Hey! I haven't been around for a while, but there are a few reasons for that. I have been having horrific headaches, and a couple of mood bobbles and when I have had the energy to blog, I blog on a support site for the crazies.
When I just feel like splatting words onto a page, as a writing exercise, I have been using 750words.com. A great place to write garbage safely. I still fixate on myself, too much, I need to be more conscious of having an idea or topic upon which to riff.
So with all the writing I was doing here in December, followed by my spreading my writing efforts on other websites, and the headaches, I have been neglecting this blog.
Well, I hope to both get back into the "What I wore," and thrift shop finds. I do believe I haven't shown you some of my final finds before this total collapse of my health. Not to mention general the discussions about body image and BP illness. I can sense it will be coming soon....
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Ending 2010: Deflation #reverb10
Well, it is the New Year. I admittedly threw over the final set of prompts. I was tired of their sameness, and while self-reflection is good, this exercise was beginning to strike me more as self-absorption.
The year ended with a completely crushing disappointment for me. Atenolol, the medication to which I switched two weeks ago in my attempt to control my migraines, started causing side effects that were intolerable, and/or precursors of more severe side effects. I left a message for my neurologist on Friday, Dec. 31, knowing he wasn't expected back in the office until January 4. I knew I couldn't stop this medication cold turkey without endangering myself, so I thought I would have to wait until Tuesday, and just cope with the side effects, making sure they did not take a turn for the worse.
So I was surprised that he called me at 9:30 PM on New Year's Eve; perhaps he was the Neurologist On-Call for the evening, but he uncharacteristically checked his messages on a Friday. He told me to titrate of the atenolol. I already had an appointment scheduled for mid-February, but I said to him I guessed I should reschedule the appointment for an earlier date. He began to hem and haw a little, and said something like, "I am always glad to see you, we can talk about the frequency of your headaches. I really think you should go back on Depakote in the fall." First of all, no. I will not go back on Depakote, and I have told him that repeatedly. But his message was clear. There is nothing else left in his pharmacological arsenal for me to try.
I had thought I was going to try the SSRI Cymbalta, until my psychiatrist nixed it, seemingly out of nowhere. He is now adamantly opposed to my using it, even though he told me in early May that the dose of Cymbalta used for migraine were so tiny that it would have no activating effect on my mood. SSRIs are generally no-nos for bipolar people, which was the whole point of that visit, to see if he thought I could handle it. I have in my notes that he said I could. He either changed his mind, or forgot, but it made me feel foolish. I really don't like to give the impression that I am pushing around my doctors (not that it doesn't happen). But this time I really wasn't, I was suggesting a medication that I have a record of his permitting.
But the long and short of it is, I have reached the end of the medication merry-go-round. With SSRIs eliminated, there is no other class of medication left to try as prophylaxis. I am now officially reliant solely on OTC analgesics, sumatriptan, and medical cannabis. As far as my neurologist is concerned, I can visit him sooner, or I can visit him later, there is nothing more he can do. I am going to beg and plead for a referral to the UCSF Headache Clinic. I have no idea if they have anything to offer, but they are the West Coast center for people like me.
Planner that I am, I already have contingency plans in case the UCSF Clinic, to which I have not yet been referred, is unable to help me.
So yeah. Way to end 2010.
Which just puts me in a morose mood for all of the challenges we already know we must face in 2011. I have foot surgery again. Then my husband has brain surgery. And at some point in 2011, I need to get over to Berkeley medical school, to have an eye I am losing vision in examined, and treated.
If all those events go smoothly, 2011 holds a lot of promise. But it also holds a lot of pitfalls. It seems as if the entire duration of my relationship with DH has been stumbling from one drama to the next. Our health issues have definitely meant there are dimensions to cope with beyond the usual loving and cherishing we would naturally provide each other: There is frustration and fear, for starters.
I burnt a candle on the Solstice, and again on the New Year, to send up all the bad vibrations and echoes of 2010 into the ether. I have my superstitions. Although if you ask me, I'll admit, I don't truly believe in them. But I like rituals, and superstitions are ripe for ritual. Rituals give me a false sense of control that is comforting, in spite of my knowing I am fooling myself.
2011 is also the Chinese year of the Rabbit, which is my birth sign. I turn 48. I fall under the water element, and am supposed to have a good career year. That would be nice for a change.
I know good things are in store, too. I am looking forward to further involvement in the Medical Cannabis community. Our tenth wedding anniversary is a huge milestone for us. And my third Oregon Country Fair is another anniversary of sorts. My French Bulldog Violet turned 7 on New Year's day, which is always auspicious.
Now if I could just locate my wallet....
The year ended with a completely crushing disappointment for me. Atenolol, the medication to which I switched two weeks ago in my attempt to control my migraines, started causing side effects that were intolerable, and/or precursors of more severe side effects. I left a message for my neurologist on Friday, Dec. 31, knowing he wasn't expected back in the office until January 4. I knew I couldn't stop this medication cold turkey without endangering myself, so I thought I would have to wait until Tuesday, and just cope with the side effects, making sure they did not take a turn for the worse.
So I was surprised that he called me at 9:30 PM on New Year's Eve; perhaps he was the Neurologist On-Call for the evening, but he uncharacteristically checked his messages on a Friday. He told me to titrate of the atenolol. I already had an appointment scheduled for mid-February, but I said to him I guessed I should reschedule the appointment for an earlier date. He began to hem and haw a little, and said something like, "I am always glad to see you, we can talk about the frequency of your headaches. I really think you should go back on Depakote in the fall." First of all, no. I will not go back on Depakote, and I have told him that repeatedly. But his message was clear. There is nothing else left in his pharmacological arsenal for me to try.
I had thought I was going to try the SSRI Cymbalta, until my psychiatrist nixed it, seemingly out of nowhere. He is now adamantly opposed to my using it, even though he told me in early May that the dose of Cymbalta used for migraine were so tiny that it would have no activating effect on my mood. SSRIs are generally no-nos for bipolar people, which was the whole point of that visit, to see if he thought I could handle it. I have in my notes that he said I could. He either changed his mind, or forgot, but it made me feel foolish. I really don't like to give the impression that I am pushing around my doctors (not that it doesn't happen). But this time I really wasn't, I was suggesting a medication that I have a record of his permitting.
But the long and short of it is, I have reached the end of the medication merry-go-round. With SSRIs eliminated, there is no other class of medication left to try as prophylaxis. I am now officially reliant solely on OTC analgesics, sumatriptan, and medical cannabis. As far as my neurologist is concerned, I can visit him sooner, or I can visit him later, there is nothing more he can do. I am going to beg and plead for a referral to the UCSF Headache Clinic. I have no idea if they have anything to offer, but they are the West Coast center for people like me.
Planner that I am, I already have contingency plans in case the UCSF Clinic, to which I have not yet been referred, is unable to help me.
So yeah. Way to end 2010.
Which just puts me in a morose mood for all of the challenges we already know we must face in 2011. I have foot surgery again. Then my husband has brain surgery. And at some point in 2011, I need to get over to Berkeley medical school, to have an eye I am losing vision in examined, and treated.
If all those events go smoothly, 2011 holds a lot of promise. But it also holds a lot of pitfalls. It seems as if the entire duration of my relationship with DH has been stumbling from one drama to the next. Our health issues have definitely meant there are dimensions to cope with beyond the usual loving and cherishing we would naturally provide each other: There is frustration and fear, for starters.
I burnt a candle on the Solstice, and again on the New Year, to send up all the bad vibrations and echoes of 2010 into the ether. I have my superstitions. Although if you ask me, I'll admit, I don't truly believe in them. But I like rituals, and superstitions are ripe for ritual. Rituals give me a false sense of control that is comforting, in spite of my knowing I am fooling myself.
2011 is also the Chinese year of the Rabbit, which is my birth sign. I turn 48. I fall under the water element, and am supposed to have a good career year. That would be nice for a change.
I know good things are in store, too. I am looking forward to further involvement in the Medical Cannabis community. Our tenth wedding anniversary is a huge milestone for us. And my third Oregon Country Fair is another anniversary of sorts. My French Bulldog Violet turned 7 on New Year's day, which is always auspicious.
Now if I could just locate my wallet....
Monday, December 27, 2010
Through the Looking Glass: Prompt 25 #reverb10
Dec. 25. Photo. A present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.
"Curiouser and Curiouser." Alice, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass
Self Portrait. Taken Saturday, July 10, 2010, through the looking glass, at the Oregon Country Fair.
The summation of a year in one picture: Which way is up?
"Curiouser and Curiouser." Alice, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass
Self Portrait. Taken Saturday, July 10, 2010, through the looking glass, at the Oregon Country Fair.
The summation of a year in one picture: Which way is up?
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The Helpful Crone: Prompts 19, 20 & 21 #reverb10
Dec. 19 Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? -Leonie Allan
Dec. 20 Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) -Jake Nickell
Dec. 21 Future self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) -Jenny Blake
Dear 47 year-old me:
If 2010 was the most chaotic year of your marriage, 2011 was still a doozy. But as usual, the two of you pulled through. The lesson of 2010 was that in order to heal, you must learn to endure the pain with patience, because things may get much worse before they get better. The bottom may have been a lot further down than you initially realized, but there was a bottom. And once you hit it, you found it was something to push off of, to stabilize you during your climb back up. It was a good lesson to have under your belt for 2011, with both of your continued health challenges.
First and foremost, were all of the surgeries. First the foot surgery, to remove the metal you had developed an allergy to. After what you endured after the foot surgery in 2010, this turned out to be a breeze, and you were back on your feet within a month. Then DH's brain surgery, both planned, yet scheduled abruptly, when his epilepsy and seizures took a turn for the worse. As scared as you were for your husband, and as concerned as you were about your finances, both survived. Not without a little too much angst on your part, crtclms. But the fact that you both had endured so much in 2010 made your bond and your faith in yourselves stronger.
The outcome of the brain surgery wasn't the miracle you had hoped for, but it did help with DH's seizures. He became much more responsive to anti-epileptics. He even got his driver's license back.
Then your right eye, the one that was practically blind, and which worsened considerably in 2010, was finally treated. You had been so frightened of the idea of eye surgery, or worse, of losing sight in that eye altogether, that you had totally ignored the problem from that day in October, 2009 that you were told your eye was beyond regular opthalmological care. Then suddenly, the scare in December of 2010, when your sight got abruptly worse. That was scary. And the fact is that it was an unusual and uncomfortable treatment. But the results were worth it: No more night-blindness, no more cars and street lamps throwing halos of light, rather than beams, no more holding books inches from your nose to read regular-sized print, no more hitting the apple key and + over and over again to make sites legible, if distorted.
And on top of that, you worked hard at pulling your financial picture together again, at the same time that you planned a somewhat extravagant 10th wedding anniversary. 10 years of physical disaster after physical disaster, 10 years of joy in and with each other. Years of penny-pinching as you got your marriage started, then years of largess. Followed by 2010, when you became two of millions of victims of the Great Recession.
But while 2010 proved your marriage, 2011 celebrated it. All your life, you had resisted being so reliant on one other person, fearing the idea of merging with them. You feared loss of identity. But in 2010, you realized the strength of two individuals, joined like a mortise and tenon at Stonehenge, create a simple but strong and durable bond, that is stronger than either person alone. The quotation from your wedding ceremony by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry seems to have proved an important tenet in your marriage:
While you lived your marriage day by day, you both were committed to keeping your marriage moving in concert with both of your future dreams.
In 2013, you finally made the big trip to Australia, so that DH could see the country you love so much. It was odd to have a sister living permanently abroad, and you will always feel a little sad that you never had the chance to live overseas. But you made different choices than your sister, and have a happy life.
That was for your 50th birthday, and now your 60th is much closer than I would like to admit. But if I could offer advice to the 47 year-old me/you, here are some of the tidbits I have to share, in my extreme decrepitude:
And of course, you took the time yearly to renew yourself at the Oregon Country Fair, with Nakedjen and friends.
You still miss Bess and Violet. You always will. Your current dog is as lovable as they come, but different. Sometimes you still cry from missing both of them.
DH and I are about to celebrate your 20th wedding anniversary. Congratulations to us all! May we share many more years.
Love,
57 year-old me
P.S. And after all these years, I still can't get the fonts to work properly on Blogger!
Dear 47 year-old me:
If 2010 was the most chaotic year of your marriage, 2011 was still a doozy. But as usual, the two of you pulled through. The lesson of 2010 was that in order to heal, you must learn to endure the pain with patience, because things may get much worse before they get better. The bottom may have been a lot further down than you initially realized, but there was a bottom. And once you hit it, you found it was something to push off of, to stabilize you during your climb back up. It was a good lesson to have under your belt for 2011, with both of your continued health challenges.
First and foremost, were all of the surgeries. First the foot surgery, to remove the metal you had developed an allergy to. After what you endured after the foot surgery in 2010, this turned out to be a breeze, and you were back on your feet within a month. Then DH's brain surgery, both planned, yet scheduled abruptly, when his epilepsy and seizures took a turn for the worse. As scared as you were for your husband, and as concerned as you were about your finances, both survived. Not without a little too much angst on your part, crtclms. But the fact that you both had endured so much in 2010 made your bond and your faith in yourselves stronger.
The outcome of the brain surgery wasn't the miracle you had hoped for, but it did help with DH's seizures. He became much more responsive to anti-epileptics. He even got his driver's license back.
Then your right eye, the one that was practically blind, and which worsened considerably in 2010, was finally treated. You had been so frightened of the idea of eye surgery, or worse, of losing sight in that eye altogether, that you had totally ignored the problem from that day in October, 2009 that you were told your eye was beyond regular opthalmological care. Then suddenly, the scare in December of 2010, when your sight got abruptly worse. That was scary. And the fact is that it was an unusual and uncomfortable treatment. But the results were worth it: No more night-blindness, no more cars and street lamps throwing halos of light, rather than beams, no more holding books inches from your nose to read regular-sized print, no more hitting the apple key and + over and over again to make sites legible, if distorted.
And on top of that, you worked hard at pulling your financial picture together again, at the same time that you planned a somewhat extravagant 10th wedding anniversary. 10 years of physical disaster after physical disaster, 10 years of joy in and with each other. Years of penny-pinching as you got your marriage started, then years of largess. Followed by 2010, when you became two of millions of victims of the Great Recession.
But while 2010 proved your marriage, 2011 celebrated it. All your life, you had resisted being so reliant on one other person, fearing the idea of merging with them. You feared loss of identity. But in 2010, you realized the strength of two individuals, joined like a mortise and tenon at Stonehenge, create a simple but strong and durable bond, that is stronger than either person alone. The quotation from your wedding ceremony by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry seems to have proved an important tenet in your marriage:
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction."
While you lived your marriage day by day, you both were committed to keeping your marriage moving in concert with both of your future dreams.
In 2013, you finally made the big trip to Australia, so that DH could see the country you love so much. It was odd to have a sister living permanently abroad, and you will always feel a little sad that you never had the chance to live overseas. But you made different choices than your sister, and have a happy life.
That was for your 50th birthday, and now your 60th is much closer than I would like to admit. But if I could offer advice to the 47 year-old me/you, here are some of the tidbits I have to share, in my extreme decrepitude:
- Everything is going to be okay. Yes, the unknown is scary, and makes you anxious. Yes, the path may be difficult. But your failures have often been more rewarding than your successes.
- Stop feeling guilty for not living a life you are not suited for, even if it is what was expected of you. I can't believe this still bothers you, frankly. You know better, and have given this exact advice to dozens of friends. Now take it yourself.
- You still do not owe your mother any more of your life. Be polite. Accept that you will be devastated by her death, but will have a hard time feeling anything positive about her until then
- You are very much like your father. His life did not end happily. Learn from his example.
- Live in the now, stop trying to get a jump on the future. It isn't possible in the current space-time continuum.
- This is very hard, but try not to live in fear of your illnesses: Don't let fear of the next episode invade your periods of good health, and enjoy your wellness.
- Your psychiatrist has prescribed you Xanax because you need it. Now listen to his advice, and stop being afraid of it. It will improve your quality of life. Needing a medication is not the same thing as being addicted to it.
And of course, you took the time yearly to renew yourself at the Oregon Country Fair, with Nakedjen and friends.
You still miss Bess and Violet. You always will. Your current dog is as lovable as they come, but different. Sometimes you still cry from missing both of them.
Bess
Violet
DH and I are about to celebrate your 20th wedding anniversary. Congratulations to us all! May we share many more years.
Love,
57 year-old me
P.S. And after all these years, I still can't get the fonts to work properly on Blogger!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Dec. 18 Try: Cleaning House #reverb 10
Dec. 18 Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn't go for it? -Kaileen Elise
This is a mundane answer on one level, but a more serious one on another. I want to try to organize my house. This year, it was a real struggle for me, especially because I was off my feet for 4 months. Right before my foot surgery, I had had a hypo manic episode, and one of the characteristic behaviors of hypo mania is frenzied cleaning. This is not universal, but is so common as to be considered a warning sign to see your doctor. It is also a source of jokes among those of us who find cleaning very difficult, except for these outbursts.
I was never really taught how to clean. My mother had a cleaning lady for as long as I can remember, and she felt that teaching us housework was sexist. Of course what was sexist was that they weren't expecting boys to do housework, not that girls had to do it. But at any rate, it means the few cleaning skills I have are self-taught.
In addition, because bipolar illness causes brain damage to certain parts of the brain, I suffer cognitive defects in my Executive Function, which is sort of the overarching cognitive meta-structure that allows one to live an orderly and organized day to day life. I flat out can't do this. I also have bad impulse control. It is connected to damage done to the frontal lobe, Phineas Gage via neurotransmitters. Well okay, not as bad as Phineas Gage.
Anyway, I went into my foot surgery with the house cleaner than it had been in some time. Which meant it was clean, but crammed with "stuff." And things have deteriorated from that point.
So I have made a couple of decisions about how to approach this in the coming year: I am going to throw being Green to the winds for a little bit, and use all the "magic sponges" and "swiffers," and wasteful but convenient things: The easier the better. And then, we are going to invest in some storage. I am already measuring spaces for shelves and storage units. We are buying shoe racks, and hangers. We are going to make a real go of it this year. We kind of landed in this duplex in June of 2006, when DH lost his license due to a seizure: Where he was working at the time was a mile from this house. Now he actually commutes to an office two blocks away from where we lived before we landed here. But we never sat down and "organized" the place, the furniture is pretty much where we dumped it upon arrival. And while this is technically not the smallest place we have ever lived, the smaller place was designed to maximize use of space. And we owned less 11 years ago, of course.
So we have never really pulled this place together. We are always soooo proud of ourselves when we do even the tiniest amount of decorating. For instance, At Goodwill last week I found a matching trio of colorful but muted cushions that look great against our beige-y sectional. Oh yes, I am still "thrifting"; I am taking a break from the daily photographs of outfits while I work on this #reverb10 challenge.
Anyway, not my most riveting entry, but I needed to start catching up! Part of the reason I am behind is this has been a very challenging week, for all the reasons I have been discussing this month, and I now need to sleep. So this is a bit rough, sorry for any garbled sentences.
This is a mundane answer on one level, but a more serious one on another. I want to try to organize my house. This year, it was a real struggle for me, especially because I was off my feet for 4 months. Right before my foot surgery, I had had a hypo manic episode, and one of the characteristic behaviors of hypo mania is frenzied cleaning. This is not universal, but is so common as to be considered a warning sign to see your doctor. It is also a source of jokes among those of us who find cleaning very difficult, except for these outbursts.
I was never really taught how to clean. My mother had a cleaning lady for as long as I can remember, and she felt that teaching us housework was sexist. Of course what was sexist was that they weren't expecting boys to do housework, not that girls had to do it. But at any rate, it means the few cleaning skills I have are self-taught.
In addition, because bipolar illness causes brain damage to certain parts of the brain, I suffer cognitive defects in my Executive Function, which is sort of the overarching cognitive meta-structure that allows one to live an orderly and organized day to day life. I flat out can't do this. I also have bad impulse control. It is connected to damage done to the frontal lobe, Phineas Gage via neurotransmitters. Well okay, not as bad as Phineas Gage.
Anyway, I went into my foot surgery with the house cleaner than it had been in some time. Which meant it was clean, but crammed with "stuff." And things have deteriorated from that point.
So I have made a couple of decisions about how to approach this in the coming year: I am going to throw being Green to the winds for a little bit, and use all the "magic sponges" and "swiffers," and wasteful but convenient things: The easier the better. And then, we are going to invest in some storage. I am already measuring spaces for shelves and storage units. We are buying shoe racks, and hangers. We are going to make a real go of it this year. We kind of landed in this duplex in June of 2006, when DH lost his license due to a seizure: Where he was working at the time was a mile from this house. Now he actually commutes to an office two blocks away from where we lived before we landed here. But we never sat down and "organized" the place, the furniture is pretty much where we dumped it upon arrival. And while this is technically not the smallest place we have ever lived, the smaller place was designed to maximize use of space. And we owned less 11 years ago, of course.
So we have never really pulled this place together. We are always soooo proud of ourselves when we do even the tiniest amount of decorating. For instance, At Goodwill last week I found a matching trio of colorful but muted cushions that look great against our beige-y sectional. Oh yes, I am still "thrifting"; I am taking a break from the daily photographs of outfits while I work on this #reverb10 challenge.
Anyway, not my most riveting entry, but I needed to start catching up! Part of the reason I am behind is this has been a very challenging week, for all the reasons I have been discussing this month, and I now need to sleep. So this is a bit rough, sorry for any garbled sentences.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Headaches and Hippies, #reverb10
December 8, and 9 Prompts:
Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different- you'll find they're what make you beautiful. -Karen Walrand
Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, and shenanigans. -Shauna Reid
Sorry to have been MIA. The reason for my absence is essentially what makes me different: I have been a chronic migraineur since I was 13. This has really thrown some huge curve-balls at me during my life, but I rarely am able to increase my slugging percentage.
The last two days I had a full blown migraine, with aura, photo phobia, vomiting, osmophobia, dizziness, and agonizing pain. Having suffered from such a bad headache, ending only a few hours ago, it is hard for me to find anything positive and beautiful in my experiences. In fact, they have been depressing and isolating. One of the quandaries of migraine (or in this case, migraine co morbid with bipolar disorder), is that it is a chronic, painful, but invisible and non-lethal. People think that I exaggerate how often and how severely I suffer from headaches.
Unhappy things that having 2-30 migraines a month for the last 34 years has taught me:
*Life isn't fair
*Pain is incapacitating, yet invisible, putting your claim of genuine disability into question.
*People are very willing to tell you what you are doing wrong when they have no idea what you are going through
But there are useful things I have learned as a result of my condition, too:
*Living a "conventional" 9-5 life life is not the only way to lead a happy life.
*Joy can be found in things as simple as an absence of pain
*Life isn't as linear as the average high school counselor would like you to believe.
In addition, using medical Cannabis to treat pain has exposed me to a new activist community, and a new cause for my lifelong civil rights activism
Overall, being a migraineur has had positive impact on my world view and approach to my life. I am intimately acquainted with the pit falls of having an invisible disability, and have used that knowledge in my activism, especially for IV drug users, and HIV patients. I have developed a hobby interest in neurobiology. DH's seizures provide more fodder for that interest, and the fact that my dad was a widely read psycho-pharmacologist, who did research in neuropsychiatry meant that I was taught about how our brains work by a world-renowned clinical scientist.
The amount of pain I experience for no valid reason, with no end in sight, makes me very empathetic to people who are struggling with their health, regardless of what condition they suffer, or what caused it. I have more insight into chronic illness than the average person, and unfortunately, learned about it at a much younger age than the average person who will develop a chronic disorder. This understanding of the bone-sucking weariness that chronic illness creates in its victims is what lead to my extensive HIV prevention activism, and support of people with HIV. Migraines are not fatal, but I can easily relate to those who feel poorly more often than feeling well.
Another thing I have learned is nothing is more important than keeping myself healthy. The rest of my life will go careening off the rails if I am not careful enough about looking after myself. I have the deeply held belief that if I had not come from a well-off family, and then met DH, who loves me with all my failings and lack of earning power, I would be homeless. So I tend to keep change in my pocket for the mentally ill and homeless people in the City.
One unusual fact about myself is my ability to interact with anyone, from the crack addict sitting on the stoop of my apartment building, to the members of the royal families I went to college with. When I lived in the San Francisco Tenderloin, which is a red light district, I had first name basis relationships with a lot of the homeless people that lived in the UN Plaza.
Being incapacitated by illness most of my adult life taught me the very important fact that life is a crap shoot, shit happen, and to remember other people in my world may also be ducking invisible curve balls.
****
Now I almost skipped the next prompt, because it is becoming a bit repetitive to say that the Oregon Country Fair was the social highlight of my year. But it was a very bad year, with a few peaks, and the OCF was my major excitement for 2010, but for a two day driving trip with DH in August. Those of you who are here for the first time, my December 3rd prompt: Moment blog post was about happenings at the Fair.
I basically describe the Fair to people who want to know as a convergence of dirty hippies, faeries, rainbow people, burning man aficionados, and the like, creating a Counter Culture space-time singularity each July. Music Bands from the well known, to the virtually anonymous play on various stages throughout the weekend, so there is music coming from one or many directions at any time. There is a non-stop drum circle, which was joined briefly by Bob Weir last summer (I realize now by looking at the Wikipedia picture that I actually saw him: I hadn't aged him in my mind since 1990, so I was looking for a much younger man). Puppet shows, acrobats, magic, mehndi booths, hair braiding booths, face painting, ice cream, and children with dread locks. All sorts of delicious food, caters to everyone from the omnivore to the vegan. Even though I fall into the first category, my favorite food item at the Fair is vegan, Blazing Salad's Avocado Dream Boats. I already know what I am having for breakfast on July 8, 2011. I wish I could tell you what is in it, so far I have figured out avocado, hummus, garlic, and hot sauce.
I discovered if you mash those ingredients together, you will have a filling, yummy sandwich spread. Eat it the day you make it, avocados don't keep!
And I haven't even talked about all the cool items sold there. There are great artisans and artists selling a variety of wares.
But there is far more to the fair than what I can list in one post. As I have said, the ambiance is a large percentage of what makes the fair great. Some concrete examples (if you will) of created ambiance: Parades with brass instruments and costumed marchers; the big juggling pavilion in Chela Mela; the singing around the sauna at the Ritz; the Women's lodge in the Community Village, an homage to estrogen; speeches on topics controversial and not; women rolling out rugs and dancing like dervishes to their favorite music, or the drumming circles' rhythms.
I hate to end this post this way, it seems unfinished. But I am hoping to get my Dec 10 prompt done before I go to bed tonight, so I am going to leave this topic for now.
Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different- you'll find they're what make you beautiful. -Karen Walrand
Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, and shenanigans. -Shauna Reid
Sorry to have been MIA. The reason for my absence is essentially what makes me different: I have been a chronic migraineur since I was 13. This has really thrown some huge curve-balls at me during my life, but I rarely am able to increase my slugging percentage.
The last two days I had a full blown migraine, with aura, photo phobia, vomiting, osmophobia, dizziness, and agonizing pain. Having suffered from such a bad headache, ending only a few hours ago, it is hard for me to find anything positive and beautiful in my experiences. In fact, they have been depressing and isolating. One of the quandaries of migraine (or in this case, migraine co morbid with bipolar disorder), is that it is a chronic, painful, but invisible and non-lethal. People think that I exaggerate how often and how severely I suffer from headaches.
Unhappy things that having 2-30 migraines a month for the last 34 years has taught me:
*Life isn't fair
*Pain is incapacitating, yet invisible, putting your claim of genuine disability into question.
*People are very willing to tell you what you are doing wrong when they have no idea what you are going through
But there are useful things I have learned as a result of my condition, too:
*Living a "conventional" 9-5 life life is not the only way to lead a happy life.
*Joy can be found in things as simple as an absence of pain
*Life isn't as linear as the average high school counselor would like you to believe.
In addition, using medical Cannabis to treat pain has exposed me to a new activist community, and a new cause for my lifelong civil rights activism
Overall, being a migraineur has had positive impact on my world view and approach to my life. I am intimately acquainted with the pit falls of having an invisible disability, and have used that knowledge in my activism, especially for IV drug users, and HIV patients. I have developed a hobby interest in neurobiology. DH's seizures provide more fodder for that interest, and the fact that my dad was a widely read psycho-pharmacologist, who did research in neuropsychiatry meant that I was taught about how our brains work by a world-renowned clinical scientist.
The amount of pain I experience for no valid reason, with no end in sight, makes me very empathetic to people who are struggling with their health, regardless of what condition they suffer, or what caused it. I have more insight into chronic illness than the average person, and unfortunately, learned about it at a much younger age than the average person who will develop a chronic disorder. This understanding of the bone-sucking weariness that chronic illness creates in its victims is what lead to my extensive HIV prevention activism, and support of people with HIV. Migraines are not fatal, but I can easily relate to those who feel poorly more often than feeling well.
Another thing I have learned is nothing is more important than keeping myself healthy. The rest of my life will go careening off the rails if I am not careful enough about looking after myself. I have the deeply held belief that if I had not come from a well-off family, and then met DH, who loves me with all my failings and lack of earning power, I would be homeless. So I tend to keep change in my pocket for the mentally ill and homeless people in the City.
One unusual fact about myself is my ability to interact with anyone, from the crack addict sitting on the stoop of my apartment building, to the members of the royal families I went to college with. When I lived in the San Francisco Tenderloin, which is a red light district, I had first name basis relationships with a lot of the homeless people that lived in the UN Plaza.
Being incapacitated by illness most of my adult life taught me the very important fact that life is a crap shoot, shit happen, and to remember other people in my world may also be ducking invisible curve balls.
****
Now I almost skipped the next prompt, because it is becoming a bit repetitive to say that the Oregon Country Fair was the social highlight of my year. But it was a very bad year, with a few peaks, and the OCF was my major excitement for 2010, but for a two day driving trip with DH in August. Those of you who are here for the first time, my December 3rd prompt: Moment blog post was about happenings at the Fair.
I basically describe the Fair to people who want to know as a convergence of dirty hippies, faeries, rainbow people, burning man aficionados, and the like, creating a Counter Culture space-time singularity each July. Music Bands from the well known, to the virtually anonymous play on various stages throughout the weekend, so there is music coming from one or many directions at any time. There is a non-stop drum circle, which was joined briefly by Bob Weir last summer (I realize now by looking at the Wikipedia picture that I actually saw him: I hadn't aged him in my mind since 1990, so I was looking for a much younger man). Puppet shows, acrobats, magic, mehndi booths, hair braiding booths, face painting, ice cream, and children with dread locks. All sorts of delicious food, caters to everyone from the omnivore to the vegan. Even though I fall into the first category, my favorite food item at the Fair is vegan, Blazing Salad's Avocado Dream Boats. I already know what I am having for breakfast on July 8, 2011. I wish I could tell you what is in it, so far I have figured out avocado, hummus, garlic, and hot sauce.
I discovered if you mash those ingredients together, you will have a filling, yummy sandwich spread. Eat it the day you make it, avocados don't keep!
And I haven't even talked about all the cool items sold there. There are great artisans and artists selling a variety of wares.
But there is far more to the fair than what I can list in one post. As I have said, the ambiance is a large percentage of what makes the fair great. Some concrete examples (if you will) of created ambiance: Parades with brass instruments and costumed marchers; the big juggling pavilion in Chela Mela; the singing around the sauna at the Ritz; the Women's lodge in the Community Village, an homage to estrogen; speeches on topics controversial and not; women rolling out rugs and dancing like dervishes to their favorite music, or the drumming circles' rhythms.
I hate to end this post this way, it seems unfinished. But I am hoping to get my Dec 10 prompt done before I go to bed tonight, so I am going to leave this topic for now.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Community: Mentally Interesting #reverb10
Prompt #7 Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? -Cali Harris
Even I am getting tired of hearing myself say that 2010 was a difficult year for me. Unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact that it was.
Along with my DH's unemployment, and my long term immobilization by surgery, I started to have mood swings, and was frankly mildly depressed through the part of the of the year when I was most immobile.
And like some other people with bipolar, with the changes in the season and the changes of light, come more mood swings. In the spring, I become hypomanic. In the summer, I tend to have a mixed episode. Then hypomania returns sometime around Xmas (yes, I'm keeping an eye on it, but it can still creep up on you). Solstices, in particular, do not tend to be happy times for me.
I began to worry that discussing every troubling thought that crossed my mind with my DH was not healthy for either our marriage or us. But even if I wanted to go to therapy, which I did not, I was trapped in the house by my foot. I needed someone who could listen to some of my more crazy thoughts without freaking out.
So I turned to an online bulletin board on which I had lurked now and then, CrazyBoards.org. (CB) For the first time, I stopped lurking, and began to venture forth into the discussions, commenting, comparing, sharing my experience. There are people with all types of illness, and all levels of suffering. People living with anything from ADHD to psychoses (although I don't want to imply there is a hierarchy of mental illnesses). I have mentioned I am bipolar, and have migraine. My official diagnosis is Bipolar NOS, which is when the illness doesn't quite fit into either the Bipolar I or II compartments.
One of the great things about CB is that we don't have to play nice. It is accepted that sometimes people are crazy, and other times, someone might need a stern talking to, to get help. People don't hesitate to say what they think, however unpleasant. The oft repeated mantra is "we don't have to walk on eggshells here." That is in contrast to most of the other mental illness support boards. Those boards will ban people for confrontation or being negative. The average board for the mentally ill is a much more strictly moderated, polite, non-confrontational, warm and fuzzy place.
One of the first rules of CB's user agreement stipulates, "You won't find that your every post is responded to with feigned warm fuzziness and cyberhugs. Frankly, we think cyberhugs suck." Definitely the place for a mentally-ill cynic, who has dealt with too much shit in her life.
For that reason the CB boards are considerably more real, helpful, genuine, and brutal than the average milquetoast site. To be honest, it is a fascinating place. The population is generally very bright, and the more idiotic people tend to get run off rather quickly. The focus is on mental illness, and the forums are divided and sub-divided into conditions, or medications, but threads can and do take sharp detours. We discuss our relationships. We discuss our hobbies. We fight, we form cliques. And we confide and admit to each other our hallucinations and delusions.
My favorite feature of Crazyboards.org is the community blog. One of the really bad, crazy things I do when I am hypo-manic, manic, or having a mixed-episode, is I post information that is very revealing about myself, but also about other people interacting with me during these frenzies. I embarrass some people, and piss other people off to the point they break off friendships. Sadly, this is often to my benefit, even when I handled the situations anywhere from poorly to thoughtlessly. But until accidentally freeing myself from some of my relationships, I never realized how much I had been tamping down my personality, not to mention opinions, around people I considered friends. It is only in retrospect that I see that those friendships were already fraying at the edges, and the biggest red flag should have been that I no longer felt like I could be myself around them.
CBs provides a safe place to blog. One can control who can and cannot see with much more precision that one can on Blogger. I feel like if I am indiscreet there, it is a little safer. It is definitely a form of self-therapy.
Next year, I hope to dip my toes into the Medical Marijuana activist community. I know from prior activism that that is going to mean inserting myself into the community of activists working on that problem. My fellow dirty hippies. 2011 is definitely the year of Cannabis.
Even I am getting tired of hearing myself say that 2010 was a difficult year for me. Unfortunately, that doesn't change the fact that it was.
Along with my DH's unemployment, and my long term immobilization by surgery, I started to have mood swings, and was frankly mildly depressed through the part of the of the year when I was most immobile.
And like some other people with bipolar, with the changes in the season and the changes of light, come more mood swings. In the spring, I become hypomanic. In the summer, I tend to have a mixed episode. Then hypomania returns sometime around Xmas (yes, I'm keeping an eye on it, but it can still creep up on you). Solstices, in particular, do not tend to be happy times for me.
I began to worry that discussing every troubling thought that crossed my mind with my DH was not healthy for either our marriage or us. But even if I wanted to go to therapy, which I did not, I was trapped in the house by my foot. I needed someone who could listen to some of my more crazy thoughts without freaking out.
So I turned to an online bulletin board on which I had lurked now and then, CrazyBoards.org. (CB) For the first time, I stopped lurking, and began to venture forth into the discussions, commenting, comparing, sharing my experience. There are people with all types of illness, and all levels of suffering. People living with anything from ADHD to psychoses (although I don't want to imply there is a hierarchy of mental illnesses). I have mentioned I am bipolar, and have migraine. My official diagnosis is Bipolar NOS, which is when the illness doesn't quite fit into either the Bipolar I or II compartments.
One of the great things about CB is that we don't have to play nice. It is accepted that sometimes people are crazy, and other times, someone might need a stern talking to, to get help. People don't hesitate to say what they think, however unpleasant. The oft repeated mantra is "we don't have to walk on eggshells here." That is in contrast to most of the other mental illness support boards. Those boards will ban people for confrontation or being negative. The average board for the mentally ill is a much more strictly moderated, polite, non-confrontational, warm and fuzzy place.
One of the first rules of CB's user agreement stipulates, "You won't find that your every post is responded to with feigned warm fuzziness and cyberhugs. Frankly, we think cyberhugs suck." Definitely the place for a mentally-ill cynic, who has dealt with too much shit in her life.
For that reason the CB boards are considerably more real, helpful, genuine, and brutal than the average milquetoast site. To be honest, it is a fascinating place. The population is generally very bright, and the more idiotic people tend to get run off rather quickly. The focus is on mental illness, and the forums are divided and sub-divided into conditions, or medications, but threads can and do take sharp detours. We discuss our relationships. We discuss our hobbies. We fight, we form cliques. And we confide and admit to each other our hallucinations and delusions.
My favorite feature of Crazyboards.org is the community blog. One of the really bad, crazy things I do when I am hypo-manic, manic, or having a mixed-episode, is I post information that is very revealing about myself, but also about other people interacting with me during these frenzies. I embarrass some people, and piss other people off to the point they break off friendships. Sadly, this is often to my benefit, even when I handled the situations anywhere from poorly to thoughtlessly. But until accidentally freeing myself from some of my relationships, I never realized how much I had been tamping down my personality, not to mention opinions, around people I considered friends. It is only in retrospect that I see that those friendships were already fraying at the edges, and the biggest red flag should have been that I no longer felt like I could be myself around them.
CBs provides a safe place to blog. One can control who can and cannot see with much more precision that one can on Blogger. I feel like if I am indiscreet there, it is a little safer. It is definitely a form of self-therapy.
Next year, I hope to dip my toes into the Medical Marijuana activist community. I know from prior activism that that is going to mean inserting myself into the community of activists working on that problem. My fellow dirty hippies. 2011 is definitely the year of Cannabis.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
GAH! My Blog is SICK on December 1st!
I am participating in the #reverb10 challenge, a blog challenge that uses each day of December to recollect a different aspect of 2010, based on a suggestion by #reverb10. I wrote one for December 1st. But my blog won't accept it. Apparently, I am going to have to type it over from scratch, and post it without links. Argh. So hopefully, two posts tomorrow. But for the record, my word that encapsulates 2010 is "Fraught." The word I hope describes 2011 is "Healing."
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Momentum
One thing I have found about blogging is the longer you go without making an entry, the harder it is to start back up. So I am just going to catch everyone up in a short post, just to get myself moving again. No pictures today.
I do have a few random outfits and purchases to post. But it is by no means a daily record.
We have been having a really tough time. I have been having a lot of headaches, and DH has been having many seizures. This weekend, he battered his face against either the bed or the bureau, I couldn't see. But he has a big cut on his forehead, right above his still healing black eye.
Surgery has been post-poned, again. I still assume it will happen before next fall.
I am thinking of trying Cymbalta for my migraines if there is not a marked improvement in frequency or severity before my January appointment. It is an anti-depressant, an SSRI, but it is used off label in tiny quantities for migraine. My p-doc doesn't think it will be enough to interfere with my other meds, and that it will be okay if we go ahead with it. I had an SSRI induced manic episode when I was on Prozac, so I was a little worried. But he said the amounts were so miniscule that they wouldn't have any anti-depressant effect. That is one odd thing about psychiatric and neurological meds: Depending on your illness, you may take wildly different dosages. For instance, both DH and I are on lamotrigine (generic Lamictal). I take it for bipolar illness, and take 225mg daily. DH takes over three times the dose I do, since he uses it for Epilepsy.
Anyway, I have been using the propranolol for 6 months as of the 29th of November. This is kind of my last gasp with it. It is odd, because I swear it helped with my headaches when I was 20; I had to quit it abruptly because of side effects. But this go round, I was able to tolerate the side effects (it is 26 years later, bodies change), but it isn't working.
Oh, and our new insurance has deadly co-pays: $10 for generics, $60 for brand name! And we both take meds that are brand name: One of DH's is so new there is no generic, and I only respond to the name brand of a migraine treatment. Even though the molecules of medication are identical between generic and name brand, sometimes there is something in the binders that blocks absorption for certain people. For most of my meds, I can use the generic, but for Sumatriptan, a rescue drug, I have to use the name brand, Imitrex. I receive it in two different formats, a pill, and a subcutaneous injection. That is $120 copay for one month of migraine rescue medication.
There is nothing wrong with the healthcare system. It is double plus good.
You may have noticed my mood issues have receded into that background for the moment, while my migraines have come to the forefront. This is how it is with the combination of migraine and bipolar illness, one condition or the other always seems to be flaring. My focus flips back and forth between the two syndromes.
I am mailing Sister2's birthday present Tuesday. Hooray. I also plan to make a trip with Violet to explore a new independently owned "boutique" pet shop, Biscuits. I meant to go see it on Saturday, which was an official day set aside to patronize small local businesses, but I was busy being sick.
I have actually purchased a couple of holiday purchases. Also I am very excited about a gift my sister got for my DH for his 40th birthday, which is this week! Eek, I have to arrange for a cake! I have no idea what to get him, and I think he would like some input: It is a special birthday, and we were in France for my 40th (he went on business, but we stretched it out into a vacation). I had hoped we would go on a great trip for his 40th, but I guess our next big trip will be for my 50th birthday. That will be Australia, if I have any say. We also had hoped to go to Hawaii for our 5th, and I needed knee surgery. So we then retrenched, and were going to go for our 10th anniversary. That was before we went through our entire savings during DH's year of unemployment.
We are still going to have an amazing 10th anniversary: We are returning to the B&B at which we honeymooned, a very luxurious and fun place.
So, not the most interesting post. But I know from past experience it is important to keep up one's posting momentum when one blogs.
I do have a few random outfits and purchases to post. But it is by no means a daily record.
We have been having a really tough time. I have been having a lot of headaches, and DH has been having many seizures. This weekend, he battered his face against either the bed or the bureau, I couldn't see. But he has a big cut on his forehead, right above his still healing black eye.
Surgery has been post-poned, again. I still assume it will happen before next fall.
I am thinking of trying Cymbalta for my migraines if there is not a marked improvement in frequency or severity before my January appointment. It is an anti-depressant, an SSRI, but it is used off label in tiny quantities for migraine. My p-doc doesn't think it will be enough to interfere with my other meds, and that it will be okay if we go ahead with it. I had an SSRI induced manic episode when I was on Prozac, so I was a little worried. But he said the amounts were so miniscule that they wouldn't have any anti-depressant effect. That is one odd thing about psychiatric and neurological meds: Depending on your illness, you may take wildly different dosages. For instance, both DH and I are on lamotrigine (generic Lamictal). I take it for bipolar illness, and take 225mg daily. DH takes over three times the dose I do, since he uses it for Epilepsy.
Anyway, I have been using the propranolol for 6 months as of the 29th of November. This is kind of my last gasp with it. It is odd, because I swear it helped with my headaches when I was 20; I had to quit it abruptly because of side effects. But this go round, I was able to tolerate the side effects (it is 26 years later, bodies change), but it isn't working.
Oh, and our new insurance has deadly co-pays: $10 for generics, $60 for brand name! And we both take meds that are brand name: One of DH's is so new there is no generic, and I only respond to the name brand of a migraine treatment. Even though the molecules of medication are identical between generic and name brand, sometimes there is something in the binders that blocks absorption for certain people. For most of my meds, I can use the generic, but for Sumatriptan, a rescue drug, I have to use the name brand, Imitrex. I receive it in two different formats, a pill, and a subcutaneous injection. That is $120 copay for one month of migraine rescue medication.
There is nothing wrong with the healthcare system. It is double plus good.
You may have noticed my mood issues have receded into that background for the moment, while my migraines have come to the forefront. This is how it is with the combination of migraine and bipolar illness, one condition or the other always seems to be flaring. My focus flips back and forth between the two syndromes.
I am mailing Sister2's birthday present Tuesday. Hooray. I also plan to make a trip with Violet to explore a new independently owned "boutique" pet shop, Biscuits. I meant to go see it on Saturday, which was an official day set aside to patronize small local businesses, but I was busy being sick.
I have actually purchased a couple of holiday purchases. Also I am very excited about a gift my sister got for my DH for his 40th birthday, which is this week! Eek, I have to arrange for a cake! I have no idea what to get him, and I think he would like some input: It is a special birthday, and we were in France for my 40th (he went on business, but we stretched it out into a vacation). I had hoped we would go on a great trip for his 40th, but I guess our next big trip will be for my 50th birthday. That will be Australia, if I have any say. We also had hoped to go to Hawaii for our 5th, and I needed knee surgery. So we then retrenched, and were going to go for our 10th anniversary. That was before we went through our entire savings during DH's year of unemployment.
We are still going to have an amazing 10th anniversary: We are returning to the B&B at which we honeymooned, a very luxurious and fun place.
So, not the most interesting post. But I know from past experience it is important to keep up one's posting momentum when one blogs.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Making Hash
First of all, I have no real "i" key, I have to press really hard on wear the key *should* be to get it to type. So sorry if there are some "i"s out of place.
Plus, November is admittedly going to be erratic in terms of the "What I Wore" clothing diary portion, even though the Goodwill purchases' posts are the loose framework around which the blog is more or less constructed. November is hell month for me. I just got through a couple of days without a severe migraine, and it has been such bliss. But the fact that I expect one tomorrow as a consequence/punishment is because I just get too many damn migraines. I cannot plan what I am doing later today, let alone next week.. It happens every November. I had to cancel my Cannabis Cooking class at the last minute because of a migraine, which makes me really sad plus I think I have lost that entire tuition. I should have known better than to schedule anything in November. I am spending a lot of days in tank tops, sweat shirts, and pajama bottoms. Which as you have seen, I'd photograph, but these headaches have just sucked so hard.
Anyway, we are still scheduled to go to "Graduation" in December. Fun!
Sooo, we have been really experimenting with hash the last couple of months. We have been purchasing it from SBAC. The stuff they sell is exponentially better has than Greeway's, I have to say, as much as I adore Greeneway, as well as making our own type of hash from duff. "Duff" is the left-over vaporized plant material, which has some, but not nearly all of the cannabinoids removed from it via vaporizing. We use a relatively inexpensive vaporizer, which we got from Vapor Brothers:
I am actually kind of psyched to make our next batch of hash from duff, since I learned a whole bunch at Oaksterdam that should make our next batch better, stronger, and easier to handle and use. I know to use Everclear, and how to heat and press it properly. The stuff we have made has been pretty goopy, and burns up too fast.
But hash strains have become more routine for me to incorporate into my routine. Because you are not supposed to use a direct flame on hash, I had been improvising with paraphernalia; in particular, heating the underside of the glass bowls on the sliders on our bongs. Please Note: The glass of sliders does not take kindly to direct flame for long periods of time. One broke one day, the other the next. Oh, and then since I went to the head shop to buy a couple of replacements, I broke a brand new slider through sheer clumsiness. I am very happy with my hash pipe, and feel like it really is strong.
We found out there is a head shop, Smoke Stuff, on Yelp, about 3 miles from here. Since we broke two water pipe slides within 24 hours, plus I was curious about getting a hash pipe, I decided to head over there. Usually head shop employees are so sullen, and this guy was cheerful and friendly. He sure was enthusiastic about his products. Heh. The store was so clean, and the guy was very nice. He helped me pick out my hash pipe. We will be using that shop in the immediate future. due to my amazing slide smashing skills.
Anyway, you get a lot of bang for your buck with hash. I also bought these tiny rolled balls of keif, I cannot remember what they are called, and the way they package it meant I had to tear the label off in order to open it. But sprinkling a bit on what you are using gives it an added kick.
I am really liking Purple Dragon hash right now. Also, bud from "Humboldt Hash Plant," another good pain killer. We are still hanging on to some Burgundy Goo, for my next killer migraine (counting down in 3, 2, 1...). Hash is good at prophylaxis, and for early onset of headaches, but once they are fully established, they probably make it worse. Although it helps vomiting no matter how severe or well established.
I then also made good old fashioned potato, meat, and onion hash, this time with cubed leftover tri-tip, chopped sweet onion, cubed yukon and russet potatoes, a bit of oil, and about a third cup of beef broth. Eggs sunny side over easy. Fat city, but so good. I hadn't made a good hash in years, and it is really something I could eat almost daily, if my heart didn't scream in agony. Kidding. I have "spectacular lipid levels," so says my neurologist. I also particularly love Corned Beef hash, but have never had the balls to make it, since bad corned beef is *so very bad.*
So at this point in the blog entry, I almost feel a little bit like saying, "Okay, let's get this next part over with." But I obviously enjoy it, so what the hell. Yes, I've been to Goodwill this week. Twice. I have pictures to prove it. In fact, Thursday I drove around for a while trying to find the Salvation Army that I had done so well at last time, before throwing up my hands, and going back to one of the bigger Goodwills instead (the one on Meridian).
I actually only have "outfit" pictures from Wednesday, when oddly, I wore two outfits. That is because it was quite chilly in the AM, and warmer in the PM, and I also was dressed to go "thrifting" as I am now learning it is called. That sounds so much more socially significant than compulsive shopper, don't you think?
So the AM outfit was to take DH to the bullet train, so he wouldn't have to take the bus in the cold. I went from there to Safeway, and did quite a large shopping trip. I bought a lot of "quick" meals, for reasons I will relate below. I also bought a lot of things we were running out of, but I am really pissed because I forgot the McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal. I actually am zipping through cans of that now that I have learned to soak the oats overnight. I still am eating them four or five times a week, and not tiring of it. Thursday I cut up some strawberries, a tablespoon of sugar, and some milk for my last serving, and it was out of this world. But that was the end of my supply.
This is what I wore for the drive to the train station, and grocery shopping:
Black cotton cable-knit sweater tunic (bit long on me, but I am short, and have an enormous chest), and a pair of boot cut jeans. I own one pair of carpenter pants, but all my other jeans are boot cut, just like them better. They are a very dark blue wash, so look black in this picture. It doesn't help that I am wearing my black "motorcycle" boots. Double semi-precious beaded necklace from It's a Girl Thing.
Anyway, while I was at Safeway, I decided I was getting grossed out by the house again. This is quite a feat, I am exceedingly hard to gross out. I bought all kinds of cleaning products for people who don't know how to scrub, plus some Drano to fix our bathroom sink, which was taking about 5 minutes to empty. I am kind of in cleaning mode, but it is really one item at a time, it isn't a frenzy. I did fix the sink drain, so yay me!
I also got potatoes for beef hash, which I planned to make from leftovers from the tri-tip we had. Oh, yeah, we had a marinated tri-tip roast with roasted potatoes on Sunday. DH was so happy to eat meat, even though he doesn't generally complain. I also got a couple of nicely sized russets for baked potatoes sometime this week. Hmm, need to check our sour cream, and see how it is holding up. Anyway, we rarely have big hunks of meat like that anymore, and DH was a very satisfied diner on Sunday night. Yesterday, I completely cheated and got a Safeway refrigerated meal, which I just had to heat up: rigatoni and bolognese. If you put tomato sauce on food, DH will likely be happy to eat it. Also those strawberries I mentioned strawberries and avocados (I eat about three a week). Plus, we have chicken and potato wedges. Man, heavy on the potatoes this week.
And a lot of candy.
I went home, put away groceries, and fed Violet. I only meant to surf the net for a bit, but I was kind of still feeling my oats because I haven't been having nearly the problems with my head that I was last week. I have been beyond relaxing the last few days, just luxuriating in the relative lack of pain. I haven't been migraine free, but I have been keeping them under control with the aid of both Big Pharma, and Cannabis. Then I remembered we had broken the slides, So I headed out to Smoke Stuff.
After that, it was still before noon, and I decided to do some "thrifting." I wanted to go back to the Salvation Army. But I got totally lost trying to find the Salvation Army I went to last time when I used Smoke Stuff as my starting point. When I came back home, and looked at a map, I realized I had merely been on the wrong side of the street. Gah. I had thought about trying to get there again today, but my head and ache-y legs have pretty much nixed that idea. Or, I could go to the Salvation Army just a couple of miles from here. People were a little ruthless at the Salvation Army, and shopped out of my cart once before I was aware of it: I have had that happen to me once or twice in Goodwills since then as well, so I guard my basket.
So, Wednesday afternoon, San Jose Goodwill, on Meridian. Fortunately, one of their biggest locations, because the whole reason I wanted to go to the Salvation Army is because it's HUGE. I actually am kind of amazed that I am able to keep straight in my head what I bought on Wednesday, and what I bought on Monday, but I can. I have to take a few more pictures, of the stuff from Monday. I know these aren't the greatest pictures, but it is hard to display this sort of thing without a manikin,
Anyway, I have learned to dress with a tank top under my clothes, so I don't have to compete for dressing rooms as much (there are mirrors here and there around the stores). I wore the same jean and boots, but a pink tank top, and a fasten-less cardigan in a synthetic knit of some kind, with a empire waist (one of my Monday Santa Clara Goodwill finds). Cardigans are easy to slip off and on, so I don't freeze between trying on clothes. I also wore my new-ish flower/pouf black headband, since I know my hair gets in my eyes pulling things off and on, and it is a quick fix. In both Wednesday's pictures, I am wearing a brown braided leather belt I also bought at the Santa Clara Goodwill on Monday.
I got a small black leather hobo purse, Wilson's. I already have the big black Wilson's satchel. The handle is asymmetrical, and has two metal links on one side.
A purple and violet pin-striped oxford blouse:
This was a cute find: A blue wool knit top with cable, an empire waist, and that nice collar.
This is a light wool short-sleeved lavender top, with an scoop, and embellished keyhole neck.
Here's the embellishment:
I am not bothering to include pictures of the plain black top, and the camel-colored top with the collar with the rather restrained embellishments.
So from Monday in Santa Clara, you have seen the Black empire-waist button-less cardigan thing-y, and I am guessing you can visualize a standard brown leather braided belt. Here is a mis-sized fabric brown and pink purse, the top stripe is pale pink, compared to the flowers:
It looks brand new, and I combine pink and brown a lot. Plus, a little black lace slip skirt:
Here is a detail of the lace:
I have reached this weird place with my wardrobe. First of all, I am being pretty ruthless at discarding things I don't wear, and stuff that looks ghastly in the pictures on this blog. That doesn't mean I won't wear something over-sized, like that tunic sweater (I'm calling it a tunic because it has side slits), but to be honest, I like how that looks, even if it isn't the latest fashion. So I have enough clothes, yet because of my weeding out and organizing what I have, I know really specifically where I have holes in my wardrobe. For instance, I do have one or two navy things. But I could really use navy shoes, and a purse. A pair of navy slacks wouldn't hurt either. I don't need them, but I know that I can certainly use them. This is allowing me to be both incredibly picky, and a little more outre in my choices, because I try on things that I think, "What the hell, I like it, maybe it will work on me." And about 15% of the time, I find something good, so since there is a lot of stuff to try on, I almost always walk away with a find.
So back to less frivolous and material things: I woke up today (Friday) morning with a slight headache. So a several day break, more than I had really hoped for. But it is back, I can feel it creeping around my skull. UGH. I have to say last week's Migrane-o-rama really took the wind out of my sails, both in the sense I can still tell am still recovering days later, and also in the sense that it seems to have put a hitch in my mood, I no longer feel like I am being sent by slingshot to every destination.
Okay, this post is just getting ridiculous, I can't even proof read it it is so long. Tomorrow, I want to talk about the riveting subject of home decor. Har.
Plus, November is admittedly going to be erratic in terms of the "What I Wore" clothing diary portion, even though the Goodwill purchases' posts are the loose framework around which the blog is more or less constructed. November is hell month for me. I just got through a couple of days without a severe migraine, and it has been such bliss. But the fact that I expect one tomorrow as a consequence/punishment is because I just get too many damn migraines. I cannot plan what I am doing later today, let alone next week.. It happens every November. I had to cancel my Cannabis Cooking class at the last minute because of a migraine, which makes me really sad plus I think I have lost that entire tuition. I should have known better than to schedule anything in November. I am spending a lot of days in tank tops, sweat shirts, and pajama bottoms. Which as you have seen, I'd photograph, but these headaches have just sucked so hard.
Anyway, we are still scheduled to go to "Graduation" in December. Fun!
Sooo, we have been really experimenting with hash the last couple of months. We have been purchasing it from SBAC. The stuff they sell is exponentially better has than Greeway's, I have to say, as much as I adore Greeneway, as well as making our own type of hash from duff. "Duff" is the left-over vaporized plant material, which has some, but not nearly all of the cannabinoids removed from it via vaporizing. We use a relatively inexpensive vaporizer, which we got from Vapor Brothers:
I am actually kind of psyched to make our next batch of hash from duff, since I learned a whole bunch at Oaksterdam that should make our next batch better, stronger, and easier to handle and use. I know to use Everclear, and how to heat and press it properly. The stuff we have made has been pretty goopy, and burns up too fast.
But hash strains have become more routine for me to incorporate into my routine. Because you are not supposed to use a direct flame on hash, I had been improvising with paraphernalia; in particular, heating the underside of the glass bowls on the sliders on our bongs. Please Note: The glass of sliders does not take kindly to direct flame for long periods of time. One broke one day, the other the next. Oh, and then since I went to the head shop to buy a couple of replacements, I broke a brand new slider through sheer clumsiness. I am very happy with my hash pipe, and feel like it really is strong.
We found out there is a head shop, Smoke Stuff, on Yelp, about 3 miles from here. Since we broke two water pipe slides within 24 hours, plus I was curious about getting a hash pipe, I decided to head over there. Usually head shop employees are so sullen, and this guy was cheerful and friendly. He sure was enthusiastic about his products. Heh. The store was so clean, and the guy was very nice. He helped me pick out my hash pipe. We will be using that shop in the immediate future. due to my amazing slide smashing skills.
Anyway, you get a lot of bang for your buck with hash. I also bought these tiny rolled balls of keif, I cannot remember what they are called, and the way they package it meant I had to tear the label off in order to open it. But sprinkling a bit on what you are using gives it an added kick.
I am really liking Purple Dragon hash right now. Also, bud from "Humboldt Hash Plant," another good pain killer. We are still hanging on to some Burgundy Goo, for my next killer migraine (counting down in 3, 2, 1...). Hash is good at prophylaxis, and for early onset of headaches, but once they are fully established, they probably make it worse. Although it helps vomiting no matter how severe or well established.
I then also made good old fashioned potato, meat, and onion hash, this time with cubed leftover tri-tip, chopped sweet onion, cubed yukon and russet potatoes, a bit of oil, and about a third cup of beef broth. Eggs sunny side over easy. Fat city, but so good. I hadn't made a good hash in years, and it is really something I could eat almost daily, if my heart didn't scream in agony. Kidding. I have "spectacular lipid levels," so says my neurologist. I also particularly love Corned Beef hash, but have never had the balls to make it, since bad corned beef is *so very bad.*
So at this point in the blog entry, I almost feel a little bit like saying, "Okay, let's get this next part over with." But I obviously enjoy it, so what the hell. Yes, I've been to Goodwill this week. Twice. I have pictures to prove it. In fact, Thursday I drove around for a while trying to find the Salvation Army that I had done so well at last time, before throwing up my hands, and going back to one of the bigger Goodwills instead (the one on Meridian).
I actually only have "outfit" pictures from Wednesday, when oddly, I wore two outfits. That is because it was quite chilly in the AM, and warmer in the PM, and I also was dressed to go "thrifting" as I am now learning it is called. That sounds so much more socially significant than compulsive shopper, don't you think?
So the AM outfit was to take DH to the bullet train, so he wouldn't have to take the bus in the cold. I went from there to Safeway, and did quite a large shopping trip. I bought a lot of "quick" meals, for reasons I will relate below. I also bought a lot of things we were running out of, but I am really pissed because I forgot the McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal. I actually am zipping through cans of that now that I have learned to soak the oats overnight. I still am eating them four or five times a week, and not tiring of it. Thursday I cut up some strawberries, a tablespoon of sugar, and some milk for my last serving, and it was out of this world. But that was the end of my supply.
This is what I wore for the drive to the train station, and grocery shopping:
Black cotton cable-knit sweater tunic (bit long on me, but I am short, and have an enormous chest), and a pair of boot cut jeans. I own one pair of carpenter pants, but all my other jeans are boot cut, just like them better. They are a very dark blue wash, so look black in this picture. It doesn't help that I am wearing my black "motorcycle" boots. Double semi-precious beaded necklace from It's a Girl Thing.
Anyway, while I was at Safeway, I decided I was getting grossed out by the house again. This is quite a feat, I am exceedingly hard to gross out. I bought all kinds of cleaning products for people who don't know how to scrub, plus some Drano to fix our bathroom sink, which was taking about 5 minutes to empty. I am kind of in cleaning mode, but it is really one item at a time, it isn't a frenzy. I did fix the sink drain, so yay me!
I also got potatoes for beef hash, which I planned to make from leftovers from the tri-tip we had. Oh, yeah, we had a marinated tri-tip roast with roasted potatoes on Sunday. DH was so happy to eat meat, even though he doesn't generally complain. I also got a couple of nicely sized russets for baked potatoes sometime this week. Hmm, need to check our sour cream, and see how it is holding up. Anyway, we rarely have big hunks of meat like that anymore, and DH was a very satisfied diner on Sunday night. Yesterday, I completely cheated and got a Safeway refrigerated meal, which I just had to heat up: rigatoni and bolognese. If you put tomato sauce on food, DH will likely be happy to eat it. Also those strawberries I mentioned strawberries and avocados (I eat about three a week). Plus, we have chicken and potato wedges. Man, heavy on the potatoes this week.
And a lot of candy.
I went home, put away groceries, and fed Violet. I only meant to surf the net for a bit, but I was kind of still feeling my oats because I haven't been having nearly the problems with my head that I was last week. I have been beyond relaxing the last few days, just luxuriating in the relative lack of pain. I haven't been migraine free, but I have been keeping them under control with the aid of both Big Pharma, and Cannabis. Then I remembered we had broken the slides, So I headed out to Smoke Stuff.
After that, it was still before noon, and I decided to do some "thrifting." I wanted to go back to the Salvation Army. But I got totally lost trying to find the Salvation Army I went to last time when I used Smoke Stuff as my starting point. When I came back home, and looked at a map, I realized I had merely been on the wrong side of the street. Gah. I had thought about trying to get there again today, but my head and ache-y legs have pretty much nixed that idea. Or, I could go to the Salvation Army just a couple of miles from here. People were a little ruthless at the Salvation Army, and shopped out of my cart once before I was aware of it: I have had that happen to me once or twice in Goodwills since then as well, so I guard my basket.
So, Wednesday afternoon, San Jose Goodwill, on Meridian. Fortunately, one of their biggest locations, because the whole reason I wanted to go to the Salvation Army is because it's HUGE. I actually am kind of amazed that I am able to keep straight in my head what I bought on Wednesday, and what I bought on Monday, but I can. I have to take a few more pictures, of the stuff from Monday. I know these aren't the greatest pictures, but it is hard to display this sort of thing without a manikin,
Anyway, I have learned to dress with a tank top under my clothes, so I don't have to compete for dressing rooms as much (there are mirrors here and there around the stores). I wore the same jean and boots, but a pink tank top, and a fasten-less cardigan in a synthetic knit of some kind, with a empire waist (one of my Monday Santa Clara Goodwill finds). Cardigans are easy to slip off and on, so I don't freeze between trying on clothes. I also wore my new-ish flower/pouf black headband, since I know my hair gets in my eyes pulling things off and on, and it is a quick fix. In both Wednesday's pictures, I am wearing a brown braided leather belt I also bought at the Santa Clara Goodwill on Monday.
I got a small black leather hobo purse, Wilson's. I already have the big black Wilson's satchel. The handle is asymmetrical, and has two metal links on one side.
A purple and violet pin-striped oxford blouse:
This was a cute find: A blue wool knit top with cable, an empire waist, and that nice collar.
This is a light wool short-sleeved lavender top, with an scoop, and embellished keyhole neck.
Here's the embellishment:
I am not bothering to include pictures of the plain black top, and the camel-colored top with the collar with the rather restrained embellishments.
So from Monday in Santa Clara, you have seen the Black empire-waist button-less cardigan thing-y, and I am guessing you can visualize a standard brown leather braided belt. Here is a mis-sized fabric brown and pink purse, the top stripe is pale pink, compared to the flowers:
It looks brand new, and I combine pink and brown a lot. Plus, a little black lace slip skirt:
I have reached this weird place with my wardrobe. First of all, I am being pretty ruthless at discarding things I don't wear, and stuff that looks ghastly in the pictures on this blog. That doesn't mean I won't wear something over-sized, like that tunic sweater (I'm calling it a tunic because it has side slits), but to be honest, I like how that looks, even if it isn't the latest fashion. So I have enough clothes, yet because of my weeding out and organizing what I have, I know really specifically where I have holes in my wardrobe. For instance, I do have one or two navy things. But I could really use navy shoes, and a purse. A pair of navy slacks wouldn't hurt either. I don't need them, but I know that I can certainly use them. This is allowing me to be both incredibly picky, and a little more outre in my choices, because I try on things that I think, "What the hell, I like it, maybe it will work on me." And about 15% of the time, I find something good, so since there is a lot of stuff to try on, I almost always walk away with a find.
So back to less frivolous and material things: I woke up today (Friday) morning with a slight headache. So a several day break, more than I had really hoped for. But it is back, I can feel it creeping around my skull. UGH. I have to say last week's Migrane-o-rama really took the wind out of my sails, both in the sense I can still tell am still recovering days later, and also in the sense that it seems to have put a hitch in my mood, I no longer feel like I am being sent by slingshot to every destination.
Okay, this post is just getting ridiculous, I can't even proof read it it is so long. Tomorrow, I want to talk about the riveting subject of home decor. Har.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Pain and Prolix
Well, I haven't posted in about a week, but I have a couple of reasons for that hiatus. Migraines and garrulousness.
First things first. I just have one outfit, from last Tuesday, Nov. 2. That day was the day of the election, and DH and I went to vote shortly after 8. I wore my vintage red crinkled maxi-skirt, with my olive green, mandarin collared blouse, with 3/4's length sleeves, and with a similar crinkle to the material of the skirt. Those are the ubiquitous black penny loafer mules again.
For accessories, I wore a signed Navajo silver animal totem necklace. The earrings are the little stone turtle-ish earrings, one of the few pair of posts I have purchased since I developed a nickel allergy. I even have a barely there rash along my glass stems, because they are metal. So that was an annoying allergy to develop in midlife, as it eliminated a lot of the costume jewelry that I, as a gypsy princess, love to wear.
Finally, I wore a bobby pin with a flower made of antique silk and wool (you can see a plaid on the wool) with a vintage button for the center. Very cute, another Wychbury purchase. Yes, that little craft business appears to hold me firmly by the short hairs.
After voting, I drove DH to work, since I had a neurology appointment in Palo Alto anyway. I already had awoken with a minor headache, and had thought about canceling my neurology appointment, but since I had to drop DH off at work in Menlo Park anyway, I decided to tough it out. So I stopped for a quick breakfast at Hobee's, then shopped a bit at Sur la Table. There I found a candy thermometer, which I actually did need: I had not been able to try a couple of candy recipes in the last few months because I never bought one. I always used my mother's. I also got this silicone mini mitt pot holder, which is awesome, and of which I intend to buy more of. I was able to easily lift a very heavy Le Creuset roasting pan, with a very secure feeling grip. I am probably going to use it as a stocking stuffer this year.
My neurology appointment was essentially a bust. Plus ça change, plus c'est le meme chose. He acknowledged that we are pretty helpless right now, so we are once again raising my propranolol. I won't see him until next year, and I am hoping it will be working by then. If it doesn't work, we are not able to go higher than my current dosage, as it would probably make me develop brachycardia, and become hypo-tensive. It looks like my pulse has adjusted to the previous dose, rising from about 52-4 beats per minute, to 69 beats per minute.
Just for the hell of it, I stopped at Kara's Cupcakes, which is in the shopping center abutting the medical clinic I use, and bought a dozen mini-cupcakes. I got Java, Meyer lemon filled, and banana carmel. Oh. My. God. That banana caramel is evil, it is sooooo good. By now, my head was really starting to hurt, and I wanted to just go home, but I decided I better stop at Lucky to pick up my new script, while I was up and about. But as usual, I hit them during their lunch hour, and they were closed. I was starting to feel too awful to stay.
So that evening was a bad evening, but cleared up before bedtime. When I woke up on Wednesday, however, I had THE WORST headache. It went on and on. It was horrible. The third day I still hadn't been able to eat, but I couldn't stop vomiting. Finally, I went to bed Thursday night, with the help of some Lorazepam (brand name Ativan). I woke up Friday without a headache, but it crept back over the day. Saturday I was in misery again. I haven't had one one Sunday or Monday, so I kind of feel like I am due one tomorrow. If I don't get one, I will get some mailing done I need to do (return stuff to Nordstrom, mail Sister2's birthday gift, and pick up a couple of bong slides, as both of ours broke from becoming brittle. Two of them, within 24 hours, not dropping them, or anything.
But one of my migraine patterns is that the number of migraines starts increasing in October, and then I have one practically every day of November. When I say practically every day, I am talking 5 or 6 days a week. They aren't all the worst migraine I ever had, although half of them are really, really bad, and a couple of them have come close to my top 10-20. I developed intractable (untreatable, or difficult to treat) migraine when I was 12, so I have had 35 years of headaches to work on the "winners" list.
Medical Cannabis has helped, but not always entirely squelched my pain (although it often does). During the 3 day migraine, it helped the first day, made it worse the 2nd day, and really helped the 3rd day, as at that point I was vomiting pretty frequently. A migraine can whoop ANY painkiller's ass, no matter its strength. Cannabis is safe, has not caused a single death in modern medical history, and I cannot overdose. But it doesn't always work. If that happens, I am utterly screwed.
So, ANYWAY, returning to the initial sentence about my hiatus, the first few days after my last post, I felt panicked. I had posted something I should not have. I have a propensity to do this when my mood is screwy. My blogs have caused me problems in the past: Once the problems were with a person who was my friend at the time, L. I blogged about what I (still) believe to be unwise choices on her part. It was truly stupid of me. Not to mention, pot, meet kettle. But I said what I did out of concern for her, although that doesn't mean it was okay to do. I just am saying, contrary to what some people thought, it was not meant maliciously, I was actually blogging about my concern for her. She is no longer my friend, although I hear about her from others. I was surprised to find that I am happier without interacting with this woman, and her circle, when I thought I would be lonely. So while it was upsetting for others, and myself at the time, it ultimately did me good. That didn't make it easier for my then friend to read. But I feel like she has made even worse choices since then, so it is good I am no longer involved with her.
Not to mention, she totally used and abused one of my dearest friends, after screeching foul because she was being held responsible for the consequences of her actions. That did make me feel much less guilty about any upset I had brought to her life with my blog.
The second incident was over a family wedding, BIL2 to my now SIL2. I was a bad actor, I blogged about my distaste for the details of my then soon to be SIL's wedding, especially, what I think were breaches of etiquette, about which I am a bit of a jerk. I also did a character analysis of her that wasn't very flattering. I did call her a Bridezilla, but I had never seen the show, and actually referred to myself as Bridezilla several times in my own planning. That show really found awful women, and I guess my SIL watches a lot of TV. I just repeated what I was told by DH after his conversations he had with his father and sister (SIL!) about it. But my SIL1 wouldn't cop to it, and claimed I was making stuff up. She also told DH he should probably divorce me.
That really, really was over the line, in my opinion. How dare she. She recently sent me a "friend request" on Facebook; I unfriended all my in laws after this because while I performed the precipitating event of the fight, no one would admit I was just repeating what I had been told. SIL1 & BIL1 accused me of lying. I think they just were embarrassed that the gossip obviously arose from discussions SIL1 had with DH and their father. Rather than admit that they were providing the information, which would have infuriated SIL2, they claimed I made shit up.
I agree that I should not have posted things that affected SIL2, I had no right to her story. Which is why I am trying to be careful about overtly exposing others to criticisms or consequences from my blogged outbursts of bad judgement. But I can always delete. SIL1 found my old blog about one day after I started it, and started emailing DH every time she saw something she didn't like, whether or not it had anything to do with the family. No way am I giving her access to this blog.
Anyway, it turns out I was apparently dead right about SIL2, according to SIL1's reports to DH, but she only relayed this to DH, months after the fact. She never apologized for calling me a liar, making fun of my bipolar illness, and urging my husband to divorce me. Now she just says "Let's be friends again, I miss you" in a Facebook message. I do not miss her, nor do I want her to access to my discussions with my friends.
So that's it.
First things first. I just have one outfit, from last Tuesday, Nov. 2. That day was the day of the election, and DH and I went to vote shortly after 8. I wore my vintage red crinkled maxi-skirt, with my olive green, mandarin collared blouse, with 3/4's length sleeves, and with a similar crinkle to the material of the skirt. Those are the ubiquitous black penny loafer mules again.
For accessories, I wore a signed Navajo silver animal totem necklace. The earrings are the little stone turtle-ish earrings, one of the few pair of posts I have purchased since I developed a nickel allergy. I even have a barely there rash along my glass stems, because they are metal. So that was an annoying allergy to develop in midlife, as it eliminated a lot of the costume jewelry that I, as a gypsy princess, love to wear.
Finally, I wore a bobby pin with a flower made of antique silk and wool (you can see a plaid on the wool) with a vintage button for the center. Very cute, another Wychbury purchase. Yes, that little craft business appears to hold me firmly by the short hairs.
After voting, I drove DH to work, since I had a neurology appointment in Palo Alto anyway. I already had awoken with a minor headache, and had thought about canceling my neurology appointment, but since I had to drop DH off at work in Menlo Park anyway, I decided to tough it out. So I stopped for a quick breakfast at Hobee's, then shopped a bit at Sur la Table. There I found a candy thermometer, which I actually did need: I had not been able to try a couple of candy recipes in the last few months because I never bought one. I always used my mother's. I also got this silicone mini mitt pot holder, which is awesome, and of which I intend to buy more of. I was able to easily lift a very heavy Le Creuset roasting pan, with a very secure feeling grip. I am probably going to use it as a stocking stuffer this year.
My neurology appointment was essentially a bust. Plus ça change, plus c'est le meme chose. He acknowledged that we are pretty helpless right now, so we are once again raising my propranolol. I won't see him until next year, and I am hoping it will be working by then. If it doesn't work, we are not able to go higher than my current dosage, as it would probably make me develop brachycardia, and become hypo-tensive. It looks like my pulse has adjusted to the previous dose, rising from about 52-4 beats per minute, to 69 beats per minute.
Just for the hell of it, I stopped at Kara's Cupcakes, which is in the shopping center abutting the medical clinic I use, and bought a dozen mini-cupcakes. I got Java, Meyer lemon filled, and banana carmel. Oh. My. God. That banana caramel is evil, it is sooooo good. By now, my head was really starting to hurt, and I wanted to just go home, but I decided I better stop at Lucky to pick up my new script, while I was up and about. But as usual, I hit them during their lunch hour, and they were closed. I was starting to feel too awful to stay.
So that evening was a bad evening, but cleared up before bedtime. When I woke up on Wednesday, however, I had THE WORST headache. It went on and on. It was horrible. The third day I still hadn't been able to eat, but I couldn't stop vomiting. Finally, I went to bed Thursday night, with the help of some Lorazepam (brand name Ativan). I woke up Friday without a headache, but it crept back over the day. Saturday I was in misery again. I haven't had one one Sunday or Monday, so I kind of feel like I am due one tomorrow. If I don't get one, I will get some mailing done I need to do (return stuff to Nordstrom, mail Sister2's birthday gift, and pick up a couple of bong slides, as both of ours broke from becoming brittle. Two of them, within 24 hours, not dropping them, or anything.
But one of my migraine patterns is that the number of migraines starts increasing in October, and then I have one practically every day of November. When I say practically every day, I am talking 5 or 6 days a week. They aren't all the worst migraine I ever had, although half of them are really, really bad, and a couple of them have come close to my top 10-20. I developed intractable (untreatable, or difficult to treat) migraine when I was 12, so I have had 35 years of headaches to work on the "winners" list.
Medical Cannabis has helped, but not always entirely squelched my pain (although it often does). During the 3 day migraine, it helped the first day, made it worse the 2nd day, and really helped the 3rd day, as at that point I was vomiting pretty frequently. A migraine can whoop ANY painkiller's ass, no matter its strength. Cannabis is safe, has not caused a single death in modern medical history, and I cannot overdose. But it doesn't always work. If that happens, I am utterly screwed.
So, ANYWAY, returning to the initial sentence about my hiatus, the first few days after my last post, I felt panicked. I had posted something I should not have. I have a propensity to do this when my mood is screwy. My blogs have caused me problems in the past: Once the problems were with a person who was my friend at the time, L. I blogged about what I (still) believe to be unwise choices on her part. It was truly stupid of me. Not to mention, pot, meet kettle. But I said what I did out of concern for her, although that doesn't mean it was okay to do. I just am saying, contrary to what some people thought, it was not meant maliciously, I was actually blogging about my concern for her. She is no longer my friend, although I hear about her from others. I was surprised to find that I am happier without interacting with this woman, and her circle, when I thought I would be lonely. So while it was upsetting for others, and myself at the time, it ultimately did me good. That didn't make it easier for my then friend to read. But I feel like she has made even worse choices since then, so it is good I am no longer involved with her.
Not to mention, she totally used and abused one of my dearest friends, after screeching foul because she was being held responsible for the consequences of her actions. That did make me feel much less guilty about any upset I had brought to her life with my blog.
The second incident was over a family wedding, BIL2 to my now SIL2. I was a bad actor, I blogged about my distaste for the details of my then soon to be SIL's wedding, especially, what I think were breaches of etiquette, about which I am a bit of a jerk. I also did a character analysis of her that wasn't very flattering. I did call her a Bridezilla, but I had never seen the show, and actually referred to myself as Bridezilla several times in my own planning. That show really found awful women, and I guess my SIL watches a lot of TV. I just repeated what I was told by DH after his conversations he had with his father and sister (SIL!) about it. But my SIL1 wouldn't cop to it, and claimed I was making stuff up. She also told DH he should probably divorce me.
That really, really was over the line, in my opinion. How dare she. She recently sent me a "friend request" on Facebook; I unfriended all my in laws after this because while I performed the precipitating event of the fight, no one would admit I was just repeating what I had been told. SIL1 & BIL1 accused me of lying. I think they just were embarrassed that the gossip obviously arose from discussions SIL1 had with DH and their father. Rather than admit that they were providing the information, which would have infuriated SIL2, they claimed I made shit up.
I agree that I should not have posted things that affected SIL2, I had no right to her story. Which is why I am trying to be careful about overtly exposing others to criticisms or consequences from my blogged outbursts of bad judgement. But I can always delete. SIL1 found my old blog about one day after I started it, and started emailing DH every time she saw something she didn't like, whether or not it had anything to do with the family. No way am I giving her access to this blog.
Anyway, it turns out I was apparently dead right about SIL2, according to SIL1's reports to DH, but she only relayed this to DH, months after the fact. She never apologized for calling me a liar, making fun of my bipolar illness, and urging my husband to divorce me. Now she just says "Let's be friends again, I miss you" in a Facebook message. I do not miss her, nor do I want her to access to my discussions with my friends.
So that's it.
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