Love and Spontaneity #reverb10

Dec. 16 Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? -Martha Mihalik

Dec. 17 Prompt: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? -Tara Weaver

Perfect.  Just as I sit down to write this, another headache is coming slamming in.  The barometer is changing, and like many migraneurs, barometer changes can give me headaches.  More often than not they do.  But I had gotten away with the first 24 hours of this storm, so I had hoped maybe I would be spared.  Sigh.

I couldn't decide how to approach the friendship prompt.  I feel like I have endured a lot this year, but most of it was spent in our duplex, just my husband and myself.   It was much more a year of physical and emotional stress than it was of perspective change.  I know that stress and mayhem are supposed to build character, but my character can only be built up so much before it topples me with its weightiness.  I know how to get through shitty times, because so much of my life has been shitty.  That sounds awful, and I should make it clear I am very happy.   But that is almost entirely because of my marriage.  This is not to disparage my friends.   And perhaps it is just a way of pointing out how dear of a friend my husband is to me.  But he was the person's whose shoulder I sobbed when it all became too much.   And vice versa, frankly.  

We have become better friends this year.  We both talk about it a lot:  It is as if we have just met each other again, 10 years later.  Again, a horrible year in terms of events, a fantastic year in terms of my marriage.  Our family is mostly on the East Coast.  I have a sister in Dallas, and a sister in Australia.  We are a pretty self-contained unit, and both being shy introverts, we aren't the most social people, so we really rely on each other.  I actually am more of a social person than he, which is almost scary.  

Although I do think my sociability would be enhanced if I felt I could confidently accept invitations in advance.  But I always risk being sick the day of.  Which cleverly segues into my lesson learned in 2010.  Heh.

It is hard to get me to do things at the spur of the moment.  Yet I have more "memorable" moments when I say "Fuck it, let's do it," than when I try to plan ahead.   I mentioned in an earlier post that I plan compulsively, and while I do not have OCD, it is considered something I need to pay attention to as part of my overall mental health.  Of course, keeping an eye on over-planning is kind of a Catch-22 for me, but I do as best I can.

Whenever I say, "Okay, let's do it," I have fun.  Always.  Whether it is to run to a restaurant at the last minute, or catch a movie, stuff that may not seem very bold to you.   But I can't even be sure I will be functional the next day, so planning for things is no good.   In fact, I know I use the obsessive planning as a defense mechanism for my lack of control over my health.  

And I also have a tendency to "hoard" the hours I am not in pain.  Sometimes I just enjoy hanging out doing not much, when I am feeling all right.  Add that time to the times I am down with headaches, and that leaves not many opportunities for spontaneity.  

Spontaneity for me could mean deciding on the spur of the moment to order a fun dinner from Whole Foods for New Year's Eve.  Then ordering it two weeks ahead of time.  But hey, I ordered it as soon as I thought of it!  And some of the joy I do find in planning comes from exactly this type of anticipation, so I actually was not being as much of a freak as usual.

But it can also mean moments of truly plunging in, and challenging myself, such as sharing the communal showers at the Oregon Country Fair, and overcoming just a little bit of my body-hatred.  It also meant I decided to go to a class on the Medical Cannabis Industry.  And at the moment, I am annoyed, because I had another great example of when taking a chance did something positive, and the migraine has knocked it out of my head.  Grrr.  Planning does have its place, I guess.

I will never be able to stop planning entirely.  I see the same behavior in other family members!  But I am trying to take risks, however tame they may seem to others.  

In fact, I just decided to let my hair grow out its natural color (with plenty of gray), and made the hair appointment for early next week!   And earlier that same day, I am going to stop off at my favorite tattoo shop to discuss my next tattoo.  Wheeee!

Baby steps, people.

No seriously, I wore stuff

Okay, I have learned that removing images that I have posted on flickr, even when I lift the html, makes them disappear blog. So sorry that some of my pictures have disappeared. I maybe will fix some of the "outfit" pictures.

I haven't posted any outfits in a while, but that doesn't mean I haven't been keeping records. And I know this is going to be super self-indulgent, but I am going to also start taking pictures of my jewelry, so I can refer to it. Hey, this is my frivolous "what I wore" blog, as well as my pensive "who AM I" blog.

So, I am just going to show "outfits" in order, and then discuss them as I go along. This should be an absolutely riveting post. But I am learning things.

Friday, it began to cool off, but was still warm. The top is an Exhilaration top by Target (which I am currently boycotting). The pants are those ugly Costco Capri's again. We will see these again soon, and I have more to say on that. The hair pin is one of my larger kanzashi, blue and pink. the usual Birkenstock: In my defense, I have to limit my footwear due to foot reconstruction less than a year ago, with more surgery to come.



I also wore these beautiful earrings, another GW find. Perfect fall colors. No necklace, the scoop neck is elasticized and ruffled.



Saturday, I actually had a reason to dress fairly nicely: NakedJen, DH and I had plans for lunch at our usual Ginormous Whole Foods in Cupertino, a central meeting place in the Silicon Valley for us. But, after I got dressed, fate intervened, in the form of a disgruntled host, and two silly dogs, so she had to run back to Santa Cruz. We see each other enough, it wasn't a big deal. But this is what I dressed in:



You are familiar with a lot of these clothes. Brown cotton tunic with embossed insets on the front and the sleeves; Coldwater creek jeans (I am washing these clothes occasionally, so don't panic). I also wore my Bass black zip up ankle boots.
They couldn't be more practical, classic, or comfortable. If I take care of them, I will be able to where them my whole life.

The jewelry is almost all new to you, save those earrings (they go with everything, seriously). On my right wrist, you can see a sculpted silver bangle bracelet, my parents gave it to me for my 16th birthday. I also am wearing a signed Navajo totem charm necklace.This is one of the coolest pieces of jewelry I own. I have to take pictures of these things when I am not wearing them. Again, I see long posts of earrings and necklaces. Riveting reading, hold onto your hats.

Sunday, I didn't feel great, which shows in my demeanor. I was very upset about Heather, I was still in shock. plus, I had a stupid menstrual headache. Oops, was that TMI? That pink shirt with the white "shirt" hanging below it: That is all of a piece, another Costco purchase. Not my favorite. I have a lot of solid color Costco for my old doggie daycare job, as we had to wear solid colored shirts. I didn't want to wear nice enough clothes that I cared if they got ruined by dogs or chemicals.

Now the Capri's. This is their second wear, which is pretty standard for me and pants. With jeans, I usually wear them 3 times, and sometimes, I admit, even a fourth. But look, these are far more awful than they were Friday. I have relegated them to pajamas, or at worst, gym clothes: No more wearing them as "real" clothes. I suspect I have a lot of knits I am going to be equally unhappy with. This is actually becoming a useful way of winnowing and organizing my wardrobe. I ORGANIZED MY CLOSET today. At least what was already in it. I have many more clothes to wash, or get dry cleaned.



As usual, my hair looked like shit. But my necklace was cute:



One of my MANY Wychbury purchases. I just got another packet from them, so I have more fun stuff to show off soon. They created the pansy that is the inspiration for my cover-up tattoo.

Monday I didn't do much, just hung around the house, literally. You may notice I am actually barefoot, which I am trying to not make a habit, I have discovered the more "dressed" I am, the more likely I am to run errands, and go out, which is good for my mental health, and good practice for my social anxiety.

Now I am pretty sure those jeans don't look THAT bad on me. They are just plain old Levis, and I can't recreate that bagginess when I am using my own two eyes. Also, wearing a cheapo Costco henley shirt. AND I noticed a stain on it, so at the end of the day, into the trash it went. So you see, this is a bit like winnowing my wardrobe. Sort of my own little "What Not to Wear."



No jewelry, dirty hair. This is pretty standard when my mood is bobbling around my baseline, I have better and worse days.

On Tuesday, I wore this to my p-doc appt. I know I wore the skirt just the other day, but I thought it was a pretty different look:



I had my hair pulled back, and a Calvin Klein casual scoop-neck long-sleeved top, the sleeves are inset like tiny mutton chop sleeves. Padded shoulders and emphasizing my shoulders (not to 1980s proportions) is supposed to be a good style for apple shaped people. Believe it or not, the shirt looked better tucked in. The necklace is a $2 purchase, it is just faux gold and beads, and it is very long. You can see I have it knotted, and in the picture with DC early in the blog, you can see I am wearing it doubled up. I also am wearing these earrings:



Yes, Wychbury again! They know who I am now. Har.

Today was a double outfit today. That is because I woke up feeling horrible. Seriously awful. I didn't have a headache yet, but I think I staved it off somewhat. Anyway, here I am in jammies, a tshirt, and a jacket (I am always cold when migraine-y



At about 4:30, I started feeling better. I called in my scripts, and realized that on Friday, not only would I have to drive out to Lucky, I wanted to go to Enica's holiday art party at Eni-thing. I decided to just take the American Express gift card Sister2 gave us for our anniversary. DH has spaced on it, and I do want to go to this party, and buy some pretty things, maybe even some early gifts. BUT, I might try to hit up the Sunnyvale GW if I don't get to sleep sometime soon. It is, after all, now 5:30. Who knows, I might stay up and go, then nap. Sigh.

At any rate, I started feeling better, and I decided rather than squeeze in another trip Friday to SBAC dispensary while I was feeling okay, since who knew how I would feel in a bit. Okay, another lesson learned courtesy of the GPS: During rush hour, take side streets. Geez.

DH got home shortly after I did. I actually will admit, I bought a few strains and told him they were purely for headaches, and he was not to smoke it. I also got some hash, since he won't smoke it. That way, at least I know I will have SOMETHING to take every night for the next two weeks, and it is surprisingly cheap. Cannabis is better, but hash will do. I feel bad, I wonder about his dependence, but I actually have more difficulty without it than he. Of course, that is because I start having more migraines, but it also means I have a hard time limiting his intake. Ugh.

More on non fashion topics tomorrow/today.

Odds and ends

Well, I am excited, because I have settled on a basic concept for my cover up tattoo. I actually consulted with one of the artists at an Etsy shop I "frequent," and got permission to base the tattoo off of her brooches. My last tattoo was partially based on a Tudor Rose brooch I bought from them. I should have asked permission, but it didn't occur to me, to be honest. It was only after I thought about it that I realized they were owed some credit for my tattoo design. That was a "meaningful" tattoo, because the Tudor Rose was in memory of my Boxer "Good Queen Bess," and it was surrounded by Violets (for guess who).



This time I will be basing it on her pansy brooches, particularly this one. Cover-ups are usually pretty big tattoos, so I am also going to incorporate the Ophelia quotation from "Hamlet": "And there is pansies, that's for thoughts..." which is a an idea directly ripped-off from the shop description of the brooch. But I don't think Shakespeare is protected by copy write. Har. I won't be able to do this for a few months. due to cost, but it is awesome to have settled on the final idea, I am in love with it. And I know H will be excited to start working on a basic design. The last tattoo ended up being a four person project. I came up with the idea, Wychbury provided the model for one part of it, H did the rough design, and Jessica from Staircase Tattoo refined it, and made it look more botanically correct.




So, it has been very hot here, in the mid-90s. Which has, of course, influenced my wardrobe choices. What I wore yesterday: My little Tiffany silver Tudor Rose earrings, a sage green spaghetti strap top I got at GW, which has kind of extra fabric that you tie in front, so it has a layered look. It has spaghetti straps, so I have to wear a camisole with a shelf bra, and in this case, it was a neon green one. I really am not thrilled with my arms, but I tend to wear tank tops a lot. Also, I wore some green denim shorts, also GW. Finally, I wore my Keen flip flops, I guess officially they are Waimea H2.

Here I am:



These are the sandals, although mine are grey:



Today was very hot as well. It also is a day worth remarking on, because it is the first time I have taken a picture of an outfit and thought, "Shriek, that is horrible on me." I couldn't have emphasized my faults better, and the shirt I wore was just too small. So it is going to Goodwill. I guess this is going to be a major aspect of the blog, seeing myself in clothes and saying, "HOLY SHIT!" So I am wearing a camisole (same neon color, different one), the v-neck collared sage and ivory striped shirt that is going to GW, same shorts, and purple Crocs flip flops.



The striped shirt is supposed to be cropped, but I don't think it is supposed to end just below my boobs. And the horizontal stripes are just, well....

I was going to go to a drop in beginning belly dancing class tonight, but then the owner told me the place had no air-conditioning. I decided that would be one thing if I were already in reasonable shape, but trying out a new exercise under the worst possible conditions was not exactly giving the new type of exercise a chance. So I will go next Wednesday.

We got our American Express bill, and it is just deadly. We won't be totally back on our feet until early December (just in time for my family's very competitive holiday gift giving, ugh). Our savings are pretty much zero, although we do have stocks we could sell, so we do have some net worth. We won't have to sell them unless there is an emergency, so that is good. Still, even though we wiped out are savings, that is what savings is for, right? We got through 10 months, and they always say save up 6 months. So we obviously had passed that goal. But now we are starting over. First savings goal, save 10k. It is like going back to the beginning of our marriage.

My mood chart says my function has gone from good to moderate. I agree. I have a lot of signs of hypo mania, but unfortunately, none of the useful ones. Mostly agitation, sleeplessness, over-eating, but none of that energy, or the "high." I am anxious about seeing my shrink, our last meeting did not end on a happy note, and now this will be our last meeting before he goes on sabbatical. Ugh, a new psychiatrist. I really like *this* guy, even if we did have a bit of a tiff.

NakedJen has landed in Santa Cruz with her doggie companions, Stella and Buddha. DH and I will be seeing her on Saturday. On Sunday, I am going to a "bird class," to learn about bird care, because we might be getting a bird! DH seems to waver back and forth on it. I am very interested, but if he doesn't want one, there is no point. It was supposed to be kind of a "concession" to him, although that isn't the right word. I just mean it was his turn to get something he wanted, and it was a bird. But now he is going back and forth. My biggest concern is that the bird will shriek while I have migraines, and I will want to kill it. Joking. Sort of. The cage would have to be in our room, there is no room elsewhere, and the light setup is the best and healthiest for a bird, as well. Violet's "hang out" is in the study, so we could have them both secured in separate rooms when we left (I would NEVER leave Violet with access to the bird while I wasn't there.

In other, more alternative news, the weekend after this coming one (23rd-24th) I start classes at Oaksterdam University, where I have my first medical cannabis course, Basic 101 Weekend . This course is a 1/2 of their Classic Curriculum. Their Classic Curriculum lasts 13 weeks, the way I am doing it is over two weekends classes. I am very psyched about this.

Well, I think my shopping is mostly done for a while, but I still have tons and tons of finds to show off to those of you who have not already had the misfortune of being forced to look at them as I purchased them. And I am also sure I will have just as many appalling outfits to post. I need it to cool off, I have many more things to wear once it goes into the 60s.