Etsy as Therapy

Well, yes.  I haven't written in quite a while.  Sadly, the reason is that my headaches have continued to be an issue.  Not only has this meant I haven't been thrifting, it also means I haven't been getting dressed in "real" clothes very often; I spend most days in t shirts and shorts.  I was actually excited to pull together an outfit today and yesterday, but the bedroom is in no shape for me to start taking pictures of myself again.

This does not mean, however, that I have made no purchases at all.  In fact, jewelery has been something that I have purchased a great deal of: With accessories, such as jewelry, you can see it online, judge the length, width, size, etc, and as long as you fit that measurement, you know it will look good!

The most exciting purchase has been my eternity ring, which I got ahead of our 10th Anniversary, which is next month.  I actually received it in April, and DH has received his (a different style) as well.  Unfortunately, he has to resize it (NOT our fault), but it is a lovely ring.  The ring I got was a narrow (2m) rounded yellow gold band, with 15 tiny white sapphires embedded inset into the gold, i.e., not channel set.  I personally am opposed to diamonds, although DH got diamonds (tiny ones, very discrete) in his ring. Anyway, here is mine: 

This ring seems so much prettier to me than the standard diamond channel set ones.   I love it, and I wear it on my ring finger with my wedding ring.   These days, because our anniversary is a month from tomorrow, I have also been wearing the ring DH got me for our 5th anniversary, a blue sapphire in a gold art-deco style setting.

Plus, this ring got me excited about white sapphires. Sapphires are my birthstone, and I know that they come in all colors, but I had never thought of white sapphires as a work around for my dislike for diamonds, which is based on my political beliefs.  And the quality of stones is better, because it is not as expensive a stone in the first place. 

This discovery had me digging around for white sapphire earrings.  My ears are very sensitive, and need good quality earrings in them as "retainers," so when I want to wear a base metal, I can get away with it for a day.  Then I immediately put good earrings back in again.  Well these are my current "retainer earrings," white sapphire studs: 

Now these were more "fine jewelry" purchases, which I admit to wanting because an engagement ring was not financially in the cards when DH and I were engaged.  I am so glad we didn't wait, but if we could have afforded one, I would have liked one.  So this is kind of my overcompensation for that.

Let me recommend Etsy for fine jewelry:  You don't have to pay the retail markup, and even though my ring is "fine jewelry," it cost about half of what it would at a "real" jewelry store.

The rest of my purchases were costume jewelry, including a lot of 50 bracelets I bought from the online shopgoodwill.com site.  That was like having a corner of a Goodwill shop in my home, and I found a lot of vintage, and even a couple of antique bracelets!  One of the antique bracelets I saw online for $125!

Aside from that one foray into the world of mixed lots, there have been many Etsy purchases.  I am Etsy's bitch.  It has almost been like I have been using purchases from Etsy to make me feel better about how lousy I feel so much of the time.  Well, actually, it isn't "like" it; I have definitely been using purchases to cheer me up.

One of Etsy shops that was not only the first store at which I made a purchase, but that I have returned to most often, is Wychbury, which is in the West Midlands of the UK.  I have purchased hair pins, brooches, necklaces, and bracelets, they just seem to feed into my obsessive anglophile-ism.  One recent purchase was called an "herbal tea bracelet."  Of the many things I have purchased from them, this is my very favorite:

 

I also recently replaced a pretty necklace of theirs that I wore to pieces; my original one was more "english garden" themed, but this one is definitely "bluebells:"

 

They also sell hairpins made of vintage fabric and buttons.  Since my migraines have become so incredibly bad, I have had to start relying on hairpins.  Barrettes, or even the weight of my hair pulled back into a pony tail, is enough to give me a "hatband headache," which is lovely melange of both a migraine and tension headache.  Yes, you can have more than one type of headache at once.  Joy.

So I have also been active with a kind of strange charity, April's Army, which is a spin off of the hysterical site, Regretsy.com, which scours Etsy.com to put a spotlight on some of the more questionable merchandise.  One of the advantages of being a member of this charity team is that people often give discounts to other team members for no reason other than to be nice.  One instance of this was in the case of WrensEye.  She had an "Apocalypse Sale" the week of the Apocalypse that wasn't on May 21, and I swooped in and snatched up two items I had been eying covetously, at 50% off!

Coin pearl necklace

Blood drop earrings

Both really pretty.  I wear the coin pearl necklace a lot, it is just very simple and elegant.  And I love the somewhat baroque look, even though they are freshwater pearls.  

The final purchase I am going to show off for now is some more fabric hairpins, that I really love.  They are simple, and come in all different colors.  I got this set, as well as a set in neutral (white, black, brown):

These are made by PaisleyMoon

 Oh! Just one more purchase, a bit of a surprise for DH, in honor of the theme of our wedding, the Mad Hatter's Tea Party, as well as the Jabberwock Inn, where we honeymooned, celebrated our first anniversary, and are scheduled to celebrate our 10th!

Alice In Wonderland Light Switch Plate

Now this seems like a ton of stuff, but I have purchased it over the last 4 months, so it isn't as dreadful as it seems.  The big (exciting) expenditure was on my ring. 

The last week has been better than the week before.  If this week is as good or better, I might finally be able to go thrifting for the first time since December!

Pain and Purchases

First, DH's grandmother died yesterday.  He is flying back East for the funeral on Saturday, and will be back Tuesday.  He is not freaking out, but he is more upset than he is letting on.  His dad didn't think we should go, so he decided he is going alone; tickets are so expensive, PLUS all the fees they now have.  He wants to go is to see his grandfather, who is 95.  I never really knew his grandmother, because she already had Alzheimer's when I met her.  So her funeral would be more dutiful than cathartic for me.  

And having been raised Jewish, open caskets freak me out.  Just not a Jewish thing.

In migraine news, I GOT A REFERRAL TO UCSF'S HEADACHE CLINIC!  I had to stop the nortriptyline because of side effects.  They included mental confusion, urinary tract issues, lethargy, poor balance.  And when I went up to a higher dose, my mood was definitely acting up.  I was afraid I was teetering on the edge of a mixed episode.

There may have been just a bit less intensity to the headaches I am getting, but not enough to make the potentially worsening side effects worth it.  After 7 weeks, the side-effects are probably going to last as long as I take it.  I thought I was getting depressed, but now I think it was all Nortriptyline side effects.  

So finally it has come to this:  My neurologist said, "We have a lot of options!"  and immediately suggested Botox  Um, no.  Not under his supervision.  Maybe if UCSF suggests it.  Maybe.  It creeps me out.  Although, the one person I actually have "talked" to about it has loved it, and said it changed her life.  Hmmm.  Blech.

"Well, I've heard fever few an butterbar might help."   Yes, my neurologist thinks I should try herbs.  I asked about acupuncture, and his attitude was, "Sure, try whatever you want, but good luck getting your insurance to pay for it."  We shall see.  I think I am going to go see Angie at Lohaki Acupuncture, even if my insurance won't pay for it; I can start doing that about twice a month.

He also said becoming vegetarian might be a good idea.  I keep saying I want to do that, even if it is just at home.  But it boils down to my being lazy: it seems like all the recipes for main dishes are complex.  And I have trouble gauging how many fruit and vegetables we will eat before they spoil.  Part of the reason for this is that Nortriptyline lethargy has meant I haven't been cooking. At all. We have been grazing, eating cheese, cereal, canned soup, fruit, and too much candy. I keep meaning to learn how to really use beans.  I mean, I use them now and then, but I should soak and freeze batches, or something, they really are so versatile.  And I have a rice cooker, and I love oatmeal.  I guess the first step would be to take stock of which appliances I need, and which I don't, I have way too many cooking appliances.

So anyway, gah.  Oh, and after promising me he would fax the referral to UCSF on  Monday, Dr. Shithead told me it would be out by Friday.  UGH.  I already faxed stuff yesterday (Tuesday), because he TOLD me he was definitely faxing it Monday!  And he had to throw in that he couldn't see what UCSF could do that HE wouldn't already have thought of.  This is the man who does research on Google right in front of me.  I am always far more up to date on migraine treatments than he.  Whatever.  Passive aggressive shmuck.   Seriously, a passive aggressive Dr?  Could there be a worse type of MD to try to develop a relationship with?  And why wouldn't he want me to see a headache specialist after I have been having migraines for over 35 years?  Pussy.

I am his SUPAH DUPAH  NUMBAH ONE migraine patient.  Awesome for a teaching hospital, I am his walking, talking "refractory" specimen.  But he no longer has any idea what to do with me.  And I guess what this is really going to boil down to is poly-pharmacy for my migraines, as well as the BP.  He wouldn't be able to handle a poly-pharmacy approach.

I just have been out of it.  Almost 100% because of the nortriptyline, I am pretty sure.  It takes two weeks for it to be totally out of my system.  

 This is the worst period of migraines I have ever experienced, bar none.  Since last I filled you in, I also tried an stopped using propranolol, because it was clearly working as well as a sugar pill for me.  Next, I tried atenolol, which is in the same class of meds as propranolol (beta blockers), but it gave me a rare side effect: bruxism.  Because of my response to the nortriptyline, other tricyclics are also out of the question.

ANYWAY. I wanted to get back into posting items I bought.  It is an enjoyable pastime for the acquisitive Bipolar part of me, even though this time, it was all full price.  And it gives me something to riff off of, if I am desperate.

First, I was recently pointed towards a website I really like: Dog is Good.  First, I tried their t shirt grab bag: pay $25, and get three random ts. I get a tank top with bling, a light weight logo tshirt, and a tshirt with a logo that actually won a national pet product design contest: KNOW DOG, KNOW JOY, KNOW LOVE.  All very cute, and fun because of the surprise aspect.

Then on FacebookPJs, with a Frenchie on the top, "Le Chien Est Bon."  Very cute.  There is a Frenchie on the top:

There are nice details on it, like ribbon piping around the ankle, from which the hem falls away into a serge stitch hem, so a little ruffling.  And the same with the top.

Now, I really only have a bunch of new costume jewelry to show, but I am a real sucker for costume jewelry.  Unfortunately, one of my favorite necklaces' coating has rubbed off, and now the nickel is exposed to my nickel-allergic skin.

I have a pair of earrings and a necklace that are made by Kerfufle Jewelry, which I bought from one of my favorite little boutiques, Eni-thing, which supports local handmade products.  I bought the earrings first:

It's kind of hard to see, but they are small coin-like hammered metal.  I bought this necklace later:

To be honest, I go back an forth about this pendant.  Sometimes I think it is really cool, other times too garish.  Each strand that goes up to the fastener is different strand one side made of those coin-like beads, as well as a crystal strand.  But it holds up pretty well with a very simple top, because it would be too much for a pattern, imo.

On another visit at Eni-thing, I got a very inexpensive blingy elasticized bracelet.  Very simple but it goes with a lot of things:

Another fun set I collected was the Betsey Johnson French Puppy series.  I got the pendant, both pair of earrings, and best of all, the almost impossible to find charm bracelet:

There are these cute asymmetric dangle earrings, plus there is post version with the same charm: 

I also got a pendant from the same series, but it basically the same Frenchie charm as the earrings, just larger.

I also got some cool t shirts besides those from Dog is Good.  One was from Imogen Heap's Ellipse tour.  Mine actually has a white tree on a white background which is cool up close, but un-photographable, so this is just to give you an idea of the pattern: 

I also bought a cute Honest Kitchen t-shirt.  The Honest Kitchen is the freeze-dried food I feed my Frenchie, Violet.  This one says "Raw + Love = THK:

Wow. Quite a post.  

And none of it that interesting.

Nasty Little Things #reverb10

December 11 prompt:  11 Things.  What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011.  How will you go about eliminating them.  How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?  -Sam Davidson


1.  Migraines.  I will probably not ever be able to totally eradicate migraines from my life.  But I am trying a class of medication I have never tried before for migraine, SSRIs.  SSRIs are anti-depressants, but are used off label to control migraine. Cymbalta seems to be the SSRI I hear about most often in relation to migraine.  If the Cymbalta doesn't work,   I am finally going to risk hurting my neurologist's feelings, and ask for a referral to the Headache Clinic at UCSF Mount Zion.  35 years is enough with generalists, I need a specialist.  Any lessening of the numbers or severity of migraines is quite frankly a quality of life issue.

2.  Seizures.  My husband's that is.  2011 will be the year DH has surgery to see if they can lessen the number or severity, or maybe even stop altogether, his roughly weekly seizures.  This would be a wonderful change for both of us.  He would be able to drive again, which would make him so happy.  I would be so happy with any improvement.  My life with DH will be wonderful no matter the number of seizures, but of course I want him to stop having them altogether.

3.  The metal in my foot.  In January of 2010, I had my left foot entirely reconstructed:  My heel bone was severed, and pulled over; a ligament was pulled and pinned to help create an arch for my foot; metatarsal bones were moved, and either screwed into a new place, or were fused together. An X-ray of my foot reveals one HUGE bolt on the outer side of my foot, and a cornucopia of small screws holding my foot together, in an entirely different shape than it had been before the surgery.  It looks like there is a porcupine in my foot.

My foot is much, much, better.  But it turned out I am actually allergic to the metal in the bolts they used.  I have had a peeling rash all over my foot since the surgical wounds healed.  It looks like athlete's foot, too, which is embarrassing.  The only solution is to go back in, and take all the metal out, so I am having another surgery in January or February.  Getting rid of the metal will mean I won't have horrible itching and peeling anymore.  

4.  Mixed episodes.  Mixed episodes (sometimes called agitated depression) are generally considered the worst kind of episode by bipolar patients. One has all the sadness and self-hate of depression, and all the energy and irritability of mania.  It feels like you want to crawl out of your skin, like energy is pouring out of every pore of your body, but it is all energy directed into self-loathing and anger.  My psychiatrist and I are trying to stop these by adjusting my medication.  Not a very dramatic solution, but unfortunately, the only thing dramatic about treating mental illness is when the treatments don't work.

I only started having mixed episodes consistently 5 years ago, although my first one was over 10 years ago.  I was diagnosed with bipolar illness when I was 24, and it is accepted that I experienced my first depressive episode when I was 18.  Depression and hypomania are bad, and I don't like to experience them.  But I am the most likely to harm myself or others while I am in a mixed state.  The closest I have come to being hospitalized was during a mixed state, and in retrospect, it was agreed if I got that bad again, I would be admitted.  Not having to experience horrible periods of disordered thoughts is once again a quality of life issue, for the very rudimentary reason that it would mean that I would be less likely to harm myself or others.

5.  My current state of unemployment.  Can't really do anything about this until the headaches stop, but I plan to find employment by volunteering with a couple of different Cannabis oriented non-profit organizations, in the hope of making the type of connections I need to find a good job in the Medical Cannabis industry.  Working in that field would mean I was involved in a cause I feel strongly about.  And I feel happiest about myself when I feel like I am doing something to change the world, however small the piece of it over which I have influence.

6.  Clutter.  Who's the world's worst housekeeper?  I am.  Add to that our place is cute, but tiny, about 700 square feet. DH and I are on a campaign to both get rid of stuff, and to find ways of organizing things so that there is at least a place to put everything:  I can't tidy up  if there isn't even a place for everything to go.  Clutter depresses my husband more than it does me, so an attempt on my part would make him happy.  But I am full of guilt about my lack of housekeeping skills, and finding a compromise would mean I spend less time ruminating about what a bad person and wife I am.

7.  Compulsive planning.  One of the things about being bipolar is I don't handle stress or change well.   One way I try to compensate for this is by planning for every. possible. contingency.  Ever.  For anything.  Work, trips, what to make for dinner, phone calls, when I will switch into the exit lane as I approach my exit.  Everything.  It might sound like that would be a good thing, but when I can't stop, and my mind is always racing through "what ifs," and "just in cases," all day long, it is enervating and exhausting.  At the suggestion of my psychiatrist, I am addressing it by using the technique of Mindfulness.  Just to free up the part of my brain that is constantly at work, vamping and revamping imaginary schedules, to feel quiet, and be able to accept things as they come, sounds wonderful.

8.  Friends of friends.  One of my tendencies is to try to expand my circle of friends to include the friends of my friends.  But just because someone is a friend of my friend doesn't mean I have anything else in common with them, will like them, or be able to trust them.  And eventually, if I don't like someone, I am going to say something nasty, although it is usually in response to his or her nastiness to me.  I have to realize I do not have an obligation to make nice to people I am not interested in knowing, and who usually are flummoxed, or even intimidated by me.  That sounds very, very snotty.  And I am not as impressed with my accomplishments as others might be.  But on paper, I am formidable.  It's in person that I am a sickly, whiny, lazy hermit.

9.  Compulsive shopping.  This one is going to be interesting, because I think I may have already created a work-around for this problem.  But it is equally possible I am fooling myself.

When I have mood swings, I spend.  It might be on things I need, but it usually is not.  I buy kitchen gadgets, and books, and Cd's, and DVDs, and clothes, and purses, and shoes, and gifts for my friends and family, and costume jewelry (an area of particular weakness, organic brain syndromes = love of SHIINEEE).  It is easy when my mood is stable to pretend I have a plan for dealing with and preventing it next time, but to say that is to imply I can be rational when I am crazy.  And mental illness doesn't work like that.  If it did, I could just tell myself to "cut it out," as my psychiatrist will say when he is teasing me: He knows it isn't as easy as that.

Rather than a solution, I found a work-around:  Thrift shops.   I am in a thrift shop at least once a week, and when I am feeling well, more often.  Sometimes I hit 3 or 4 in one day. But I can buy lots of items, and not spend much.  And realistically, I do need clothes, as my work clothes used to be for working with dogs, and are basically stained jeans and t-shirts.   But this way, I can spend very little, yet sate my compulsion.

I do realize this is at odds with my desire to cut back on clutter.  I'm human, so sue me.

10.  Dog nails that are too long.  I'd like to take a quarter inch off the nails of the right paw of Violet, my French Bulldog.   I use a dremel with a sandpaper bit to grind back her nails:  She has black nails, and guessing where to press down with a blade is too risky.  With a dremel, one grinds the nail back millimeter by millimeter, so one can see the approaching quick before hitting it.  And if there is a small nick, the speed of the rotation of the dremel bit cauterizes it.

But as much as I like the dremel, it took me several years to realize that the way I hold Violet when I use the dremel (football hold, if you care) meant that her right front paw was at an angle that was extremely difficult for me to reach.  Bit by bit, the two center nails of the four that hit the ground began to grow longer and longer.  Now Violet has the equivalent of coke nails.  This can be remedied by diligently trimming that paw weekly, while staying on my regular monthly schedule with her other paws.

This will make my life better because when Violet stands on my stomach, she will no longer stab me with her ridiculously long nails.

11.  Obeisance  to my mother.  My mother and I have a very difficult relationship.  We always have.  I have 3 sisters who do not have the problems with my mother that I do, but see what goes on.  They often run interference for me.

My mother has a diagnosed personality disorder, but only receives treatment for the depression that often accompanies the disorder.  It took me years (and a few shoves by some therapists and psychiatrists) to realize that my mother treated me the way she did because while she loves me instinctively, she doesn't really like who I am, and isn't really capable of loving me unconditionally.  That is heart-crushing.  

All my life, I have tried desperately to win her favor.  I wore the clothes she picked out.  I took the courses she wanted me to.  I went to the college she picked out for me, even though it was not my first choice.  I went to law school because she told me it was the only possible next step after I got laid off from a teaching position. But it was never enough.  And being the type of person who is almost never ill, she tends to think my chronic conditions are more gambits for attention that anything legitimate.

My craven attempts to placate her will be the hardest thing to give up, because her anger scares me.  But my husband has urged me to stop deferring even the smallest of life decisions to my mother.  I have begun to stand up for myself in little ways, and while my mother doesn't like it, all of my positions have been so clearly reasonable, she had no choice but to accept it.  I know from experience there will be a face to face confrontation at some point; DH will have my back in the resulting shit storm.  

Finally feeling like an adult member of the family, and not a cowed child, is a change I look forward to n 2011.

Title added as afterthought

Editor's note.  I  have decided to remove the information about my husband.  I know a lot of people have seen it, but that doesn't mean I should keep letting people see it when I am uncomfortable.  I'm sorry. 

Sunday I ran a few errands.  I wore my new pink/purple striped blouse, a pair of Lee jeans, and my black zip up motorcycle-type boots.  I had my hair pulled back with a textured brown ponytail holder, and being over the top girly,  wore a little pink and black kanazashi, you haven't seen these ones before.

I wore my calla lily pendant bead necklace, sparkly earrings and bracelet (you can barely see it, stage left).

Sunday, I got to do both shopping for necessities, and some fun spending.  The first necessity was a trip to SBAC to pick up some hash.  I am finding it is a much better "evening dose" than the cannabis, although it sucks for the acute pain.  Then I want the buds.

I had a bit of Jack Herer, and purple grandfather

<snip>

So when I went to the SBAC, I picked up a gram of Purple dragon, a gram of Sour Diesel which was top shelf.   I also got an eighth of Cotton Candy Kush, which even though it is a hybrid, is supposed to be as close to a heavy sativa as he had, even though he had sativas. Then because  I had spent a minimum amount, I received a half gram of pineapple diesel hash as an incentive.  Have I said how much I love this apothecary?  They are so well priced, and they have incentive programs. Given the absolute hell of some of these migraines, and the fact I cannot get to an ER because DH cannot drive, I finally conceded I need a "knock me out cold" strength strain sometimes, and that is the Cotton Candy Kush.  Until now, I had purposely avoided going into a coma, because I generally want to always be just a couple of hours away from sober.  But migraines I consider ER worthy would mean I was as good as knocked out anyway.

The other necessities were a couple of Wacoal bras.  That gives me four bras that are the right size, so that should be okay.  Those suckers cost, but I have learned that you get what you pay for when it comes to bras; you save more money by making the initial investment than you do having to replace the cheapo bras every two months.  The joys of big tits

Then I went to (wait for it)...Lush.  WHeeeee!  I still had about $70 on the Amex gift card, which  I spentspentspent.  Realize, I bought small pieces of everything but the shampoo, so I wasn't paying the prices on the website. I actually was almost out of my facial cleanser, Angels on Bare Skin.  It will be gone by next weekend, when I am busy, and god forbid I run out for even one second.  Although realistically, with all the headaches, I probably was wise to just get it over with on a day I felt okay.... I also wanted to get a makeup remover, since the cleanser doesn't do that.  I wanted to see if they had a solid dandruff shampoo, and to buy some more jelly soap.  They figured out a much better way of packaging the jelly, and it will be a lot easier to use.  

I always tell them my age, because I want the products for aging.  I am still vain enough to get a kick from the shocked look on their faces, since I don't look 47.  So the cleanser recommended was Ultra Bland. The shampoo for dandruff is called Soak Float, so I got a bar of that, and a round tin to keep it in.

I also got some of their special "Day of the Dead" soap, Catrina, and the jelly the Calacas.  So fun. And my gift card covered everything, with less than a dollar to spare.

<snip>

Ugh, this post is also showing bad judgement.  But I feel like I needed to "discuss" it.