Well, it is the New Year. I admittedly threw over the final set of prompts. I was tired of their sameness, and while self-reflection is good, this exercise was beginning to strike me more as self-absorption.
The year ended with a completely crushing disappointment for me. Atenolol, the medication to which I switched two weeks ago in my attempt to control my migraines, started causing side effects that were intolerable, and/or precursors of more severe side effects. I left a message for my neurologist on Friday, Dec. 31, knowing he wasn't expected back in the office until January 4. I knew I couldn't stop this medication cold turkey without endangering myself, so I thought I would have to wait until Tuesday, and just cope with the side effects, making sure they did not take a turn for the worse.
So I was surprised that he called me at 9:30 PM on New Year's Eve; perhaps he was the Neurologist On-Call for the evening, but he uncharacteristically checked his messages on a Friday. He told me to titrate of the atenolol. I already had an appointment scheduled for mid-February, but I said to him I guessed I should reschedule the appointment for an earlier date. He began to hem and haw a little, and said something like, "I am always glad to see you, we can talk about the frequency of your headaches. I really think you should go back on Depakote in the fall." First of all, no. I will not go back on Depakote, and I have told him that repeatedly. But his message was clear. There is nothing else left in his pharmacological arsenal for me to try.
I had thought I was going to try the SSRI Cymbalta, until my psychiatrist nixed it, seemingly out of nowhere. He is now adamantly opposed to my using it, even though he told me in early May that the dose of Cymbalta used for migraine were so tiny that it would have no activating effect on my mood. SSRIs are generally no-nos for bipolar people, which was the whole point of that visit, to see if he thought I could handle it. I have in my notes that he said I could. He either changed his mind, or forgot, but it made me feel foolish. I really don't like to give the impression that I am pushing around my doctors (not that it doesn't happen). But this time I really wasn't, I was suggesting a medication that I have a record of his permitting.
But the long and short of it is, I have reached the end of the medication merry-go-round. With SSRIs eliminated, there is no other class of medication left to try as prophylaxis. I am now officially reliant solely on OTC analgesics, sumatriptan, and medical cannabis. As far as my neurologist is concerned, I can visit him sooner, or I can visit him later, there is nothing more he can do. I am going to beg and plead for a referral to the UCSF Headache Clinic. I have no idea if they have anything to offer, but they are the West Coast center for people like me.
Planner that I am, I already have contingency plans in case the UCSF Clinic, to which I have not yet been referred, is unable to help me.
So yeah. Way to end 2010.
Which just puts me in a morose mood for all of the challenges we already know we must face in 2011. I have foot surgery again. Then my husband has brain surgery. And at some point in 2011, I need to get over to Berkeley medical school, to have an eye I am losing vision in examined, and treated.
If all those events go smoothly, 2011 holds a lot of promise. But it also holds a lot of pitfalls. It seems as if the entire duration of my relationship with DH has been stumbling from one drama to the next. Our health issues have definitely meant there are dimensions to cope with beyond the usual loving and cherishing we would naturally provide each other: There is frustration and fear, for starters.
I burnt a candle on the Solstice, and again on the New Year, to send up all the bad vibrations and echoes of 2010 into the ether. I have my superstitions. Although if you ask me, I'll admit, I don't truly believe in them. But I like rituals, and superstitions are ripe for ritual. Rituals give me a false sense of control that is comforting, in spite of my knowing I am fooling myself.
2011 is also the Chinese year of the Rabbit, which is my birth sign. I turn 48. I fall under the water element, and am supposed to have a good career year. That would be nice for a change.
I know good things are in store, too. I am looking forward to further involvement in the Medical Cannabis community. Our tenth wedding anniversary is a huge milestone for us. And my third Oregon Country Fair is another anniversary of sorts. My French Bulldog Violet turned 7 on New Year's day, which is always auspicious.
Now if I could just locate my wallet....
Showing posts with label Medical Cannabis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Medical Cannabis. Show all posts
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Love and Spontaneity #reverb10
Dec. 16 Prompt: Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? -Martha Mihalik
Dec. 17 Prompt: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? -Tara Weaver
Perfect. Just as I sit down to write this, another headache is coming slamming in. The barometer is changing, and like many migraneurs, barometer changes can give me headaches. More often than not they do. But I had gotten away with the first 24 hours of this storm, so I had hoped maybe I would be spared. Sigh.
I couldn't decide how to approach the friendship prompt. I feel like I have endured a lot this year, but most of it was spent in our duplex, just my husband and myself. It was much more a year of physical and emotional stress than it was of perspective change. I know that stress and mayhem are supposed to build character, but my character can only be built up so much before it topples me with its weightiness. I know how to get through shitty times, because so much of my life has been shitty. That sounds awful, and I should make it clear I am very happy. But that is almost entirely because of my marriage. This is not to disparage my friends. And perhaps it is just a way of pointing out how dear of a friend my husband is to me. But he was the person's whose shoulder I sobbed when it all became too much. And vice versa, frankly.
We have become better friends this year. We both talk about it a lot: It is as if we have just met each other again, 10 years later. Again, a horrible year in terms of events, a fantastic year in terms of my marriage. Our family is mostly on the East Coast. I have a sister in Dallas, and a sister in Australia. We are a pretty self-contained unit, and both being shy introverts, we aren't the most social people, so we really rely on each other. I actually am more of a social person than he, which is almost scary.
Although I do think my sociability would be enhanced if I felt I could confidently accept invitations in advance. But I always risk being sick the day of. Which cleverly segues into my lesson learned in 2010. Heh.
It is hard to get me to do things at the spur of the moment. Yet I have more "memorable" moments when I say "Fuck it, let's do it," than when I try to plan ahead. I mentioned in an earlier post that I plan compulsively, and while I do not have OCD, it is considered something I need to pay attention to as part of my overall mental health. Of course, keeping an eye on over-planning is kind of a Catch-22 for me, but I do as best I can.
Whenever I say, "Okay, let's do it," I have fun. Always. Whether it is to run to a restaurant at the last minute, or catch a movie, stuff that may not seem very bold to you. But I can't even be sure I will be functional the next day, so planning for things is no good. In fact, I know I use the obsessive planning as a defense mechanism for my lack of control over my health.
And I also have a tendency to "hoard" the hours I am not in pain. Sometimes I just enjoy hanging out doing not much, when I am feeling all right. Add that time to the times I am down with headaches, and that leaves not many opportunities for spontaneity.
Spontaneity for me could mean deciding on the spur of the moment to order a fun dinner from Whole Foods for New Year's Eve. Then ordering it two weeks ahead of time. But hey, I ordered it as soon as I thought of it! And some of the joy I do find in planning comes from exactly this type of anticipation, so I actually was not being as much of a freak as usual.
But it can also mean moments of truly plunging in, and challenging myself, such as sharing the communal showers at the Oregon Country Fair, and overcoming just a little bit of my body-hatred. It also meant I decided to go to a class on the Medical Cannabis Industry. And at the moment, I am annoyed, because I had another great example of when taking a chance did something positive, and the migraine has knocked it out of my head. Grrr. Planning does have its place, I guess.
I will never be able to stop planning entirely. I see the same behavior in other family members! But I am trying to take risks, however tame they may seem to others.
In fact, I just decided to let my hair grow out its natural color (with plenty of gray), and made the hair appointment for early next week! And earlier that same day, I am going to stop off at my favorite tattoo shop to discuss my next tattoo. Wheeee!
Baby steps, people.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Out of Wisdom Comes Pain and Lust #reverb10
Dec 10 prompt:
Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? -Susannah Conway
The wisest decision I made this year has lead to literally days of pain. But it was still the right choice for my marriage, and I am glad I made it.
As a chronic migraneur, I am always on multiple medications. This is in addition to my psychiatric treatments, although the medications for mental illness and neurological disorders share a huge overlap. Sometimes, I find meds that work to lower the frequency of my headaches. Unfortunately, once a headache arrives, treatments, even opiates, are hit and miss.
I am not going to go into a long discussion about all my treatments, but one in particular has worked for me on a number of occasions for a few years at a time before pooping out on me: the anti-convulsant, Depakote. After several year long "vacations" from Depakote on other medications, I would repeatedly find myself saying to my neurologist that I wanted to try it again. It would always improve the frequency of headaches for a while, then once again poop out. But when it worked, it was the best medication I had tried.
Besides the issue of repeatedly pooping out on me, Depakote can cause severe side effects. Excessive weight gain is the most infamous one. My experience has been a little less straight-forward, but ultimately ended with impressive weight gain. Depakote can suddenly, after working well for years, destroy one's pancreas, and make one a Type I diabetic. It can cause severe liver damage.
But the side effect that became the most instrusive and upsetting was that Depakote totally killed my libido stone dead. I didn't like to even be touched, although of course I was more tolerant of DH's touch than anyone else's. Still, "wrapped in cotton wool" and "bound in plastic wrap" are the phrases he has used over and over to describe what I was like on Depakote.
People may realize that headaches are incapacitating, but they often do not realize how incapacitating drug side effects can be. The side effects of the medication become just one more aspect of being chronically ill. Deciding what side effects you can tolerate, or are willing to put up with, always requires a risk/benefit analaysis.
By February of 2010, given my headaches, medication side-effects, and foot surgery, sex was almost non-existant in our marriage. Like many people, early in our relationship, sex had been a constant. But over 10+ years, my headaches have gotten more frequent and harder to treat. So not tonight, dear. And then the medication I took destroyed any interest I had at all. I felt obliged to be active as much as I could, but it was so hard. I knew DH was torn, he didn't want me to be in pain. But man, did he hate Depakote.
After watching my husband's misery, I decided that for the sake of our marriage, I would never again take Depakote, even though it still is the medication that has worked best for me in terms of my headaches. I had begun to feel like I wasn't upholding my end of the marriage. I am not saying that there is a quid pro quo for sex, but sex is a very important part of a marriage, there is no denying it. People who know me know that I do not generally talk about my sex life with anyone, but this is not about sex as an explicit act, but instead as a component of married life. It is upsetting and humiliating to not be as sexually available to your partner as you would like, and feel s/he deserves.
Since we were together 24/7 throughout most of 2010, we were able to delve into this issue in detail, and re-evaluate what our expectations were for each other in this marriage, and check to see that we were still on the same page. I knew intellectually I wanted to be on the same emotional page as DH, but I just couldn't do it with the chemical chastity belt that Depakote had become. Most Drs. consider this a completely valid reason for discontinuing a medication, so I knew my neurologist would accept it. My neurologist is as desperate and clueless about what to do next as I am, and allows me to largely direct my own treatment. The fact that Depakote is also used for psychiatric treatment of bipolar illness means that my psychiatrist must also be kept on top of what is going on, but Depakote has never had a psychiatric effect for me, and he allows me to raise it and lower it without consulting him first.
Plus I was beginning to wonder whether or not it wasn't already pooping out, anyway. My headaches were definitely becoming more frequent.
So in June, with the Dr.'s blessing, I began to titrate (that is, change the dosage little by little, to allow my body time to adjust) off the Depakote, and titrate onto blood pressure medication, propranolol, that is also widely used as migraine prophylaxis. You must always titrate off of anti-seizure medications, or you risk having severe seizures, even if you weren't taking them for seizures in the first place.
I immediately made the rather depressing discovery that yes, in fact, the Depakote was helping. My headaches increased in frequency and severity the lower my dosage went. I was prepared for a bad period, there is often a short period where everything gets much much worse when you are titrating onto a medication, even if it ultimately proves successful. But the bad period didn't end.
And now, I am Depakote free. I am having headaches more days than not, and this has been the case since July. At first, while almost daily, they often were not severe, or only lasted a few hours. The further in time I moved forward from my last dose of Depakote, the more severe the headaches have become. And they continue to be present more days than not. The propranolol has been a bust. In January I will be trying another medication for the first time, the SSRI Cymbalta. When used for migraines, the dose is so comparatively tiny, there is no real concern of its cross-reacting with my psychiatric medications.
But even with the failure of the propranolol, it has been totally worth it. I knew that even as I huddled over a waste-basket, heaving for hours on end on Wednesday night, head pounding, eyes streaming with tears.
Of course, when I am curled up in pain, I am not exactly the most sexual creature. But when I am pain free these days, I now realize it was if my entire sense of touch had been severely dampened. The fact that I can tolerate DH's arms around me while I am sick, and enjoy them when I am not, is a shockingly huge and happy change for both of us. While I am sick too often these days to speak honestly about second honeymoons, we are definitely both feeling a renewed sense of enjoyment and emotional intimacy. And when I am feeling well, well, I'll be gross, and admit sex is so much better! Sex actually felt like a chore on Depakote.
So those are my early unexpected gifts for our 10th wedding anniversary this July: Accepting pain, and regaining intimacy.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Headaches and Hippies, #reverb10
December 8, and 9 Prompts:
Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different- you'll find they're what make you beautiful. -Karen Walrand
Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, and shenanigans. -Shauna Reid
Sorry to have been MIA. The reason for my absence is essentially what makes me different: I have been a chronic migraineur since I was 13. This has really thrown some huge curve-balls at me during my life, but I rarely am able to increase my slugging percentage.
The last two days I had a full blown migraine, with aura, photo phobia, vomiting, osmophobia, dizziness, and agonizing pain. Having suffered from such a bad headache, ending only a few hours ago, it is hard for me to find anything positive and beautiful in my experiences. In fact, they have been depressing and isolating. One of the quandaries of migraine (or in this case, migraine co morbid with bipolar disorder), is that it is a chronic, painful, but invisible and non-lethal. People think that I exaggerate how often and how severely I suffer from headaches.
Unhappy things that having 2-30 migraines a month for the last 34 years has taught me:
*Life isn't fair
*Pain is incapacitating, yet invisible, putting your claim of genuine disability into question.
*People are very willing to tell you what you are doing wrong when they have no idea what you are going through
But there are useful things I have learned as a result of my condition, too:
*Living a "conventional" 9-5 life life is not the only way to lead a happy life.
*Joy can be found in things as simple as an absence of pain
*Life isn't as linear as the average high school counselor would like you to believe.
In addition, using medical Cannabis to treat pain has exposed me to a new activist community, and a new cause for my lifelong civil rights activism
Overall, being a migraineur has had positive impact on my world view and approach to my life. I am intimately acquainted with the pit falls of having an invisible disability, and have used that knowledge in my activism, especially for IV drug users, and HIV patients. I have developed a hobby interest in neurobiology. DH's seizures provide more fodder for that interest, and the fact that my dad was a widely read psycho-pharmacologist, who did research in neuropsychiatry meant that I was taught about how our brains work by a world-renowned clinical scientist.
The amount of pain I experience for no valid reason, with no end in sight, makes me very empathetic to people who are struggling with their health, regardless of what condition they suffer, or what caused it. I have more insight into chronic illness than the average person, and unfortunately, learned about it at a much younger age than the average person who will develop a chronic disorder. This understanding of the bone-sucking weariness that chronic illness creates in its victims is what lead to my extensive HIV prevention activism, and support of people with HIV. Migraines are not fatal, but I can easily relate to those who feel poorly more often than feeling well.
Another thing I have learned is nothing is more important than keeping myself healthy. The rest of my life will go careening off the rails if I am not careful enough about looking after myself. I have the deeply held belief that if I had not come from a well-off family, and then met DH, who loves me with all my failings and lack of earning power, I would be homeless. So I tend to keep change in my pocket for the mentally ill and homeless people in the City.
One unusual fact about myself is my ability to interact with anyone, from the crack addict sitting on the stoop of my apartment building, to the members of the royal families I went to college with. When I lived in the San Francisco Tenderloin, which is a red light district, I had first name basis relationships with a lot of the homeless people that lived in the UN Plaza.
Being incapacitated by illness most of my adult life taught me the very important fact that life is a crap shoot, shit happen, and to remember other people in my world may also be ducking invisible curve balls.
****
Now I almost skipped the next prompt, because it is becoming a bit repetitive to say that the Oregon Country Fair was the social highlight of my year. But it was a very bad year, with a few peaks, and the OCF was my major excitement for 2010, but for a two day driving trip with DH in August. Those of you who are here for the first time, my December 3rd prompt: Moment blog post was about happenings at the Fair.
I basically describe the Fair to people who want to know as a convergence of dirty hippies, faeries, rainbow people, burning man aficionados, and the like, creating a Counter Culture space-time singularity each July. Music Bands from the well known, to the virtually anonymous play on various stages throughout the weekend, so there is music coming from one or many directions at any time. There is a non-stop drum circle, which was joined briefly by Bob Weir last summer (I realize now by looking at the Wikipedia picture that I actually saw him: I hadn't aged him in my mind since 1990, so I was looking for a much younger man). Puppet shows, acrobats, magic, mehndi booths, hair braiding booths, face painting, ice cream, and children with dread locks. All sorts of delicious food, caters to everyone from the omnivore to the vegan. Even though I fall into the first category, my favorite food item at the Fair is vegan, Blazing Salad's Avocado Dream Boats. I already know what I am having for breakfast on July 8, 2011. I wish I could tell you what is in it, so far I have figured out avocado, hummus, garlic, and hot sauce.
I discovered if you mash those ingredients together, you will have a filling, yummy sandwich spread. Eat it the day you make it, avocados don't keep!
And I haven't even talked about all the cool items sold there. There are great artisans and artists selling a variety of wares.
But there is far more to the fair than what I can list in one post. As I have said, the ambiance is a large percentage of what makes the fair great. Some concrete examples (if you will) of created ambiance: Parades with brass instruments and costumed marchers; the big juggling pavilion in Chela Mela; the singing around the sauna at the Ritz; the Women's lodge in the Community Village, an homage to estrogen; speeches on topics controversial and not; women rolling out rugs and dancing like dervishes to their favorite music, or the drumming circles' rhythms.
I hate to end this post this way, it seems unfinished. But I am hoping to get my Dec 10 prompt done before I go to bed tonight, so I am going to leave this topic for now.
Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different- you'll find they're what make you beautiful. -Karen Walrand
Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, and shenanigans. -Shauna Reid
Sorry to have been MIA. The reason for my absence is essentially what makes me different: I have been a chronic migraineur since I was 13. This has really thrown some huge curve-balls at me during my life, but I rarely am able to increase my slugging percentage.
The last two days I had a full blown migraine, with aura, photo phobia, vomiting, osmophobia, dizziness, and agonizing pain. Having suffered from such a bad headache, ending only a few hours ago, it is hard for me to find anything positive and beautiful in my experiences. In fact, they have been depressing and isolating. One of the quandaries of migraine (or in this case, migraine co morbid with bipolar disorder), is that it is a chronic, painful, but invisible and non-lethal. People think that I exaggerate how often and how severely I suffer from headaches.
Unhappy things that having 2-30 migraines a month for the last 34 years has taught me:
*Life isn't fair
*Pain is incapacitating, yet invisible, putting your claim of genuine disability into question.
*People are very willing to tell you what you are doing wrong when they have no idea what you are going through
But there are useful things I have learned as a result of my condition, too:
*Living a "conventional" 9-5 life life is not the only way to lead a happy life.
*Joy can be found in things as simple as an absence of pain
*Life isn't as linear as the average high school counselor would like you to believe.
In addition, using medical Cannabis to treat pain has exposed me to a new activist community, and a new cause for my lifelong civil rights activism
Overall, being a migraineur has had positive impact on my world view and approach to my life. I am intimately acquainted with the pit falls of having an invisible disability, and have used that knowledge in my activism, especially for IV drug users, and HIV patients. I have developed a hobby interest in neurobiology. DH's seizures provide more fodder for that interest, and the fact that my dad was a widely read psycho-pharmacologist, who did research in neuropsychiatry meant that I was taught about how our brains work by a world-renowned clinical scientist.
The amount of pain I experience for no valid reason, with no end in sight, makes me very empathetic to people who are struggling with their health, regardless of what condition they suffer, or what caused it. I have more insight into chronic illness than the average person, and unfortunately, learned about it at a much younger age than the average person who will develop a chronic disorder. This understanding of the bone-sucking weariness that chronic illness creates in its victims is what lead to my extensive HIV prevention activism, and support of people with HIV. Migraines are not fatal, but I can easily relate to those who feel poorly more often than feeling well.
Another thing I have learned is nothing is more important than keeping myself healthy. The rest of my life will go careening off the rails if I am not careful enough about looking after myself. I have the deeply held belief that if I had not come from a well-off family, and then met DH, who loves me with all my failings and lack of earning power, I would be homeless. So I tend to keep change in my pocket for the mentally ill and homeless people in the City.
One unusual fact about myself is my ability to interact with anyone, from the crack addict sitting on the stoop of my apartment building, to the members of the royal families I went to college with. When I lived in the San Francisco Tenderloin, which is a red light district, I had first name basis relationships with a lot of the homeless people that lived in the UN Plaza.
Being incapacitated by illness most of my adult life taught me the very important fact that life is a crap shoot, shit happen, and to remember other people in my world may also be ducking invisible curve balls.
****
Now I almost skipped the next prompt, because it is becoming a bit repetitive to say that the Oregon Country Fair was the social highlight of my year. But it was a very bad year, with a few peaks, and the OCF was my major excitement for 2010, but for a two day driving trip with DH in August. Those of you who are here for the first time, my December 3rd prompt: Moment blog post was about happenings at the Fair.
I basically describe the Fair to people who want to know as a convergence of dirty hippies, faeries, rainbow people, burning man aficionados, and the like, creating a Counter Culture space-time singularity each July. Music Bands from the well known, to the virtually anonymous play on various stages throughout the weekend, so there is music coming from one or many directions at any time. There is a non-stop drum circle, which was joined briefly by Bob Weir last summer (I realize now by looking at the Wikipedia picture that I actually saw him: I hadn't aged him in my mind since 1990, so I was looking for a much younger man). Puppet shows, acrobats, magic, mehndi booths, hair braiding booths, face painting, ice cream, and children with dread locks. All sorts of delicious food, caters to everyone from the omnivore to the vegan. Even though I fall into the first category, my favorite food item at the Fair is vegan, Blazing Salad's Avocado Dream Boats. I already know what I am having for breakfast on July 8, 2011. I wish I could tell you what is in it, so far I have figured out avocado, hummus, garlic, and hot sauce.
I discovered if you mash those ingredients together, you will have a filling, yummy sandwich spread. Eat it the day you make it, avocados don't keep!
And I haven't even talked about all the cool items sold there. There are great artisans and artists selling a variety of wares.
But there is far more to the fair than what I can list in one post. As I have said, the ambiance is a large percentage of what makes the fair great. Some concrete examples (if you will) of created ambiance: Parades with brass instruments and costumed marchers; the big juggling pavilion in Chela Mela; the singing around the sauna at the Ritz; the Women's lodge in the Community Village, an homage to estrogen; speeches on topics controversial and not; women rolling out rugs and dancing like dervishes to their favorite music, or the drumming circles' rhythms.
I hate to end this post this way, it seems unfinished. But I am hoping to get my Dec 10 prompt done before I go to bed tonight, so I am going to leave this topic for now.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Make: Terror Wears Diapers #reverb10
Prompt # 5: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? -Gretchen Rubin
I am not a crafty person. I do not knit. I do not paint. I do not decoupage, or felt, or sew. Not being able to walk for a third of the year even put a real damper on my not that fabulous, but somewhat adventurous cooking. Now it seems as if I am out of practice, and my cooking is even worse than usual. Today's dinner, baked potatoes, hardly counts as cooking.
I am very interested in politics, and have been active in civil rights activism in the past, although not in 2010. I could have made some clever feint saying my political activism in the medical marijuana and decriminalization movements "makes" change, but I found that kind of trick a little too precious.
Finally I remembered something I had at least designed. I kind of have a thing for bumper stickers, but I only like the magnetic kind: I want to be able to stay "current." If the bumper sticker is glued to the trunk, it ain't coming off, and I can't change it.
Plus, I have to have what I consider an original slogan. I was very tickled to see a great bumper sticker in Sunnyvale, "My Tibetan Terrier Is Smarter Than Your Pitbull with Lipstick." At the same time, I was SO annoyed I hadn't thought of it myself. So I really began to look around for something to sloganeer about.
This year, I was very disturbed at what I consider racist attacks against immigrants. I find the whole "anchor baby" scare particularly ludicrous. Then one day, US Representative Gohmert, (R), TX, appeared on the Sunday political news shows to warn about what he considered an imminent threat: Muslims having "anchor babies" in the US, moving back to their sordid little Muslim countries, and then raising tiny jihadists, since all Muslims are terrorists. [I am speaking from his perspective here, I hope I am clear about that; I do not agree with him one tiny bit] BUT! Then we have terrorist Muslim toddlers with US citizenship! S/he can enter and leave the country just like a real person! Horrors. Scream. Faint.
That Sunday, I made up the above bumper sticker slogan. I had it printed on a magnetized strip, in the same colors as the silly "Baby On Board" signs. I still have it on my Prius today.
It is probably time to think about a new slogan.
One thing I do enjoy doing with my hands is restoring furniture. But so far, I have only restored two pieces. I have had a piece disassembled and ready to strip for two years. I am hoping that 2011 is the Year of Refinishing the Small Mission Stand.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Dain Bramage and Neurosurgery
[Editor's note: I noticed that I often write garbled sentences in these blog posts. This is not just due to poor writing skills, but also because I often post extremely late/early, and wrap up when I feel fatigued enough to sleep. So my proof reading is often shoddy. My new policy will be I may go back into posts to correct grammar or spelling without notification. Content changes will be noted.]
Well, excitement has abounded at the home of DH and crtclms. DH was transported from his job to the ER for the second time in 10 days. This time he didn't hit his head. The prior seizure, he caught the orbital bone of his eye on the corner of his desk on his way down, which gave him an impressive shiner. This time, he went into a fugue, during which he wanders around in a semi-conscious state.
So off to the ER I went. I couldn't find my purse, and during the hunt, I had time to snap a pic. I know how long it takes them to process him, and expected to arrive before he was released, and this turned out to be true:
So, leaf-type chandelier earrings you have seen; dirty hair pulled up; new lavender top with rhinestone embellishment from recent GW hunt; ancient pair of bleach spattered jeans from dog care; they look worse than usual because I was in a hurry, and pulled on dirty jeans. One attempt to hide part of the dirt was the boots. Now, I love these boots, one of my gypsy princess purchases, and really I do understand it is a matter of personal taste, but I saw them and had to buy them. The velvet inset on the top is very close in color to the sweater:
Ah yes, the infamous computer backdrop. Hey, sometimes it is the only way I am not too lazy to take the picture.
Anyway, you can see the velvet, with embroidery, trimmed with a narrow floral band. Tweed laced through, and the seam above the ankle is tweed, too. I bought these about two years ago, and one of the nice things about them is you can wear them with a longer skirt, or under jeans, and they just look like plain brown boots.
And we are back to the Land of Fucked Up Brains: This was not only the second time in 10 days I had to go pick DH up from the ER, it was the 2nd time I had to do so with a migraine. This is not to complain about his timing, but to demonstrate what a fun month we are having generally. In the fall, my frequent migraines actually morph into "Chronic Daily Headache." This is not only painful and incapacitating, it is embarrassing: Headaches are invisible, and how many times in a short period of time would you accept the excuse, "I'm sorry, I have to cancel, I have a headache," when this is the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time in a month I have had to cancel? Only people who know me extremely well can even tell I am in the midst of a headache. Plus, migraines manifest in a lot of "non-headache" ways, which can ruin any social outing, even without actual pain. Today, for instance, I have been "buzzy" because a weather front is coming in, and migraines are often triggered by weather fronts. What does "buzzy" mean? Hard to say, but I can feel things going on in my head. However, even though it was a term I thought I came up with on my own, I found anyone who has migraines or epilepsy knows what I mean when I say "buzzy," and many already use the term to describe their own cranial happenings.
Now, the activity of having to pull myself together to get DH did distract me from the pain a bit, and other than the purse mishap, I got to Stanford pretty quickly. This is one of the first times I had been to Stanford ER in the early afternoon, usually it has been at night. ERs are SO much calmer during the day! DH was awake and alert (he apparently had awoken while being strapped to the gurney). I actually know how to read the monitor he is attached to now, and all of his vitals, including blood oxygen, were excellent.
The nurses and doctors on call were very nice, because they weren't overwhelmed. They kept coming in to tell us what stage they were at with DH's release every few minutes, which has never happened before. Then, the doctor came in, and said DH's neurosurgeon, who is the head of the Stanford Epilepsy Center, wanted to talk to us before we left. Again, a first. But we knew seizures were coming too fast and hard. What we didn't expect was how blunt his Dr. F was. When he walked into the room, the first thing out of his mouth was, "This is not acceptable." He is concerned that DH is having so many seizures it may start causing more brain damage, or that he may really hurt himself hitting his head, which DH does regularly, and we have been lucky that a black eye is the worst thing that has ever come of it.
The question for both of us: What quality of life is acceptable, and what isn't? Are the number of headaches I have by refusing to take a particular medication worth the physical intimacy, not just sexual, but day to day, I share with my husband, worth it? How many seizures, how many drug side effects, will my DH be able to tolerate, and still lead some semblance of a normal life?
Monday's ER visit brought this question into sharp relief for DH. Dr. F informed DH and myself that brain surgery could no longer be postponed until next Fall as we had planned, and that DH's job was now officially secondary to his health. This is a little scary for us, because what some of you do not know is, DH got his current job a few weeks before I started this blog. This had been after being laid off for 10 months (he had had one short job that blew up). It is a fabulous job, that he loves, and we are pretty sure they love him. We don't want him to lose it, and we frankly can't afford it, especially if DH has the surgery, and we don't resume receiving income after his recovery.
But, he has violent seizures about once a week, and less violent ones one or twice a week. He can't drive. He has had seizures on his bike, and on public transportation, so even though he isn't a danger to others, he is actually very likely to get hurt even when not behind the wheel. He has to take almost all his sick and personal days to recover from seizures. He has visible hypoxia of the brain (under-oxygenated parts) on his MRIs.
I had to stop working at my job as a doggie daycare provider because my foot was reconstructed in January, and it only now is beginning to feel like a real foot (it takes about a year to totally heal). So even though my salary was meager, I was at least working. Now, my foot is not strong enough for dog care, and my headaches are preventing any aspirations of any other part-time work. I can only work half-time, because of my migraines, and my mood disorder. Like headaches, bipolar illness is invisible, and like migraine, it limits my life even though it leaves no mark on me physically. In order to keep myself even somewhat healthy, my p-doc in Pittsburgh told me I should only work part time, or at most, a clerical level job if I were going to work full-time. So much for that Ivy League education.
The round-about point is, I am bringing in zero income myself. We might be entirely reliant on an account we were really hoping on not touching. My only "hope" is that he is eligible for disability from work or the State. His contract doesn't say he has to have worked there any amount of time in particular to be eligible for their benefits, so we have our fingers crossed, but are prepared for either possibility. [The old law student in me wanted to abbreviate that to "K," which is a legal shorthand for "contract."] Because he has only been there a few months, we don't know what kind of leave he is eligible for. He would be willing to take an unpaid leave, if it meant there would be a job to go back to. That would wipe out our savings (making Goodwill even more attractive to Ms. Hypo-mania), but we have enough. As one of my friends said to me yesterday, we can get more money, I am thankful we have what we do. DH's health is more important than our savings, any day.
We are upper middle class, even given the loss of income and savings during DH's unemployment. We have had health insurance, either through COBRA, or his new job. I know it isn't exactly the same as those families who have to declare bankruptcy, and I understand that most of our monetary hit did not come from DH's or my conditions per se. But the expense of co-pays for meds and treatment, seeing doctors, having surgery (we both will have had surgery in 2010), ER visits, the lost days to migraines, the compulsive spending that often accompanies my mood changes, it helps to chip away at our income.
Well, excitement has abounded at the home of DH and crtclms. DH was transported from his job to the ER for the second time in 10 days. This time he didn't hit his head. The prior seizure, he caught the orbital bone of his eye on the corner of his desk on his way down, which gave him an impressive shiner. This time, he went into a fugue, during which he wanders around in a semi-conscious state.
So off to the ER I went. I couldn't find my purse, and during the hunt, I had time to snap a pic. I know how long it takes them to process him, and expected to arrive before he was released, and this turned out to be true:
So, leaf-type chandelier earrings you have seen; dirty hair pulled up; new lavender top with rhinestone embellishment from recent GW hunt; ancient pair of bleach spattered jeans from dog care; they look worse than usual because I was in a hurry, and pulled on dirty jeans. One attempt to hide part of the dirt was the boots. Now, I love these boots, one of my gypsy princess purchases, and really I do understand it is a matter of personal taste, but I saw them and had to buy them. The velvet inset on the top is very close in color to the sweater:
Ah yes, the infamous computer backdrop. Hey, sometimes it is the only way I am not too lazy to take the picture.
Anyway, you can see the velvet, with embroidery, trimmed with a narrow floral band. Tweed laced through, and the seam above the ankle is tweed, too. I bought these about two years ago, and one of the nice things about them is you can wear them with a longer skirt, or under jeans, and they just look like plain brown boots.
And we are back to the Land of Fucked Up Brains: This was not only the second time in 10 days I had to go pick DH up from the ER, it was the 2nd time I had to do so with a migraine. This is not to complain about his timing, but to demonstrate what a fun month we are having generally. In the fall, my frequent migraines actually morph into "Chronic Daily Headache." This is not only painful and incapacitating, it is embarrassing: Headaches are invisible, and how many times in a short period of time would you accept the excuse, "I'm sorry, I have to cancel, I have a headache," when this is the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time in a month I have had to cancel? Only people who know me extremely well can even tell I am in the midst of a headache. Plus, migraines manifest in a lot of "non-headache" ways, which can ruin any social outing, even without actual pain. Today, for instance, I have been "buzzy" because a weather front is coming in, and migraines are often triggered by weather fronts. What does "buzzy" mean? Hard to say, but I can feel things going on in my head. However, even though it was a term I thought I came up with on my own, I found anyone who has migraines or epilepsy knows what I mean when I say "buzzy," and many already use the term to describe their own cranial happenings.
It is also humiliating as to how it affects my marriage. "Not tonight, I have a headache" isn't a "line" in my home, it is a pretty much daily occurrence. While sexual activity as a general rule is helpful to headache patients, that is only the case when they are not in the throws of an actual attack. It is upsetting and guilt inducing to feel like you are not up to being an equal partner in intimate aspects of your marriage. I actually quit a medication that was working somewhat at controlling my head, because it totally destroyed my libido, to the extent I didn't even like to be touched. My neurologist agreed with me my marriage was more important than the medication.
DH has also had horrible, life-altering side-effects from medication. A lot of people don't realize that when you have a chronic illness, you are not only dealing with the illness itself, but also with the sometimes severe and dangerous side-effects of prescription pharmaceuticals. This is why I use Cannabis, and why I feel so strongly about protecting its medical use, and legalization in general.
Now, the activity of having to pull myself together to get DH did distract me from the pain a bit, and other than the purse mishap, I got to Stanford pretty quickly. This is one of the first times I had been to Stanford ER in the early afternoon, usually it has been at night. ERs are SO much calmer during the day! DH was awake and alert (he apparently had awoken while being strapped to the gurney). I actually know how to read the monitor he is attached to now, and all of his vitals, including blood oxygen, were excellent.
The nurses and doctors on call were very nice, because they weren't overwhelmed. They kept coming in to tell us what stage they were at with DH's release every few minutes, which has never happened before. Then, the doctor came in, and said DH's neurosurgeon, who is the head of the Stanford Epilepsy Center, wanted to talk to us before we left. Again, a first. But we knew seizures were coming too fast and hard. What we didn't expect was how blunt his Dr. F was. When he walked into the room, the first thing out of his mouth was, "This is not acceptable." He is concerned that DH is having so many seizures it may start causing more brain damage, or that he may really hurt himself hitting his head, which DH does regularly, and we have been lucky that a black eye is the worst thing that has ever come of it.
The question for both of us: What quality of life is acceptable, and what isn't? Are the number of headaches I have by refusing to take a particular medication worth the physical intimacy, not just sexual, but day to day, I share with my husband, worth it? How many seizures, how many drug side effects, will my DH be able to tolerate, and still lead some semblance of a normal life?
Monday's ER visit brought this question into sharp relief for DH. Dr. F informed DH and myself that brain surgery could no longer be postponed until next Fall as we had planned, and that DH's job was now officially secondary to his health. This is a little scary for us, because what some of you do not know is, DH got his current job a few weeks before I started this blog. This had been after being laid off for 10 months (he had had one short job that blew up). It is a fabulous job, that he loves, and we are pretty sure they love him. We don't want him to lose it, and we frankly can't afford it, especially if DH has the surgery, and we don't resume receiving income after his recovery.
But, he has violent seizures about once a week, and less violent ones one or twice a week. He can't drive. He has had seizures on his bike, and on public transportation, so even though he isn't a danger to others, he is actually very likely to get hurt even when not behind the wheel. He has to take almost all his sick and personal days to recover from seizures. He has visible hypoxia of the brain (under-oxygenated parts) on his MRIs.
I had to stop working at my job as a doggie daycare provider because my foot was reconstructed in January, and it only now is beginning to feel like a real foot (it takes about a year to totally heal). So even though my salary was meager, I was at least working. Now, my foot is not strong enough for dog care, and my headaches are preventing any aspirations of any other part-time work. I can only work half-time, because of my migraines, and my mood disorder. Like headaches, bipolar illness is invisible, and like migraine, it limits my life even though it leaves no mark on me physically. In order to keep myself even somewhat healthy, my p-doc in Pittsburgh told me I should only work part time, or at most, a clerical level job if I were going to work full-time. So much for that Ivy League education.
The round-about point is, I am bringing in zero income myself. We might be entirely reliant on an account we were really hoping on not touching. My only "hope" is that he is eligible for disability from work or the State. His contract doesn't say he has to have worked there any amount of time in particular to be eligible for their benefits, so we have our fingers crossed, but are prepared for either possibility. [The old law student in me wanted to abbreviate that to "K," which is a legal shorthand for "contract."] Because he has only been there a few months, we don't know what kind of leave he is eligible for. He would be willing to take an unpaid leave, if it meant there would be a job to go back to. That would wipe out our savings (making Goodwill even more attractive to Ms. Hypo-mania), but we have enough. As one of my friends said to me yesterday, we can get more money, I am thankful we have what we do. DH's health is more important than our savings, any day.
We are upper middle class, even given the loss of income and savings during DH's unemployment. We have had health insurance, either through COBRA, or his new job. I know it isn't exactly the same as those families who have to declare bankruptcy, and I understand that most of our monetary hit did not come from DH's or my conditions per se. But the expense of co-pays for meds and treatment, seeing doctors, having surgery (we both will have had surgery in 2010), ER visits, the lost days to migraines, the compulsive spending that often accompanies my mood changes, it helps to chip away at our income.
So that can also be added to the daily cost, in money, body, and spirit, of chronic illness.
Now, I do have purchases and outfits to show you. And tomorrow is a fundraiser for a Food bank, where I intend to do some Hannukah shopping, and I will come home with other things to show you. But even the little "fashion" I did have in this post didn't seem to fit the tenor of the post, so I am saving it for this weekend. As Eddie Izzard would say, "Ciaooooo!"
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Making Hash
First of all, I have no real "i" key, I have to press really hard on wear the key *should* be to get it to type. So sorry if there are some "i"s out of place.
Plus, November is admittedly going to be erratic in terms of the "What I Wore" clothing diary portion, even though the Goodwill purchases' posts are the loose framework around which the blog is more or less constructed. November is hell month for me. I just got through a couple of days without a severe migraine, and it has been such bliss. But the fact that I expect one tomorrow as a consequence/punishment is because I just get too many damn migraines. I cannot plan what I am doing later today, let alone next week.. It happens every November. I had to cancel my Cannabis Cooking class at the last minute because of a migraine, which makes me really sad plus I think I have lost that entire tuition. I should have known better than to schedule anything in November. I am spending a lot of days in tank tops, sweat shirts, and pajama bottoms. Which as you have seen, I'd photograph, but these headaches have just sucked so hard.
Anyway, we are still scheduled to go to "Graduation" in December. Fun!
Sooo, we have been really experimenting with hash the last couple of months. We have been purchasing it from SBAC. The stuff they sell is exponentially better has than Greeway's, I have to say, as much as I adore Greeneway, as well as making our own type of hash from duff. "Duff" is the left-over vaporized plant material, which has some, but not nearly all of the cannabinoids removed from it via vaporizing. We use a relatively inexpensive vaporizer, which we got from Vapor Brothers:
I am actually kind of psyched to make our next batch of hash from duff, since I learned a whole bunch at Oaksterdam that should make our next batch better, stronger, and easier to handle and use. I know to use Everclear, and how to heat and press it properly. The stuff we have made has been pretty goopy, and burns up too fast.
But hash strains have become more routine for me to incorporate into my routine. Because you are not supposed to use a direct flame on hash, I had been improvising with paraphernalia; in particular, heating the underside of the glass bowls on the sliders on our bongs. Please Note: The glass of sliders does not take kindly to direct flame for long periods of time. One broke one day, the other the next. Oh, and then since I went to the head shop to buy a couple of replacements, I broke a brand new slider through sheer clumsiness. I am very happy with my hash pipe, and feel like it really is strong.
We found out there is a head shop, Smoke Stuff, on Yelp, about 3 miles from here. Since we broke two water pipe slides within 24 hours, plus I was curious about getting a hash pipe, I decided to head over there. Usually head shop employees are so sullen, and this guy was cheerful and friendly. He sure was enthusiastic about his products. Heh. The store was so clean, and the guy was very nice. He helped me pick out my hash pipe. We will be using that shop in the immediate future. due to my amazing slide smashing skills.
Anyway, you get a lot of bang for your buck with hash. I also bought these tiny rolled balls of keif, I cannot remember what they are called, and the way they package it meant I had to tear the label off in order to open it. But sprinkling a bit on what you are using gives it an added kick.
I am really liking Purple Dragon hash right now. Also, bud from "Humboldt Hash Plant," another good pain killer. We are still hanging on to some Burgundy Goo, for my next killer migraine (counting down in 3, 2, 1...). Hash is good at prophylaxis, and for early onset of headaches, but once they are fully established, they probably make it worse. Although it helps vomiting no matter how severe or well established.
I then also made good old fashioned potato, meat, and onion hash, this time with cubed leftover tri-tip, chopped sweet onion, cubed yukon and russet potatoes, a bit of oil, and about a third cup of beef broth. Eggs sunny side over easy. Fat city, but so good. I hadn't made a good hash in years, and it is really something I could eat almost daily, if my heart didn't scream in agony. Kidding. I have "spectacular lipid levels," so says my neurologist. I also particularly love Corned Beef hash, but have never had the balls to make it, since bad corned beef is *so very bad.*
So at this point in the blog entry, I almost feel a little bit like saying, "Okay, let's get this next part over with." But I obviously enjoy it, so what the hell. Yes, I've been to Goodwill this week. Twice. I have pictures to prove it. In fact, Thursday I drove around for a while trying to find the Salvation Army that I had done so well at last time, before throwing up my hands, and going back to one of the bigger Goodwills instead (the one on Meridian).
I actually only have "outfit" pictures from Wednesday, when oddly, I wore two outfits. That is because it was quite chilly in the AM, and warmer in the PM, and I also was dressed to go "thrifting" as I am now learning it is called. That sounds so much more socially significant than compulsive shopper, don't you think?
So the AM outfit was to take DH to the bullet train, so he wouldn't have to take the bus in the cold. I went from there to Safeway, and did quite a large shopping trip. I bought a lot of "quick" meals, for reasons I will relate below. I also bought a lot of things we were running out of, but I am really pissed because I forgot the McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal. I actually am zipping through cans of that now that I have learned to soak the oats overnight. I still am eating them four or five times a week, and not tiring of it. Thursday I cut up some strawberries, a tablespoon of sugar, and some milk for my last serving, and it was out of this world. But that was the end of my supply.
This is what I wore for the drive to the train station, and grocery shopping:
Black cotton cable-knit sweater tunic (bit long on me, but I am short, and have an enormous chest), and a pair of boot cut jeans. I own one pair of carpenter pants, but all my other jeans are boot cut, just like them better. They are a very dark blue wash, so look black in this picture. It doesn't help that I am wearing my black "motorcycle" boots. Double semi-precious beaded necklace from It's a Girl Thing.
Anyway, while I was at Safeway, I decided I was getting grossed out by the house again. This is quite a feat, I am exceedingly hard to gross out. I bought all kinds of cleaning products for people who don't know how to scrub, plus some Drano to fix our bathroom sink, which was taking about 5 minutes to empty. I am kind of in cleaning mode, but it is really one item at a time, it isn't a frenzy. I did fix the sink drain, so yay me!
I also got potatoes for beef hash, which I planned to make from leftovers from the tri-tip we had. Oh, yeah, we had a marinated tri-tip roast with roasted potatoes on Sunday. DH was so happy to eat meat, even though he doesn't generally complain. I also got a couple of nicely sized russets for baked potatoes sometime this week. Hmm, need to check our sour cream, and see how it is holding up. Anyway, we rarely have big hunks of meat like that anymore, and DH was a very satisfied diner on Sunday night. Yesterday, I completely cheated and got a Safeway refrigerated meal, which I just had to heat up: rigatoni and bolognese. If you put tomato sauce on food, DH will likely be happy to eat it. Also those strawberries I mentioned strawberries and avocados (I eat about three a week). Plus, we have chicken and potato wedges. Man, heavy on the potatoes this week.
And a lot of candy.
I went home, put away groceries, and fed Violet. I only meant to surf the net for a bit, but I was kind of still feeling my oats because I haven't been having nearly the problems with my head that I was last week. I have been beyond relaxing the last few days, just luxuriating in the relative lack of pain. I haven't been migraine free, but I have been keeping them under control with the aid of both Big Pharma, and Cannabis. Then I remembered we had broken the slides, So I headed out to Smoke Stuff.
After that, it was still before noon, and I decided to do some "thrifting." I wanted to go back to the Salvation Army. But I got totally lost trying to find the Salvation Army I went to last time when I used Smoke Stuff as my starting point. When I came back home, and looked at a map, I realized I had merely been on the wrong side of the street. Gah. I had thought about trying to get there again today, but my head and ache-y legs have pretty much nixed that idea. Or, I could go to the Salvation Army just a couple of miles from here. People were a little ruthless at the Salvation Army, and shopped out of my cart once before I was aware of it: I have had that happen to me once or twice in Goodwills since then as well, so I guard my basket.
So, Wednesday afternoon, San Jose Goodwill, on Meridian. Fortunately, one of their biggest locations, because the whole reason I wanted to go to the Salvation Army is because it's HUGE. I actually am kind of amazed that I am able to keep straight in my head what I bought on Wednesday, and what I bought on Monday, but I can. I have to take a few more pictures, of the stuff from Monday. I know these aren't the greatest pictures, but it is hard to display this sort of thing without a manikin,
Anyway, I have learned to dress with a tank top under my clothes, so I don't have to compete for dressing rooms as much (there are mirrors here and there around the stores). I wore the same jean and boots, but a pink tank top, and a fasten-less cardigan in a synthetic knit of some kind, with a empire waist (one of my Monday Santa Clara Goodwill finds). Cardigans are easy to slip off and on, so I don't freeze between trying on clothes. I also wore my new-ish flower/pouf black headband, since I know my hair gets in my eyes pulling things off and on, and it is a quick fix. In both Wednesday's pictures, I am wearing a brown braided leather belt I also bought at the Santa Clara Goodwill on Monday.
I got a small black leather hobo purse, Wilson's. I already have the big black Wilson's satchel. The handle is asymmetrical, and has two metal links on one side.
A purple and violet pin-striped oxford blouse:
This was a cute find: A blue wool knit top with cable, an empire waist, and that nice collar.
This is a light wool short-sleeved lavender top, with an scoop, and embellished keyhole neck.
Here's the embellishment:
I am not bothering to include pictures of the plain black top, and the camel-colored top with the collar with the rather restrained embellishments.
So from Monday in Santa Clara, you have seen the Black empire-waist button-less cardigan thing-y, and I am guessing you can visualize a standard brown leather braided belt. Here is a mis-sized fabric brown and pink purse, the top stripe is pale pink, compared to the flowers:
It looks brand new, and I combine pink and brown a lot. Plus, a little black lace slip skirt:
Here is a detail of the lace:
I have reached this weird place with my wardrobe. First of all, I am being pretty ruthless at discarding things I don't wear, and stuff that looks ghastly in the pictures on this blog. That doesn't mean I won't wear something over-sized, like that tunic sweater (I'm calling it a tunic because it has side slits), but to be honest, I like how that looks, even if it isn't the latest fashion. So I have enough clothes, yet because of my weeding out and organizing what I have, I know really specifically where I have holes in my wardrobe. For instance, I do have one or two navy things. But I could really use navy shoes, and a purse. A pair of navy slacks wouldn't hurt either. I don't need them, but I know that I can certainly use them. This is allowing me to be both incredibly picky, and a little more outre in my choices, because I try on things that I think, "What the hell, I like it, maybe it will work on me." And about 15% of the time, I find something good, so since there is a lot of stuff to try on, I almost always walk away with a find.
So back to less frivolous and material things: I woke up today (Friday) morning with a slight headache. So a several day break, more than I had really hoped for. But it is back, I can feel it creeping around my skull. UGH. I have to say last week's Migrane-o-rama really took the wind out of my sails, both in the sense I can still tell am still recovering days later, and also in the sense that it seems to have put a hitch in my mood, I no longer feel like I am being sent by slingshot to every destination.
Okay, this post is just getting ridiculous, I can't even proof read it it is so long. Tomorrow, I want to talk about the riveting subject of home decor. Har.
Plus, November is admittedly going to be erratic in terms of the "What I Wore" clothing diary portion, even though the Goodwill purchases' posts are the loose framework around which the blog is more or less constructed. November is hell month for me. I just got through a couple of days without a severe migraine, and it has been such bliss. But the fact that I expect one tomorrow as a consequence/punishment is because I just get too many damn migraines. I cannot plan what I am doing later today, let alone next week.. It happens every November. I had to cancel my Cannabis Cooking class at the last minute because of a migraine, which makes me really sad plus I think I have lost that entire tuition. I should have known better than to schedule anything in November. I am spending a lot of days in tank tops, sweat shirts, and pajama bottoms. Which as you have seen, I'd photograph, but these headaches have just sucked so hard.
Anyway, we are still scheduled to go to "Graduation" in December. Fun!
Sooo, we have been really experimenting with hash the last couple of months. We have been purchasing it from SBAC. The stuff they sell is exponentially better has than Greeway's, I have to say, as much as I adore Greeneway, as well as making our own type of hash from duff. "Duff" is the left-over vaporized plant material, which has some, but not nearly all of the cannabinoids removed from it via vaporizing. We use a relatively inexpensive vaporizer, which we got from Vapor Brothers:
I am actually kind of psyched to make our next batch of hash from duff, since I learned a whole bunch at Oaksterdam that should make our next batch better, stronger, and easier to handle and use. I know to use Everclear, and how to heat and press it properly. The stuff we have made has been pretty goopy, and burns up too fast.
But hash strains have become more routine for me to incorporate into my routine. Because you are not supposed to use a direct flame on hash, I had been improvising with paraphernalia; in particular, heating the underside of the glass bowls on the sliders on our bongs. Please Note: The glass of sliders does not take kindly to direct flame for long periods of time. One broke one day, the other the next. Oh, and then since I went to the head shop to buy a couple of replacements, I broke a brand new slider through sheer clumsiness. I am very happy with my hash pipe, and feel like it really is strong.
We found out there is a head shop, Smoke Stuff, on Yelp, about 3 miles from here. Since we broke two water pipe slides within 24 hours, plus I was curious about getting a hash pipe, I decided to head over there. Usually head shop employees are so sullen, and this guy was cheerful and friendly. He sure was enthusiastic about his products. Heh. The store was so clean, and the guy was very nice. He helped me pick out my hash pipe. We will be using that shop in the immediate future. due to my amazing slide smashing skills.
Anyway, you get a lot of bang for your buck with hash. I also bought these tiny rolled balls of keif, I cannot remember what they are called, and the way they package it meant I had to tear the label off in order to open it. But sprinkling a bit on what you are using gives it an added kick.
I am really liking Purple Dragon hash right now. Also, bud from "Humboldt Hash Plant," another good pain killer. We are still hanging on to some Burgundy Goo, for my next killer migraine (counting down in 3, 2, 1...). Hash is good at prophylaxis, and for early onset of headaches, but once they are fully established, they probably make it worse. Although it helps vomiting no matter how severe or well established.
I then also made good old fashioned potato, meat, and onion hash, this time with cubed leftover tri-tip, chopped sweet onion, cubed yukon and russet potatoes, a bit of oil, and about a third cup of beef broth. Eggs sunny side over easy. Fat city, but so good. I hadn't made a good hash in years, and it is really something I could eat almost daily, if my heart didn't scream in agony. Kidding. I have "spectacular lipid levels," so says my neurologist. I also particularly love Corned Beef hash, but have never had the balls to make it, since bad corned beef is *so very bad.*
So at this point in the blog entry, I almost feel a little bit like saying, "Okay, let's get this next part over with." But I obviously enjoy it, so what the hell. Yes, I've been to Goodwill this week. Twice. I have pictures to prove it. In fact, Thursday I drove around for a while trying to find the Salvation Army that I had done so well at last time, before throwing up my hands, and going back to one of the bigger Goodwills instead (the one on Meridian).
I actually only have "outfit" pictures from Wednesday, when oddly, I wore two outfits. That is because it was quite chilly in the AM, and warmer in the PM, and I also was dressed to go "thrifting" as I am now learning it is called. That sounds so much more socially significant than compulsive shopper, don't you think?
So the AM outfit was to take DH to the bullet train, so he wouldn't have to take the bus in the cold. I went from there to Safeway, and did quite a large shopping trip. I bought a lot of "quick" meals, for reasons I will relate below. I also bought a lot of things we were running out of, but I am really pissed because I forgot the McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal. I actually am zipping through cans of that now that I have learned to soak the oats overnight. I still am eating them four or five times a week, and not tiring of it. Thursday I cut up some strawberries, a tablespoon of sugar, and some milk for my last serving, and it was out of this world. But that was the end of my supply.
This is what I wore for the drive to the train station, and grocery shopping:
Black cotton cable-knit sweater tunic (bit long on me, but I am short, and have an enormous chest), and a pair of boot cut jeans. I own one pair of carpenter pants, but all my other jeans are boot cut, just like them better. They are a very dark blue wash, so look black in this picture. It doesn't help that I am wearing my black "motorcycle" boots. Double semi-precious beaded necklace from It's a Girl Thing.
Anyway, while I was at Safeway, I decided I was getting grossed out by the house again. This is quite a feat, I am exceedingly hard to gross out. I bought all kinds of cleaning products for people who don't know how to scrub, plus some Drano to fix our bathroom sink, which was taking about 5 minutes to empty. I am kind of in cleaning mode, but it is really one item at a time, it isn't a frenzy. I did fix the sink drain, so yay me!
I also got potatoes for beef hash, which I planned to make from leftovers from the tri-tip we had. Oh, yeah, we had a marinated tri-tip roast with roasted potatoes on Sunday. DH was so happy to eat meat, even though he doesn't generally complain. I also got a couple of nicely sized russets for baked potatoes sometime this week. Hmm, need to check our sour cream, and see how it is holding up. Anyway, we rarely have big hunks of meat like that anymore, and DH was a very satisfied diner on Sunday night. Yesterday, I completely cheated and got a Safeway refrigerated meal, which I just had to heat up: rigatoni and bolognese. If you put tomato sauce on food, DH will likely be happy to eat it. Also those strawberries I mentioned strawberries and avocados (I eat about three a week). Plus, we have chicken and potato wedges. Man, heavy on the potatoes this week.
And a lot of candy.
I went home, put away groceries, and fed Violet. I only meant to surf the net for a bit, but I was kind of still feeling my oats because I haven't been having nearly the problems with my head that I was last week. I have been beyond relaxing the last few days, just luxuriating in the relative lack of pain. I haven't been migraine free, but I have been keeping them under control with the aid of both Big Pharma, and Cannabis. Then I remembered we had broken the slides, So I headed out to Smoke Stuff.
After that, it was still before noon, and I decided to do some "thrifting." I wanted to go back to the Salvation Army. But I got totally lost trying to find the Salvation Army I went to last time when I used Smoke Stuff as my starting point. When I came back home, and looked at a map, I realized I had merely been on the wrong side of the street. Gah. I had thought about trying to get there again today, but my head and ache-y legs have pretty much nixed that idea. Or, I could go to the Salvation Army just a couple of miles from here. People were a little ruthless at the Salvation Army, and shopped out of my cart once before I was aware of it: I have had that happen to me once or twice in Goodwills since then as well, so I guard my basket.
So, Wednesday afternoon, San Jose Goodwill, on Meridian. Fortunately, one of their biggest locations, because the whole reason I wanted to go to the Salvation Army is because it's HUGE. I actually am kind of amazed that I am able to keep straight in my head what I bought on Wednesday, and what I bought on Monday, but I can. I have to take a few more pictures, of the stuff from Monday. I know these aren't the greatest pictures, but it is hard to display this sort of thing without a manikin,
Anyway, I have learned to dress with a tank top under my clothes, so I don't have to compete for dressing rooms as much (there are mirrors here and there around the stores). I wore the same jean and boots, but a pink tank top, and a fasten-less cardigan in a synthetic knit of some kind, with a empire waist (one of my Monday Santa Clara Goodwill finds). Cardigans are easy to slip off and on, so I don't freeze between trying on clothes. I also wore my new-ish flower/pouf black headband, since I know my hair gets in my eyes pulling things off and on, and it is a quick fix. In both Wednesday's pictures, I am wearing a brown braided leather belt I also bought at the Santa Clara Goodwill on Monday.
I got a small black leather hobo purse, Wilson's. I already have the big black Wilson's satchel. The handle is asymmetrical, and has two metal links on one side.
A purple and violet pin-striped oxford blouse:
This was a cute find: A blue wool knit top with cable, an empire waist, and that nice collar.
This is a light wool short-sleeved lavender top, with an scoop, and embellished keyhole neck.
Here's the embellishment:
I am not bothering to include pictures of the plain black top, and the camel-colored top with the collar with the rather restrained embellishments.
So from Monday in Santa Clara, you have seen the Black empire-waist button-less cardigan thing-y, and I am guessing you can visualize a standard brown leather braided belt. Here is a mis-sized fabric brown and pink purse, the top stripe is pale pink, compared to the flowers:
It looks brand new, and I combine pink and brown a lot. Plus, a little black lace slip skirt:
I have reached this weird place with my wardrobe. First of all, I am being pretty ruthless at discarding things I don't wear, and stuff that looks ghastly in the pictures on this blog. That doesn't mean I won't wear something over-sized, like that tunic sweater (I'm calling it a tunic because it has side slits), but to be honest, I like how that looks, even if it isn't the latest fashion. So I have enough clothes, yet because of my weeding out and organizing what I have, I know really specifically where I have holes in my wardrobe. For instance, I do have one or two navy things. But I could really use navy shoes, and a purse. A pair of navy slacks wouldn't hurt either. I don't need them, but I know that I can certainly use them. This is allowing me to be both incredibly picky, and a little more outre in my choices, because I try on things that I think, "What the hell, I like it, maybe it will work on me." And about 15% of the time, I find something good, so since there is a lot of stuff to try on, I almost always walk away with a find.
So back to less frivolous and material things: I woke up today (Friday) morning with a slight headache. So a several day break, more than I had really hoped for. But it is back, I can feel it creeping around my skull. UGH. I have to say last week's Migrane-o-rama really took the wind out of my sails, both in the sense I can still tell am still recovering days later, and also in the sense that it seems to have put a hitch in my mood, I no longer feel like I am being sent by slingshot to every destination.
Okay, this post is just getting ridiculous, I can't even proof read it it is so long. Tomorrow, I want to talk about the riveting subject of home decor. Har.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Pain and Prolix
Well, I haven't posted in about a week, but I have a couple of reasons for that hiatus. Migraines and garrulousness.
First things first. I just have one outfit, from last Tuesday, Nov. 2. That day was the day of the election, and DH and I went to vote shortly after 8. I wore my vintage red crinkled maxi-skirt, with my olive green, mandarin collared blouse, with 3/4's length sleeves, and with a similar crinkle to the material of the skirt. Those are the ubiquitous black penny loafer mules again.
For accessories, I wore a signed Navajo silver animal totem necklace. The earrings are the little stone turtle-ish earrings, one of the few pair of posts I have purchased since I developed a nickel allergy. I even have a barely there rash along my glass stems, because they are metal. So that was an annoying allergy to develop in midlife, as it eliminated a lot of the costume jewelry that I, as a gypsy princess, love to wear.
Finally, I wore a bobby pin with a flower made of antique silk and wool (you can see a plaid on the wool) with a vintage button for the center. Very cute, another Wychbury purchase. Yes, that little craft business appears to hold me firmly by the short hairs.
After voting, I drove DH to work, since I had a neurology appointment in Palo Alto anyway. I already had awoken with a minor headache, and had thought about canceling my neurology appointment, but since I had to drop DH off at work in Menlo Park anyway, I decided to tough it out. So I stopped for a quick breakfast at Hobee's, then shopped a bit at Sur la Table. There I found a candy thermometer, which I actually did need: I had not been able to try a couple of candy recipes in the last few months because I never bought one. I always used my mother's. I also got this silicone mini mitt pot holder, which is awesome, and of which I intend to buy more of. I was able to easily lift a very heavy Le Creuset roasting pan, with a very secure feeling grip. I am probably going to use it as a stocking stuffer this year.
My neurology appointment was essentially a bust. Plus ça change, plus c'est le meme chose. He acknowledged that we are pretty helpless right now, so we are once again raising my propranolol. I won't see him until next year, and I am hoping it will be working by then. If it doesn't work, we are not able to go higher than my current dosage, as it would probably make me develop brachycardia, and become hypo-tensive. It looks like my pulse has adjusted to the previous dose, rising from about 52-4 beats per minute, to 69 beats per minute.
Just for the hell of it, I stopped at Kara's Cupcakes, which is in the shopping center abutting the medical clinic I use, and bought a dozen mini-cupcakes. I got Java, Meyer lemon filled, and banana carmel. Oh. My. God. That banana caramel is evil, it is sooooo good. By now, my head was really starting to hurt, and I wanted to just go home, but I decided I better stop at Lucky to pick up my new script, while I was up and about. But as usual, I hit them during their lunch hour, and they were closed. I was starting to feel too awful to stay.
So that evening was a bad evening, but cleared up before bedtime. When I woke up on Wednesday, however, I had THE WORST headache. It went on and on. It was horrible. The third day I still hadn't been able to eat, but I couldn't stop vomiting. Finally, I went to bed Thursday night, with the help of some Lorazepam (brand name Ativan). I woke up Friday without a headache, but it crept back over the day. Saturday I was in misery again. I haven't had one one Sunday or Monday, so I kind of feel like I am due one tomorrow. If I don't get one, I will get some mailing done I need to do (return stuff to Nordstrom, mail Sister2's birthday gift, and pick up a couple of bong slides, as both of ours broke from becoming brittle. Two of them, within 24 hours, not dropping them, or anything.
But one of my migraine patterns is that the number of migraines starts increasing in October, and then I have one practically every day of November. When I say practically every day, I am talking 5 or 6 days a week. They aren't all the worst migraine I ever had, although half of them are really, really bad, and a couple of them have come close to my top 10-20. I developed intractable (untreatable, or difficult to treat) migraine when I was 12, so I have had 35 years of headaches to work on the "winners" list.
Medical Cannabis has helped, but not always entirely squelched my pain (although it often does). During the 3 day migraine, it helped the first day, made it worse the 2nd day, and really helped the 3rd day, as at that point I was vomiting pretty frequently. A migraine can whoop ANY painkiller's ass, no matter its strength. Cannabis is safe, has not caused a single death in modern medical history, and I cannot overdose. But it doesn't always work. If that happens, I am utterly screwed.
So, ANYWAY, returning to the initial sentence about my hiatus, the first few days after my last post, I felt panicked. I had posted something I should not have. I have a propensity to do this when my mood is screwy. My blogs have caused me problems in the past: Once the problems were with a person who was my friend at the time, L. I blogged about what I (still) believe to be unwise choices on her part. It was truly stupid of me. Not to mention, pot, meet kettle. But I said what I did out of concern for her, although that doesn't mean it was okay to do. I just am saying, contrary to what some people thought, it was not meant maliciously, I was actually blogging about my concern for her. She is no longer my friend, although I hear about her from others. I was surprised to find that I am happier without interacting with this woman, and her circle, when I thought I would be lonely. So while it was upsetting for others, and myself at the time, it ultimately did me good. That didn't make it easier for my then friend to read. But I feel like she has made even worse choices since then, so it is good I am no longer involved with her.
Not to mention, she totally used and abused one of my dearest friends, after screeching foul because she was being held responsible for the consequences of her actions. That did make me feel much less guilty about any upset I had brought to her life with my blog.
The second incident was over a family wedding, BIL2 to my now SIL2. I was a bad actor, I blogged about my distaste for the details of my then soon to be SIL's wedding, especially, what I think were breaches of etiquette, about which I am a bit of a jerk. I also did a character analysis of her that wasn't very flattering. I did call her a Bridezilla, but I had never seen the show, and actually referred to myself as Bridezilla several times in my own planning. That show really found awful women, and I guess my SIL watches a lot of TV. I just repeated what I was told by DH after his conversations he had with his father and sister (SIL!) about it. But my SIL1 wouldn't cop to it, and claimed I was making stuff up. She also told DH he should probably divorce me.
That really, really was over the line, in my opinion. How dare she. She recently sent me a "friend request" on Facebook; I unfriended all my in laws after this because while I performed the precipitating event of the fight, no one would admit I was just repeating what I had been told. SIL1 & BIL1 accused me of lying. I think they just were embarrassed that the gossip obviously arose from discussions SIL1 had with DH and their father. Rather than admit that they were providing the information, which would have infuriated SIL2, they claimed I made shit up.
I agree that I should not have posted things that affected SIL2, I had no right to her story. Which is why I am trying to be careful about overtly exposing others to criticisms or consequences from my blogged outbursts of bad judgement. But I can always delete. SIL1 found my old blog about one day after I started it, and started emailing DH every time she saw something she didn't like, whether or not it had anything to do with the family. No way am I giving her access to this blog.
Anyway, it turns out I was apparently dead right about SIL2, according to SIL1's reports to DH, but she only relayed this to DH, months after the fact. She never apologized for calling me a liar, making fun of my bipolar illness, and urging my husband to divorce me. Now she just says "Let's be friends again, I miss you" in a Facebook message. I do not miss her, nor do I want her to access to my discussions with my friends.
So that's it.
First things first. I just have one outfit, from last Tuesday, Nov. 2. That day was the day of the election, and DH and I went to vote shortly after 8. I wore my vintage red crinkled maxi-skirt, with my olive green, mandarin collared blouse, with 3/4's length sleeves, and with a similar crinkle to the material of the skirt. Those are the ubiquitous black penny loafer mules again.
For accessories, I wore a signed Navajo silver animal totem necklace. The earrings are the little stone turtle-ish earrings, one of the few pair of posts I have purchased since I developed a nickel allergy. I even have a barely there rash along my glass stems, because they are metal. So that was an annoying allergy to develop in midlife, as it eliminated a lot of the costume jewelry that I, as a gypsy princess, love to wear.
Finally, I wore a bobby pin with a flower made of antique silk and wool (you can see a plaid on the wool) with a vintage button for the center. Very cute, another Wychbury purchase. Yes, that little craft business appears to hold me firmly by the short hairs.
After voting, I drove DH to work, since I had a neurology appointment in Palo Alto anyway. I already had awoken with a minor headache, and had thought about canceling my neurology appointment, but since I had to drop DH off at work in Menlo Park anyway, I decided to tough it out. So I stopped for a quick breakfast at Hobee's, then shopped a bit at Sur la Table. There I found a candy thermometer, which I actually did need: I had not been able to try a couple of candy recipes in the last few months because I never bought one. I always used my mother's. I also got this silicone mini mitt pot holder, which is awesome, and of which I intend to buy more of. I was able to easily lift a very heavy Le Creuset roasting pan, with a very secure feeling grip. I am probably going to use it as a stocking stuffer this year.
My neurology appointment was essentially a bust. Plus ça change, plus c'est le meme chose. He acknowledged that we are pretty helpless right now, so we are once again raising my propranolol. I won't see him until next year, and I am hoping it will be working by then. If it doesn't work, we are not able to go higher than my current dosage, as it would probably make me develop brachycardia, and become hypo-tensive. It looks like my pulse has adjusted to the previous dose, rising from about 52-4 beats per minute, to 69 beats per minute.
Just for the hell of it, I stopped at Kara's Cupcakes, which is in the shopping center abutting the medical clinic I use, and bought a dozen mini-cupcakes. I got Java, Meyer lemon filled, and banana carmel. Oh. My. God. That banana caramel is evil, it is sooooo good. By now, my head was really starting to hurt, and I wanted to just go home, but I decided I better stop at Lucky to pick up my new script, while I was up and about. But as usual, I hit them during their lunch hour, and they were closed. I was starting to feel too awful to stay.
So that evening was a bad evening, but cleared up before bedtime. When I woke up on Wednesday, however, I had THE WORST headache. It went on and on. It was horrible. The third day I still hadn't been able to eat, but I couldn't stop vomiting. Finally, I went to bed Thursday night, with the help of some Lorazepam (brand name Ativan). I woke up Friday without a headache, but it crept back over the day. Saturday I was in misery again. I haven't had one one Sunday or Monday, so I kind of feel like I am due one tomorrow. If I don't get one, I will get some mailing done I need to do (return stuff to Nordstrom, mail Sister2's birthday gift, and pick up a couple of bong slides, as both of ours broke from becoming brittle. Two of them, within 24 hours, not dropping them, or anything.
But one of my migraine patterns is that the number of migraines starts increasing in October, and then I have one practically every day of November. When I say practically every day, I am talking 5 or 6 days a week. They aren't all the worst migraine I ever had, although half of them are really, really bad, and a couple of them have come close to my top 10-20. I developed intractable (untreatable, or difficult to treat) migraine when I was 12, so I have had 35 years of headaches to work on the "winners" list.
Medical Cannabis has helped, but not always entirely squelched my pain (although it often does). During the 3 day migraine, it helped the first day, made it worse the 2nd day, and really helped the 3rd day, as at that point I was vomiting pretty frequently. A migraine can whoop ANY painkiller's ass, no matter its strength. Cannabis is safe, has not caused a single death in modern medical history, and I cannot overdose. But it doesn't always work. If that happens, I am utterly screwed.
So, ANYWAY, returning to the initial sentence about my hiatus, the first few days after my last post, I felt panicked. I had posted something I should not have. I have a propensity to do this when my mood is screwy. My blogs have caused me problems in the past: Once the problems were with a person who was my friend at the time, L. I blogged about what I (still) believe to be unwise choices on her part. It was truly stupid of me. Not to mention, pot, meet kettle. But I said what I did out of concern for her, although that doesn't mean it was okay to do. I just am saying, contrary to what some people thought, it was not meant maliciously, I was actually blogging about my concern for her. She is no longer my friend, although I hear about her from others. I was surprised to find that I am happier without interacting with this woman, and her circle, when I thought I would be lonely. So while it was upsetting for others, and myself at the time, it ultimately did me good. That didn't make it easier for my then friend to read. But I feel like she has made even worse choices since then, so it is good I am no longer involved with her.
Not to mention, she totally used and abused one of my dearest friends, after screeching foul because she was being held responsible for the consequences of her actions. That did make me feel much less guilty about any upset I had brought to her life with my blog.
The second incident was over a family wedding, BIL2 to my now SIL2. I was a bad actor, I blogged about my distaste for the details of my then soon to be SIL's wedding, especially, what I think were breaches of etiquette, about which I am a bit of a jerk. I also did a character analysis of her that wasn't very flattering. I did call her a Bridezilla, but I had never seen the show, and actually referred to myself as Bridezilla several times in my own planning. That show really found awful women, and I guess my SIL watches a lot of TV. I just repeated what I was told by DH after his conversations he had with his father and sister (SIL!) about it. But my SIL1 wouldn't cop to it, and claimed I was making stuff up. She also told DH he should probably divorce me.
That really, really was over the line, in my opinion. How dare she. She recently sent me a "friend request" on Facebook; I unfriended all my in laws after this because while I performed the precipitating event of the fight, no one would admit I was just repeating what I had been told. SIL1 & BIL1 accused me of lying. I think they just were embarrassed that the gossip obviously arose from discussions SIL1 had with DH and their father. Rather than admit that they were providing the information, which would have infuriated SIL2, they claimed I made shit up.
I agree that I should not have posted things that affected SIL2, I had no right to her story. Which is why I am trying to be careful about overtly exposing others to criticisms or consequences from my blogged outbursts of bad judgement. But I can always delete. SIL1 found my old blog about one day after I started it, and started emailing DH every time she saw something she didn't like, whether or not it had anything to do with the family. No way am I giving her access to this blog.
Anyway, it turns out I was apparently dead right about SIL2, according to SIL1's reports to DH, but she only relayed this to DH, months after the fact. She never apologized for calling me a liar, making fun of my bipolar illness, and urging my husband to divorce me. Now she just says "Let's be friends again, I miss you" in a Facebook message. I do not miss her, nor do I want her to access to my discussions with my friends.
So that's it.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Title added as afterthought
Sunday I ran a few errands. I wore my new pink/purple striped blouse, a pair of Lee jeans, and my black zip up motorcycle-type boots. I had my hair pulled back with a textured brown ponytail holder, and being over the top girly, wore a little pink and black kanazashi, you haven't seen these ones before.
I wore my calla lily pendant bead necklace, sparkly earrings and bracelet (you can barely see it, stage left).
Sunday, I got to do both shopping for necessities, and some fun spending. The first necessity was a trip to SBAC to pick up some hash. I am finding it is a much better "evening dose" than the cannabis, although it sucks for the acute pain. Then I want the buds.
I had a bit of Jack Herer, and purple grandfather
<snip>
So when I went to the SBAC, I picked up a gram of Purple dragon, a gram of Sour Diesel which was top shelf. I also got an eighth of Cotton Candy Kush, which even though it is a hybrid, is supposed to be as close to a heavy sativa as he had, even though he had sativas. Then because I had spent a minimum amount, I received a half gram of pineapple diesel hash as an incentive. Have I said how much I love this apothecary? They are so well priced, and they have incentive programs. Given the absolute hell of some of these migraines, and the fact I cannot get to an ER because DH cannot drive, I finally conceded I need a "knock me out cold" strength strain sometimes, and that is the Cotton Candy Kush. Until now, I had purposely avoided going into a coma, because I generally want to always be just a couple of hours away from sober. But migraines I consider ER worthy would mean I was as good as knocked out anyway.
The other necessities were a couple of Wacoal bras. That gives me four bras that are the right size, so that should be okay. Those suckers cost, but I have learned that you get what you pay for when it comes to bras; you save more money by making the initial investment than you do having to replace the cheapo bras every two months. The joys of big tits
Then I went to (wait for it)...Lush. WHeeeee! I still had about $70 on the Amex gift card, which I spentspentspent. Realize, I bought small pieces of everything but the shampoo, so I wasn't paying the prices on the website. I actually was almost out of my facial cleanser, Angels on Bare Skin. It will be gone by next weekend, when I am busy, and god forbid I run out for even one second. Although realistically, with all the headaches, I probably was wise to just get it over with on a day I felt okay.... I also wanted to get a makeup remover, since the cleanser doesn't do that. I wanted to see if they had a solid dandruff shampoo, and to buy some more jelly soap. They figured out a much better way of packaging the jelly, and it will be a lot easier to use.
I always tell them my age, because I want the products for aging. I am still vain enough to get a kick from the shocked look on their faces, since I don't look 47. So the cleanser recommended was Ultra Bland. The shampoo for dandruff is called Soak Float, so I got a bar of that, and a round tin to keep it in.
I also got some of their special "Day of the Dead" soap, Catrina, and the jelly the Calacas. So fun. And my gift card covered everything, with less than a dollar to spare.
<snip>
Ugh, this post is also showing bad judgement. But I feel like I needed to "discuss" it.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Goodwill and cash
So I am behind in what I wore. Also behind in what I have purchased. This is going to be a photo dump. But last weekend I was so busy with class, I was zonked when I got home. This week, I had so many headaches, I didn't even dress Wednesday. Then yesterday, I am certain I took a picture, because I keep taking them until they are almost in focus (har) and I saw the picture. I must have deleted it by accident, but I know I will wear that outfit again, because it was easy and it matched.
Monday, I had the headache I had managed to put off during the weekend. Saturday and Sunday, I did have to pop a couple of Imitrex, but survived. I am wearing the "Yes on Prop 19" t shirt I bought at the bookstore at Oaksterdam U. Awful jeans, they are going into the Goodwill bag, I think they are Target. And suede Doc Martens MJs.
Tuesday I felt better, and of course, that meant shopping. Goodwill this time, and I picked out a great deal of stuff for $31 and change. My spending still sucks, because I am no longer limiting it to Goodwill, though. :(
The top is NY & Co., a turquoise empire top that is distorted by my hips. The fabric has a kind of gather all over it, you can kind of see it. Textured fabric is supposed to de-emphasize a lack of waist, and I have to admit, it almost looks like I have a waist in this picture. The skirt is Costco, and I keep almost giving it away. But it is like a pair of jeans. I see it hits my legs in a horrible spot, so into the Goodwill bag it goes. The shoes are some black penny loafer mules. The hairband was some excessive shopping I did in beauty supply store.
I got that headband in black and ivory. It has an embossed fabric overlay, and a flower pouf-thing. I am into flowers and pouf at the moment. I also got a pretty claw clip (it doesn't have that butterfly hinge that is so awful), and a fuzzy ponytail holder. Then I bought what I actually went in there for: One of those dye wands for touching up your roots, and a waxing kit. The wand works pretty well, but it is a little more work than I expected. It lasts between washes, you can get it wet, but not soapy. The waxing kit I was going to try tonight, but decided against pulling hair out of my face while I had a headache. I still have a mask to do tonight, I am girly-girling out. BUT, my skin has been beyond fantastic. In fact, I haven't touched the spot zit treatment in days.
I am nervous about the waxing kit. I have an eyebrow pencil just in case.
Okay, so Wednesday, I was punished for my profligacy (Goodwill finds are coming up). I was so sick, it was one of the all day ones, where you basically writhe because there is no escape in any position, or with any home remedy. So no picture.
Thursday I didn't feel great, but I had to get to the supermarket to pick up our meds, DH was about to totally run out. You've seen that shirt before, in a variety of colors. I wore the black one on Friday. I look like shit in general, and those are the same awful jeans. That is an old Target purse, and the shoes are pink and white mules, also from Target.
Yesterday, I wore new black knit pants I got Tuesday. They are knit, but structured (they zip up the side), so they look like nice pants, not my usual knits. The black shirt version of the pink-y shirt above, and a red Ann Taylor sweater coat (not the full length time). It is one of my favorite pieces of clothing, although to be honest, it is over-sized. I like how it looks though. I wore a pair of black skimmers (how many pair of black shoes do I own?). I wore my black hairband, and the necklace I had purchased at Eni-thing, which matched earrings I had purchased a month or so ago.
Today was an awful day. DH had a seizure, I woke up with a vomit inducing migraine, and the gardeners were here, so Violet was shrieking all day. After throwing up a few times, I remembered I had just gotten Imitrex shots on Thursday, so I took one of those. I also used a very strong Indica, "Burgundy Goo," which helped me eat something, and took away another layer of pain.
I have spent the day in pajamas, although I ran out to talk to a GOTV guy. Violet was going insane, and I said, "Violet, be nice, he's a Democrat," and he laughed. I am voting straight Dem as always. I used to split my vote, but no more.
So now we are going into one of my purchase lists, so hang on. These boots are the highest heel I can wear, but the stacked heel saves me. Ironically, I couldn't have worn them before my surgery, because my left foot was too mis-shapen.
They are definitely special occasion only.
This top is navy, and is super cute. It can be layered, and looks really cute with jeans and boots (I have a lot of boots, at the moment):
As much as you can say I am need of a particular type of clothing, blouses are it.
I used this purse Friday night when DH and I went out to eat.
This is a really cute, compact purse, I think the boa trim is visible in this pic. Again, more of a dress item.
I bought this lamp and lampshade separately. The base is actually off-white, and I am still deciding whether to pain the metal part. It is kind of incongruous, but our bed frame was jerry-rigged, we have an Eames era wrought iron bed, which is not standard size. It has a bit of an industrial look: We bolted it together, planning to paint the bolts black, but decided we liked the contrast.
So six items for $30 is not the best bargain I have knocked out, but the boots were over a third of that. The lamp was $2 total.
So that is what I bought on Tuesday.
Monday, I had the headache I had managed to put off during the weekend. Saturday and Sunday, I did have to pop a couple of Imitrex, but survived. I am wearing the "Yes on Prop 19" t shirt I bought at the bookstore at Oaksterdam U. Awful jeans, they are going into the Goodwill bag, I think they are Target. And suede Doc Martens MJs.
Tuesday I felt better, and of course, that meant shopping. Goodwill this time, and I picked out a great deal of stuff for $31 and change. My spending still sucks, because I am no longer limiting it to Goodwill, though. :(
The top is NY & Co., a turquoise empire top that is distorted by my hips. The fabric has a kind of gather all over it, you can kind of see it. Textured fabric is supposed to de-emphasize a lack of waist, and I have to admit, it almost looks like I have a waist in this picture. The skirt is Costco, and I keep almost giving it away. But it is like a pair of jeans. I see it hits my legs in a horrible spot, so into the Goodwill bag it goes. The shoes are some black penny loafer mules. The hairband was some excessive shopping I did in beauty supply store.
I got that headband in black and ivory. It has an embossed fabric overlay, and a flower pouf-thing. I am into flowers and pouf at the moment. I also got a pretty claw clip (it doesn't have that butterfly hinge that is so awful), and a fuzzy ponytail holder. Then I bought what I actually went in there for: One of those dye wands for touching up your roots, and a waxing kit. The wand works pretty well, but it is a little more work than I expected. It lasts between washes, you can get it wet, but not soapy. The waxing kit I was going to try tonight, but decided against pulling hair out of my face while I had a headache. I still have a mask to do tonight, I am girly-girling out. BUT, my skin has been beyond fantastic. In fact, I haven't touched the spot zit treatment in days.
I am nervous about the waxing kit. I have an eyebrow pencil just in case.
Okay, so Wednesday, I was punished for my profligacy (Goodwill finds are coming up). I was so sick, it was one of the all day ones, where you basically writhe because there is no escape in any position, or with any home remedy. So no picture.
Thursday I didn't feel great, but I had to get to the supermarket to pick up our meds, DH was about to totally run out. You've seen that shirt before, in a variety of colors. I wore the black one on Friday. I look like shit in general, and those are the same awful jeans. That is an old Target purse, and the shoes are pink and white mules, also from Target.
Yesterday, I wore new black knit pants I got Tuesday. They are knit, but structured (they zip up the side), so they look like nice pants, not my usual knits. The black shirt version of the pink-y shirt above, and a red Ann Taylor sweater coat (not the full length time). It is one of my favorite pieces of clothing, although to be honest, it is over-sized. I like how it looks though. I wore a pair of black skimmers (how many pair of black shoes do I own?). I wore my black hairband, and the necklace I had purchased at Eni-thing, which matched earrings I had purchased a month or so ago.
Today was an awful day. DH had a seizure, I woke up with a vomit inducing migraine, and the gardeners were here, so Violet was shrieking all day. After throwing up a few times, I remembered I had just gotten Imitrex shots on Thursday, so I took one of those. I also used a very strong Indica, "Burgundy Goo," which helped me eat something, and took away another layer of pain.
I have spent the day in pajamas, although I ran out to talk to a GOTV guy. Violet was going insane, and I said, "Violet, be nice, he's a Democrat," and he laughed. I am voting straight Dem as always. I used to split my vote, but no more.
So now we are going into one of my purchase lists, so hang on. These boots are the highest heel I can wear, but the stacked heel saves me. Ironically, I couldn't have worn them before my surgery, because my left foot was too mis-shapen.
They are definitely special occasion only.
This top is navy, and is super cute. It can be layered, and looks really cute with jeans and boots (I have a lot of boots, at the moment):
As much as you can say I am need of a particular type of clothing, blouses are it.
I used this purse Friday night when DH and I went out to eat.
This is a really cute, compact purse, I think the boa trim is visible in this pic. Again, more of a dress item.
I bought this lamp and lampshade separately. The base is actually off-white, and I am still deciding whether to pain the metal part. It is kind of incongruous, but our bed frame was jerry-rigged, we have an Eames era wrought iron bed, which is not standard size. It has a bit of an industrial look: We bolted it together, planning to paint the bolts black, but decided we liked the contrast.
So six items for $30 is not the best bargain I have knocked out, but the boots were over a third of that. The lamp was $2 total.
So that is what I bought on Tuesday.
Crazy with a Conscious
One of the items they sold was cashmere sweaters. But these sweaters were special: The animals (and even the herd's people!) were treated extra super-duper carefully, and fed delicious things. We could feel good about wearing these cashmere sweaters, they were grown on such happy, healthy, ecologically sound goats. Scrawled across the page of the magazine, in huge, italic type, was "Sweaters with a conscious...." Once we picked ourselves up off the floor, we went around begging friends and neighbors for their copies of the catalogs, so we could each have a copy, and distribute them to a few key friends.
What led me to reminiscing about this story is a pretty good example of manic thought processes, so let's see if I can write my day out, so you can see what a disordered/disorganized thought process looks like.
Last night, I decided to record a three part series on a subject, that while often discussed on my blog and various places where I go by my real name, is still controversial. I am sure you can guess what about. I already recorded the three part series, a mini-course on medical cannabis for patients, and blue-toothed them over to my computer. I spent all morning working on them, arranging materials, thinking through what I was going to say, running rough dress rehearsals. I even changed my clothes, and made my hair look reasonably nice (one more day, tomorrow it needs to be washed). I had also looked over the third segment, and decided it needed to be redone, and started pondering what I felt could be improved upon.
I had awoken with a migraine, but that is almost par for the course these days, and this was SUCH A VERY GOOD IDEA! It pushed the pain into the background. In the first part, I discuss what medical cannabis is, why I use it, and how to go about getting a recommendation (nothing illegal). I also go over civil rights, going over a few different scenarios where knowing your rights is important. I even almost manage to hide my name while demonstrating what different documents looked like. Almost.
Not that it is would be hard to trace it back to me, the real person: Those of you coming from Facebook and Twitter either know me, or are following me because I use medical cannabis. And anyone randomly coming across the blog wouldn't be able to identify me without at least affirmatively searching. Plus, all my in laws are blocked on every social network to which I belong (nice, I know. I never said I was a sweet person).
Now, the second video goes over methods of ingestion. Yes, with full on display of paraphernalia. One accumulates a great deal of it when one has consumed cannabis for over two-thirds of her life (oh, yes). I actually demonstrate one type. Yes, with the real medication.
The third segment was showing different types of cannabis, some I have, some I have containers from when I had last had it, so I could explain types I didn't happen to have. And of course, the real stuff. Several strains, and some hash. All on tape.
I was excited about it. I planned to put it up right away, but decided to wait until tonight. I'd wait until DH went to sleep.
Then the duvet from Nordstrom, the one about which I had been so excited, arrived. I opened the first box, which was one of the shams. It was so beautiful! I excitedly opened the other box, but wait a second: That wasn't the duvet I ordered, was it? I hurried back to the bookmarked site. SHIT! What I had thought was the duvet was a coverlet, and I had assumed the actual duvet was a set of sheets; it was SO different than the shams and coverlet. I didn't even really like this duvet. Plus, it is ivory. I have a stinky little dog, who has light brown hair. We had already eliminated black as an option, just at the thought of her fur woven through each stitch of fabric. This would show dirt as well. I was back to square one, plus I was 100% in love with the shams. Shams! Who would think?
Now I had to have something as close to what I had expected as possible. Those shams, I wanted those shams. I started doing frantic google searches. I got angry, then furious. I was so angry at that stupid duvet, I felt personally affronted by it. Now I was too upset to re-tape the third part of my series, and my head was killing me, all the "pain relief" of focusing on my narration was gone. I had to go lie down, the continuity of the series was going to be totally fucked up. Maybe I should start the whole thing over tomorrow? I went to take a nap for a few hours.
DH called, and told me someone had been hit by a train, so he didn't know when he would be getting in. As morbid as that is, it gave me time to calm down. I woke up completely, and realized my head felt much better. Maybe I could tape the last part over after DH went to bed. I started to actually dress up, he had said at lunchtime that he would love to go out for dinner, if my head cleared up.
....DH wouldn't like that I was going to broadcast this at all, so better to tape it when he was out, or asleep, and post it, and never let him see it....
That was kind of weird. I don't really keep things secret from DH. Yes, I am hesitant about keeping him up to date about my spending, but frankly, he looks at our bank account every day, he sees what is going out (hence his recent expression of displeasure). I pushed my concern to the back of my mind, but it did niggle.
DH came home, and we spent about hour giggling and hanging out. I was having "outbursts" of silly, but also weirdly hostile. I genuinely thought I was joking as the words flew out of my mouth, but once they were out, I would think, "Geez, that was mean!" And I would apologize. But DH thought I was a laff-riot. Still, I felt uncomfortable, it was as if a filter were gone. I might still have made those jokes if I weren't all at sixes and sevens emotionally, but I would have had the extra two seconds to think about what was about to come barreling out of my mouth, and stop it, if I thought it was unwise.
Those of you who know DH knows he has a very bizarre sense of humor. I am lucky.
We went to dinner at an Italian restaurant as close to around the corner as you can get with a Jersey barrier down the center of our major thoroughfare. We had never been before, but Yelp said really good things pretty consistently. It was so close I couldn't believe we hadn't tried it, although I am picky about Italian. Amilia's is a lovely mid-range Italian restaurant, that also sells a rather extensive list of more American-style sandwiches.
We wanted wine with dinner, so we shared a platter of bruschetta to start. Now the reviews of their bruschetta had been raves, and I had thought, "Really? Bruschetta?" I mean, I have eaten a great deal of bruschetta in my day, inside Italy and out. But holy shit, this may have been some of the best bruschetta I have ever eaten! Nomnomnom. Then I had a chicken penne dish with a cream sauce, spinach, mushrooms, fresh tomato, crisp pancetta, cubes of chicken breast, and perfect al dente pasta. I was shocked at how good it was. DH had Chicken Parm, and was also very pleased. We each had a glass of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc, from New Zealand. DH ate all his chicken, but couldn't eat the side of fettucine, or all his veggies. I got through less than half of mine, but brought it home. A yummy lunch (or more evilly, perhaps, a yummy midnight snack. Hell, a midnight gorge, there is a lot).
We came home, happy and full, and chattering away. DH was happy, because he could tell he was going to get lucky. I was happy because for once a migraine hadn't ruined a weekend evening out, for the first time in at least a month. Thing went as DH hoped. But I had a lot of trouble concentrating, and staying focused (you might not think that could even be an issue, but my mind is going a million miles an hour). It was actually somewhere mid-fuck (sorry) that I began to really start to think about what I was planning on posting on the Internet.
But it was informative and instructive! Everything I did was legal under California law, and de facto legal under Obama's administration! I want to be a cannabis activist! I have committed felonies on behalf of causes before (syringe exchange was a felony, can you believe it?)!
But this was all pre-Internet. Not to mention pre-DH. There is someone else to take into consideration.
No Fair. Why do I have to change my approach?
Wait a second. Haven't I been saying I am labile and manic? I have been cleaning a lot, but today I was so busy taping, I didn't get any cleaning done. In other words, I was still in a frenzy, it just didn't happen to involve cleaning.
And isn't one the classic symptoms of mania lack of self-awareness? Maybe I am being a little hasty. I can always post new, better, videos when I am feeling better, right? I am too embarrassed now to even run the idea by DH. I know it is the mania. This is mania, not hypo-mania. I don't know what to do.
So my conscious kicked in. Cashmere goats may be raised so you can wear a sweater in good conscience, but what really matters is I got my self-consciousness back.
Even crazy people can be conscious.
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