. Perfect fall colors. No necklace, the scoop neck is elasticized and ruffled.



Saturday, I actually had a reason to dress fairly nicely: NakedJen, DH and I had plans for lunch at our usual Ginormous Whole Foods in Cupertino, a central meeting place in the Silicon Valley for us. But, after I got dressed, fate intervened, in the form of a disgruntled host, and two silly dogs, so she had to run back to Santa Cruz. We see each other enough, it wasn't a big deal. But this is what I dressed in:



You are familiar with a lot of these clothes. Brown cotton tunic with embossed insets on the front and the sleeves; Coldwater creek jeans (I am washing these clothes occasionally, so don't panic). I also wore my Bass black zip up ankle boots.
They couldn't be more practical, classic, or comfortable. If I take care of them, I will be able to where them my whole life.

The jewelry is almost all new to you, save those earrings (they go with everything, seriously). On my right wrist, you can see a sculpted silver bangle bracelet, my parents gave it to me for my 16th birthday. I also am wearing a signed Navajo totem charm necklace.This is one of the coolest pieces of jewelry I own. I have to take pictures of these things when I am not wearing them. Again, I see long posts of earrings and necklaces. Riveting reading, hold onto your hats.

Sunday, I didn't feel great, which shows in my demeanor. I was very upset about Heather, I was still in shock. plus, I had a stupid menstrual headache. Oops, was that TMI? That pink shirt with the white "shirt" hanging below it: That is all of a piece, another Costco purchase. Not my favorite. I have a lot of solid color Costco for my old doggie daycare job, as we had to wear solid colored shirts. I didn't want to wear nice enough clothes that I cared if they got ruined by dogs or chemicals.

Now the Capri's. This is their second wear, which is pretty standard for me and pants. With jeans, I usually wear them 3 times, and sometimes, I admit, even a fourth. But look, these are far more awful than they were Friday. I have relegated them to pajamas, or at worst, gym clothes: No more wearing them as "real" clothes. I suspect I have a lot of knits I am going to be equally unhappy with. This is actually becoming a useful way of winnowing and organizing my wardrobe. I ORGANIZED MY CLOSET today. At least what was already in it. I have many more clothes to wash, or get dry cleaned.



As usual, my hair looked like shit. But my necklace was cute:



One of my MANY Wychbury purchases. I just got another packet from them, so I have more fun stuff to show off soon. They created the pansy that is the inspiration for my cover-up tattoo.

Monday I didn't do much, just hung around the house, literally. You may notice I am actually barefoot, which I am trying to not make a habit, I have discovered the more "dressed" I am, the more likely I am to run errands, and go out, which is good for my mental health, and good practice for my social anxiety.

Now I am pretty sure those jeans don't look THAT bad on me. They are just plain old Levis, and I can't recreate that bagginess when I am using my own two eyes. Also, wearing a cheapo Costco henley shirt. AND I noticed a stain on it, so at the end of the day, into the trash it went. So you see, this is a bit like winnowing my wardrobe. Sort of my own little "What Not to Wear."



No jewelry, dirty hair. This is pretty standard when my mood is bobbling around my baseline, I have better and worse days.

On Tuesday, I wore this to my p-doc appt. I know I wore the skirt just the other day, but I thought it was a pretty different look:



I had my hair pulled back, and a Calvin Klein casual scoop-neck long-sleeved top, the sleeves are inset like tiny mutton chop sleeves. Padded shoulders and emphasizing my shoulders (not to 1980s proportions) is supposed to be a good style for apple shaped people. Believe it or not, the shirt looked better tucked in. The necklace is a $2 purchase, it is just faux gold and beads, and it is very long. You can see I have it knotted, and in the picture with DC early in the blog, you can see I am wearing it doubled up. I also am wearing these earrings:



Yes, Wychbury again! They know who I am now. Har.

Today was a double outfit today. That is because I woke up feeling horrible. Seriously awful. I didn't have a headache yet, but I think I staved it off somewhat. Anyway, here I am in jammies, a tshirt, and a jacket (I am always cold when migraine-y



At about 4:30, I started feeling better. I called in my scripts, and realized that on Friday, not only would I have to drive out to Lucky, I wanted to go to Enica's holiday art party at Eni-thing. I decided to just take the American Express gift card Sister2 gave us for our anniversary. DH has spaced on it, and I do want to go to this party, and buy some pretty things, maybe even some early gifts. BUT, I might try to hit up the Sunnyvale GW if I don't get to sleep sometime soon. It is, after all, now 5:30. Who knows, I might stay up and go, then nap. Sigh.

At any rate, I started feeling better, and I decided rather than squeeze in another trip Friday to SBAC dispensary while I was feeling okay, since who knew how I would feel in a bit. Okay, another lesson learned courtesy of the GPS: During rush hour, take side streets. Geez.

DH got home shortly after I did. I actually will admit, I bought a few strains and told him they were purely for headaches, and he was not to smoke it. I also got some hash, since he won't smoke it. That way, at least I know I will have SOMETHING to take every night for the next two weeks, and it is surprisingly cheap. Cannabis is better, but hash will do. I feel bad, I wonder about his dependence, but I actually have more difficulty without it than he. Of course, that is because I start having more migraines, but it also means I have a hard time limiting his intake. Ugh.

More on non fashion topics tomorrow/today.

Odds and ends

Well, I am excited, because I have settled on a basic concept for my cover up tattoo. I actually consulted with one of the artists at an Etsy shop I "frequent," and got permission to base the tattoo off of her brooches. My last tattoo was partially based on a Tudor Rose brooch I bought from them. I should have asked permission, but it didn't occur to me, to be honest. It was only after I thought about it that I realized they were owed some credit for my tattoo design. That was a "meaningful" tattoo, because the Tudor Rose was in memory of my Boxer "Good Queen Bess," and it was surrounded by Violets (for guess who).



This time I will be basing it on her pansy brooches, particularly this one. Cover-ups are usually pretty big tattoos, so I am also going to incorporate the Ophelia quotation from "Hamlet": "And there is pansies, that's for thoughts..." which is a an idea directly ripped-off from the shop description of the brooch. But I don't think Shakespeare is protected by copy write. Har. I won't be able to do this for a few months. due to cost, but it is awesome to have settled on the final idea, I am in love with it. And I know H will be excited to start working on a basic design. The last tattoo ended up being a four person project. I came up with the idea, Wychbury provided the model for one part of it, H did the rough design, and Jessica from Staircase Tattoo refined it, and made it look more botanically correct.




So, it has been very hot here, in the mid-90s. Which has, of course, influenced my wardrobe choices. What I wore yesterday: My little Tiffany silver Tudor Rose earrings, a sage green spaghetti strap top I got at GW, which has kind of extra fabric that you tie in front, so it has a layered look. It has spaghetti straps, so I have to wear a camisole with a shelf bra, and in this case, it was a neon green one. I really am not thrilled with my arms, but I tend to wear tank tops a lot. Also, I wore some green denim shorts, also GW. Finally, I wore my Keen flip flops, I guess officially they are Waimea H2.

Here I am:



These are the sandals, although mine are grey:



Today was very hot as well. It also is a day worth remarking on, because it is the first time I have taken a picture of an outfit and thought, "Shriek, that is horrible on me." I couldn't have emphasized my faults better, and the shirt I wore was just too small. So it is going to Goodwill. I guess this is going to be a major aspect of the blog, seeing myself in clothes and saying, "HOLY SHIT!" So I am wearing a camisole (same neon color, different one), the v-neck collared sage and ivory striped shirt that is going to GW, same shorts, and purple Crocs flip flops.



The striped shirt is supposed to be cropped, but I don't think it is supposed to end just below my boobs. And the horizontal stripes are just, well....

I was going to go to a drop in beginning belly dancing class tonight, but then the owner told me the place had no air-conditioning. I decided that would be one thing if I were already in reasonable shape, but trying out a new exercise under the worst possible conditions was not exactly giving the new type of exercise a chance. So I will go next Wednesday.

We got our American Express bill, and it is just deadly. We won't be totally back on our feet until early December (just in time for my family's very competitive holiday gift giving, ugh). Our savings are pretty much zero, although we do have stocks we could sell, so we do have some net worth. We won't have to sell them unless there is an emergency, so that is good. Still, even though we wiped out are savings, that is what savings is for, right? We got through 10 months, and they always say save up 6 months. So we obviously had passed that goal. But now we are starting over. First savings goal, save 10k. It is like going back to the beginning of our marriage.

My mood chart says my function has gone from good to moderate. I agree. I have a lot of signs of hypo mania, but unfortunately, none of the useful ones. Mostly agitation, sleeplessness, over-eating, but none of that energy, or the "high." I am anxious about seeing my shrink, our last meeting did not end on a happy note, and now this will be our last meeting before he goes on sabbatical. Ugh, a new psychiatrist. I really like *this* guy, even if we did have a bit of a tiff.

NakedJen has landed in Santa Cruz with her doggie companions, Stella and Buddha. DH and I will be seeing her on Saturday. On Sunday, I am going to a "bird class," to learn about bird care, because we might be getting a bird! DH seems to waver back and forth on it. I am very interested, but if he doesn't want one, there is no point. It was supposed to be kind of a "concession" to him, although that isn't the right word. I just mean it was his turn to get something he wanted, and it was a bird. But now he is going back and forth. My biggest concern is that the bird will shriek while I have migraines, and I will want to kill it. Joking. Sort of. The cage would have to be in our room, there is no room elsewhere, and the light setup is the best and healthiest for a bird, as well. Violet's "hang out" is in the study, so we could have them both secured in separate rooms when we left (I would NEVER leave Violet with access to the bird while I wasn't there.

In other, more alternative news, the weekend after this coming one (23rd-24th) I start classes at Oaksterdam University, where I have my first medical cannabis course, Basic 101 Weekend . This course is a 1/2 of their Classic Curriculum. Their Classic Curriculum lasts 13 weeks, the way I am doing it is over two weekends classes. I am very psyched about this.

Well, I think my shopping is mostly done for a while, but I still have tons and tons of finds to show off to those of you who have not already had the misfortune of being forced to look at them as I purchased them. And I am also sure I will have just as many appalling outfits to post. I need it to cool off, I have many more things to wear once it goes into the 60s.

Shopping Blitz

Vintage (80sish) burgundy crinkly cotton maxi-skirt (new with tags), and sage green cropped blouse. The blouse has a patchwork of the fabric, with different patterns of embroidery on each panel. I also wore some black leather skimmers. There's my little green purse again.

I have now been awake for 29 hours, and am getting my second wind. Ugh. Hypo mania, here I come. Well, I see the Dr. in literally a week. You probably cannot have failed to notice that my shopping is somewhat compulsive. It is like some kind of emotional compromise I have made with myself about spending when I am "high," it is okay to buy a lot of things, if I don't pay a lot over all. This can actually still get me into trouble, but would be more of an issue if I were shopping for clothes in the mall. I used to shop for a lot of my clothes on eBay, and this is even less expensive. Hey, cannabis is expensive, we save where we can. Uh, right, I am an AWESOME saver.

Anyway, I put all this energy to good use this morning. DH overslept, and I took him into work, since I was awake anyway. Then I decided to try a Salvation Army, and went to the main San Jose branch. When I first walked in, it did NOT look promising, but it was absolutely enormous. I decided not to even look at skirts, pants or shorts, and focus solely on tops. While I was looking, the manager of the store announced that they were clearing out inventory, and you would get one item of equal or lesser price for free with another item.

One thing I noticed right away was that they weren't as picky about what they put on the floor as Goodwill. They leave it up to you to find any tears or stains, although in my opinion, they pretty much pointedly marked things down with defects. I realized I had really honed my technique, I can get through a lot of clothes fast, and know what spots to look at quickly for wear and tear. If I have any hesitation over it, I don't pull it. There is plenty there to try on, I shouldn't waste time on stuff I already don't really like, or that might be too tired.

The cool thing was when I checked out, they used the highest priced item, and the next highest priced item as the free item, it wasn't like they chose the lowest half of the prices. So I got 8 pieces of clothing, for $29.94. Good lord, I scare myself, I remind myself of my grandmother. But she would buy things on sale JUST because they were on sale. She once bought 50 house coats, because, "They were just $2 each!" Of course, neither she nor anyone she knew actually wore house coats. There is a horrific throw back, do you remember house coats?

So, this is one of those horrific lists of things I bought. I am such a spoiled housewife, but at least I know it. I moved the date up for my first class, so that will actually be the weekend after this one. Oops, I better make a hotel reservation.... But anyway, it is the worst kind of consumption, but at least it is "re-using and recycling," and it really is not expensive.

I was heavy on the red spectrum and the sweaters and jackets. I have to go through my shirts, some of them have holes in them from dog teeth, and that sort of thing, I may need a couple more dressy tops, but other than that, I really am set for the fall and winter.

Burgundy-ish crochet short sleeved cardigan, the sleeves are kind of like longer flutter sleeves. I think the brand is not a very good one, White Stag; that could be a Wal-mart front, but I figure they aren't getting the money.



Sky blue sweater vest, it looks handmade. It is open down the sides almost to the waist band:



I am beginning to have a little trouble switching back and forth between windows, especially as I have Flickr open in Firefox, and this open in Safari, since I have two separate gmail accounts, one signed in on each browser. So I could stop this post at some point.

Black cotton cable knit sweater with rolled collar. Sorry about the glare, it was 90 today:



Red asymmetrical linen-blend tunic with wood buttons, can be worn alone or over something:



The glare made this blouse very hard to see: It is a metallic red blouse, with back and gold threads through it. But while shimmery, it would be appropriate for an office, Not that I am likely to wear it to an office, that is more likely for dressing up for me. Fabric covered buttons, which I always really like:



You can see red is definitely a theme here. A red wool blazer, it skims over my body pretty well, which is what I need clothes to do. Another woman shopping next to me actually insisted I buy it. Har. I forget what shape this is called, but I wore this shape a lot when I was practicing law, so for some reason, it must be a good cut on me.




I love this, I have to think of how I will use it though. Hot pink linen Ralph Lauren box-y blazer, it hits me at just below the hip, which is a good place for me.



This picture doesn't really do a fair job of showing this next jacket off. It has a really nice look to the fabric, kind of pseudo-suede-y. It is actually the nicest piece I bought, but it looks washed out in the photo. This is a deep red cropped jacket. I can wear this with a zillion things. Red can be a great neutral, I have learned.



There! I think that is it for this trip! I actually have a few things to show you from last week, but I actually am getting pooped, and I can't look a gift foot in the mouth, or something.


'Night!