December 14 prompt: Appreciate. What is the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do express gratitude for it? -Victoria Klein
December 15 prompt: 5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in 5 minutes. Set the alarm for 5 minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010? -Patti Digh
I once again have been having health problems, so I am combining some prompts, and may do so in a couple of days again.
I received the Dec. 14 prompt, and I was beginning to feel like I was being asked essentially the same thing over and over. What did you like best about X? What was the best thing you did? Where did you have the most fun? I know it isn't quite that simplistic, or overly gooey sweet. I understand it must be hard to come up with prompts. But I wonder if the authors aren't becoming too engrossed in making their prompt as "deep" as possible. I can keep only mining that single, "deep" vein for so long. I thought about skipping the prompt outright.
But then I received the December 15 prompt. These kind of timed exercises have always helped me; as I have said, I do best with a line in the sand. Plus, I felt like if I just started spewing memories, the things I appreciate might naturally rise to the surface. So I set my smart phone's timer for 5 minutes, and these are the memories that "pushed through"
-
Oregon Country Fair-Avocado Dream Boats-The Ritz-spinach and cheese turnovers-glitter-Mount Shasta, the halfway point to Veneta-Driving near Corning for olives-Trip to Lassen Volcanic National Park-Mud Pots-Almost brain surgery-More and more seizures-More and more migraines-Violet and the root canal-mixed episode-hypo manic episode-Foot Surgery-Life on a scooter-DH gets new job-Quitting daycare-S, J and H-Emptying our savings-We end the year in the black-Making it through the tough times-growing closer-planning for our 10th anniversary-Job interview at a dispensary-coloring books-shopping for jewelry-Eni-thing-It's a Girl Thing-thrift shop hunting-starting to read again-learning cribbage-Happy 9th Anniversary-DH turns 40-Niece turns 3-"Sister3" turned 40-Oaksterdam University-Medical Cannabis-activism-Violet in the yard-riding a bike-car breakdowns-Crazyboards, and blogging-Blogger, and blogging-Told my mother to back off-My mother aged significantly-My father is sick
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Now, I did corrects some spelling, and re-organize the list so it was a little more coherent to me. Out of the 49 I quickly counted (which means the actual count could be anywhere between 47 and 51), 16 (about a third) of the memories I came up with had to do with my husband's and my health and finances.
You can see by the things I italicized what was going on in our personal lives: Fears about health and money, surgeries, disappointment, and just overall stress. I know a lot of marriages are pulled apart by money and health problems. I have watched it happen to friends and enemies alike. Maybe it is because we have both spent our lives since puberty struggling with illness. Maybe it is because we both know what it is like to have negative worth, and that it is survivable: At one point right before I met DH, my finances were so bad, the FDIC wouldn't allow me to have a bank account. He had almost as bad a history. We have worked hard to build up our savings in our marriage, because we are both late to the land of "financially responsible adulthood."
For 11 months, we watched our savings dwindle. We actually were starting to think of selling parts of our 401k. I hate money. Hate. it.
So when my husband was suddenly hired at the end of August, literally days before he was scheduled to have brain surgery, it blew a hole in our plans, and I hate when there is a change of plan. Suddenly, there was not going to be brain surgery, but there was going to be income.
Much to my shock, I was torn. I had spent the entire month of August being tended to my psychiatrist, preparing myself for my husband's surgery. I wasn't intentionally trying to make it "all about me," but I just fell apart at the idea of something going wrong.
Yet when the surgery was postponed so he could take the job, I was angry at him for not doing the surgery instead. Since then, the threat of surgery has reappeared, but I have come to accept I cannot make this decision for DH. He will have it within the next year, it is just a matter of whether it is sooner or later.
So all of this depressing stuff has ironically made me appreciate my husband and my marriage more than ever. I am bad at expressing gooey emotions towards my husband. But we have had so much time together in 2010, that we were able to talk about our relationship and our marriage a lot, and no matter how difficult or thorny the topic. It never seemed to take a negative turn.
So this is not exactly riveting, but I show my appreciation for my husband and my marriage by keeping the lines of communication open, and trying to be brave enough to say things I am nervous about saying. So far, it is working.
Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dogs. Show all posts
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Letting Go: Leaving the Dog House #reverb10
This is going to be short. I have a migraine again. As I said, they are pretty much a constant for me.
This year, it looks like I am forced to give up something I really love: Caring for dogs. The 7 years prior to this one, I had worked with dogs in some capacity. First I worked at a boarding kennel and daycare. It was working there, that a dog broke my hip in a freak accident. It took me about 4 months to get back to the kennel.
I left there in 2004 to work at a high end pet retail store, ostensibly as a dog walker. That ended up being a bit of a clash of personalities: I am still friends with my old boss, but we agreed we were not suited for working together. The pet store is now defunct, although she still offers a dog walking and training service.
I briefly ran my own pet care and dog walking service, Violet and Friends. But one day, while walking a pair of Wire Hair Fox Terriers, my knee suddenly wouldn't straighten. It was a 25 year-old knee injury that had had enough.
I had to have my knee entirely reconstructed. While I was still in rehab for the knee, my DH had a seizure at Fry's Electronics, so we suddenly had to move close enough to his job that he could ride his bike. Our new place was in a different county than I than I had my business license. And it took much, much longer to recover from the knee surgery than the hip surgery. So the business was dead. But finally, in November of 2006, I was ready to head back to work.
The next job was the most fun job I have ever had. I worked at a doggie daycare. It used to be a great place, lots of room indoors and out for play, lots of beds for dogs who wanted to snooze, innumerable toys. Just after I was hired, the daycare was purchased by a man who already had another doggie daycare in another location.
There, we were trained extensively in canine behavior, and how to read dogs, and their body language. I was promoted to a "senior playgroup leader," which meant I was qualified to run shifts. I was fascinated with dog behavior, and studied it on my own.
But slowly, my left foot, the foot on the leg with the bolted hip, and remade knee, began to ache and throb. I always worked half time. But I had to cut back from 5 days to 4. I saw an orthopedist, and he looked at my foot, and said, "You don't want the surgery you need to fix that." So we agreed to try conservative approaches first. But he was already warning me, they were not going to work. We had to go through the routine to convince the insurance company I needed surgery.
So I took 4 months off work while I wore a prosthesis in a walking boot, that was supposed to reshape the bone structure of my foot. Of course, it didn't work. The next step was to get a brace to fit into my shoes, and turn my foot to the right angle. Again, ridiculously ineffective. I went back to work, but now I could only work 3 days a week. I finally went back to the orthopedist again.
This time, I had to have my foot entirely reconstructed.
I had the surgery in January. I wasn't allowed to bear any wait on my foot until April. I got out of the walking boot in June.
My foot still doesn't feel normal. My Dr. warned me I probably would never work with dogs again. I still don't like to admit it to myself. But realistically, my leg is too damaged to balance on, and I need balance to be able to handle large dogs.
So this year, I had to let go of one of my favorite things: A room full of dogs.
Some of the dogs I miss:
This year, it looks like I am forced to give up something I really love: Caring for dogs. The 7 years prior to this one, I had worked with dogs in some capacity. First I worked at a boarding kennel and daycare. It was working there, that a dog broke my hip in a freak accident. It took me about 4 months to get back to the kennel.
I left there in 2004 to work at a high end pet retail store, ostensibly as a dog walker. That ended up being a bit of a clash of personalities: I am still friends with my old boss, but we agreed we were not suited for working together. The pet store is now defunct, although she still offers a dog walking and training service.
I briefly ran my own pet care and dog walking service, Violet and Friends. But one day, while walking a pair of Wire Hair Fox Terriers, my knee suddenly wouldn't straighten. It was a 25 year-old knee injury that had had enough.
I had to have my knee entirely reconstructed. While I was still in rehab for the knee, my DH had a seizure at Fry's Electronics, so we suddenly had to move close enough to his job that he could ride his bike. Our new place was in a different county than I than I had my business license. And it took much, much longer to recover from the knee surgery than the hip surgery. So the business was dead. But finally, in November of 2006, I was ready to head back to work.
The next job was the most fun job I have ever had. I worked at a doggie daycare. It used to be a great place, lots of room indoors and out for play, lots of beds for dogs who wanted to snooze, innumerable toys. Just after I was hired, the daycare was purchased by a man who already had another doggie daycare in another location.
There, we were trained extensively in canine behavior, and how to read dogs, and their body language. I was promoted to a "senior playgroup leader," which meant I was qualified to run shifts. I was fascinated with dog behavior, and studied it on my own.
But slowly, my left foot, the foot on the leg with the bolted hip, and remade knee, began to ache and throb. I always worked half time. But I had to cut back from 5 days to 4. I saw an orthopedist, and he looked at my foot, and said, "You don't want the surgery you need to fix that." So we agreed to try conservative approaches first. But he was already warning me, they were not going to work. We had to go through the routine to convince the insurance company I needed surgery.
So I took 4 months off work while I wore a prosthesis in a walking boot, that was supposed to reshape the bone structure of my foot. Of course, it didn't work. The next step was to get a brace to fit into my shoes, and turn my foot to the right angle. Again, ridiculously ineffective. I went back to work, but now I could only work 3 days a week. I finally went back to the orthopedist again.
This time, I had to have my foot entirely reconstructed.
I had the surgery in January. I wasn't allowed to bear any wait on my foot until April. I got out of the walking boot in June.
My foot still doesn't feel normal. My Dr. warned me I probably would never work with dogs again. I still don't like to admit it to myself. But realistically, my leg is too damaged to balance on, and I need balance to be able to handle large dogs.
So this year, I had to let go of one of my favorite things: A room full of dogs.
Some of the dogs I miss:
Kaiser Sose
Chloe and Ballou
Lolli
Otis
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