Sight Seeing: Prompts 22, 23, 24 #reverb10

Hi all!  I have been sick a lot this month, so I am crazy busy trying to get these prompts done.  Sorry if parts of the next few blog posts are garbled.   We're in the stretch!

Dec.  22:  Travel.  How did you travel in 2010?  How and/or where would you like to travel this year?  -Tara Hunt   

In 2010, I travelled almost exclusively by Prius, with the exception of about 200 miles.  There was a cab ride back from the airport in January.  My friend gave me a lift to my first post-op appointment for my foot.  A few van rides and cab rides back and forth between my car dealership and my home.  A bike ride to go pick up the Prius from the dealership.  And finally, a tow truck, that carried my dead Prius to a Eugene Toyota Dealership (yes, another dealership).

I only travelled a little this year.  In January, I made a brief trip back to my hometown, Pittsburgh, to spend time with my parents, sisters, and niece.   The next travel of any sort was the Oregon Country Fair, in July.  I drove myself up and back in two day increments, spending the night in Yreka on the northern drive, and Corning on the southern one.

In August, after my husband was offered a great job after almost 11 months of unemployment, we took a short trip to Lassen Volcanic National Park.  While we had to cut our visit short, the reason for this is going to make me jump to the prompt after the next one.  Don't worry, I'll get back to the one I skipped over.

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Dec. 24:  Everything's OK.  What was the best moment that could? serve as proof that everything is going to be alright [sic]?  And how will you incorporate the discovery into the year ahead?  -Kate Inglis


If "Fraught" was the word to describe 2010, August could be considered its zenith.  We were really starting to stretch our finances to the limit.  We were discussing our options:  I had a small IRA I could sell, and DH had stocks.

Meanwhile, DH's seizures were becoming stronger, and more frequent.  His new medication, one that has been on the market for less than a year, gave him such bad side effects that sometimes he had to crawl to get around the house.

DH and his neurosurgeon, thinking that there were no more job opportunities out there for the moment, set a date for surgery.  Brain surgery that is.  Surgery that involves cutting a door in his skull, wrapping his brain with a sheet of electrodes, and then purposefully stimulating those electrodes to cause him to have seizures, in the hope of pinpointing the part of his brain where the wiring went wrong, the "focus."  At the end of the week, they would remove the sheet, and any brain they felt might be the problem (which they warned us might be golf-ball sized), and of course, put his skull back together.  Recovery is 4-6 weeks.

While DH and his neurosurgeon seemed to be handling events with aplomb, I was falling apart.  Looking at my mood chart shows I was pretty freaked out.  The chances of death were as good as nil, but I still dreaded life without him.  I also feared he would come home with a new personality, not the man I married.  I still do fear that a bit, and it turns out, he worries about it too.

The surgery date was set late in August.  I was buying pajamas, and teaching myself cribbage so we could play it in the hospital during his week stay.  About two weeks before the date, DH got a call from a financial services company:  They were interested in his experience in UI (User Interface).  Suddenly, it became a race.  Could DH get an offer before he was admitted to the hospital?

8 days before his scheduled surgery, DH received his offer.   He was so excited, he forgot to sign and fax in his contract, he just read it.  When we were on our celebratory trip to Lassen, just as we were about to head out for the day, DH got a call from his new job.  Where was his contract?   We made a dash to Redding, the nearest town of any size, and waited for a fax of another copy of his contract, had him sign it, fax it back in, then wait for confirmation of his new workplace's receipt of the document.  It took 3 tries, but at last we did it!

It had seemed like a horrible last minute nightmare when we first realized we had to get the contract in, or he wouldn't be able to start for another few weeks.  But when we knew that contract was in their hands, suddenly, DH was officially employed.   The contract was signed, the "i"s dotted, and the "t"s crossed.  We had made it.  We had lived on umemployment that lasted 6 months, and then on our savings alone for another 4 months. We are playing catch up a little with our debt, but as of January 6, all of our credit cards will be back to zero.  We have another round of surgeries and health problems to look forward to in 2011, but the outlook is so much rosier, with DH working, my foot nearly healed (meaning I can get back to my work), and really great health insurance.  

We are back.

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Dec. 23:  New name. Let's meet again, for the first time.  [Cassandra]If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be, and why?  -Becca Wilcott


Hello, my name is Cassandra.  I am the archetype of the truth teller who is ignored.  For predicting the truth time and time again, in other people's minds, I am a foreteller of doom, rather than a seer of the inevitable consequences of their own actions. I am falsely labeled "mad" when I speak truths they do not want to hear.  But when I am truly waxing crazy, my truths become harsher, and bitter.  They are just as often true.  But it is when I predict bad outcomes that come true that people are the most scared of me.

I'm not psychic.  I am a "student" of behavior.  I am a studier, a watcher, drawn to details, a collector of patterns.  It is true, everyone is different.  But what makes them different is just the differing weights of the ingredients  they share with Everyone else.  There are only so many ingredients out of which to make people, although there are always one or two without raisins, and others with nuts.  

I learned about human behavior from an expert, a psychopharmacologist who studied biologically based mental illnesses, AKA, my father.  He taught me what was normal, what was not.  He showed me the rigid patterns in which people think, the way the very words they use to conceal give them away.  I learned there were a limited array of behaviours. Some are so dreadful that it is best not to think about them.  But for all of them, it is as the old saw goes, there is nothing new on this Earth.

Sometimes, I scare and anger people with my assessments of their friends and what I foresee as the outcome of their actions.  The more often I am correct, the harder they push me away.

My plan for now is to lie low, I refuse to fall victim to any scheming Clytemnestra.  Another meaning for the name Cassandra is "defender,"  and I have always been someone who tries to defend the rights of the most marginalized members of society.   Sometimes defending is altruistic, such as helping prisoners make legal appeals,.  Other times it just means protecting myself from the consequences of mishaps created by my own peculiar recipe of perspicacity and crazy.

5 Minutes of Appreciation #reverb10

December 14 prompt:  Appreciate.  What is the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do express gratitude for it? -Victoria Klein

December 15 prompt:  5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in 5 minutes.  Set the alarm for 5 minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010? -Patti Digh


I once again have been having health problems, so I am combining some prompts, and may do so in a couple of days again.

I received the Dec. 14 prompt, and I was beginning to feel like I was being asked essentially the same thing over and over.  What did you like best about X?  What was the best thing you did?  Where did you have the most fun?  I know it isn't quite that simplistic, or overly gooey sweet.  I understand it must be hard to come up with prompts.  But I wonder if the authors aren't becoming too engrossed in making their prompt as "deep" as possible.  I can keep only mining that single, "deep" vein for so long.  I thought about skipping the prompt outright.

But then I received the December 15 prompt.  These kind of timed exercises have always helped me; as I have said, I do best with a line in the sand.  Plus, I felt like if I just started spewing memories, the things I appreciate might naturally rise to the surface.    So I set my smart phone's timer for 5 minutes, and these are the memories that "pushed through"
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Oregon Country Fair-Avocado Dream Boats-The Ritz-spinach and cheese turnovers-glitter-Mount Shasta, the halfway point to Veneta-Driving near Corning for olives-Trip to Lassen Volcanic National Park-Mud Pots-Almost brain surgery-More and more seizures-More and more migraines-Violet and the root canal-mixed episode-hypo manic episode-Foot Surgery-Life on a scooter-DH gets new job-Quitting daycare-S, J and H-Emptying our savings-We end the year in the black-Making it through the tough times-growing closer-planning for our 10th anniversary-Job interview at a dispensary-coloring books-shopping for jewelry-Eni-thing-It's a Girl Thing-thrift shop hunting-starting to read again-learning cribbage-Happy 9th Anniversary-DH turns 40-Niece turns 3-"Sister3" turned 40-Oaksterdam University-Medical Cannabis-activism-Violet in the yard-riding a bike-car breakdowns-Crazyboards, and blogging-Blogger, and blogging-Told my mother to back off-My mother aged significantly-My father is sick
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Now, I did corrects some spelling, and re-organize the list so it was a little more coherent to me.  Out of the 49 I quickly counted (which means the actual count could be anywhere between 47 and 51), 16 (about a third) of the memories I came up with had to do with my husband's and my health and finances.

You can see by the things I italicized what was going on in our personal lives:  Fears about health and money, surgeries, disappointment, and just overall stress.  I know a lot of marriages are pulled apart by money and health problems.  I have watched it happen to friends and enemies alike.  Maybe it is because we have both spent our lives since puberty struggling with illness.   Maybe it is because we both know what it is like to have negative worth, and that it is survivable:  At one point right before I met DH, my finances were so bad, the FDIC wouldn't allow me to have a bank account.  He had almost as bad a history.  We have worked hard to build up our savings in our marriage, because we are both late to the land of "financially responsible adulthood."

For 11 months, we watched our savings dwindle.  We actually were starting to think of selling parts of our 401k.  I hate money. Hate. it.

So when my husband was suddenly hired at the end of August, literally days before he was scheduled to have brain surgery, it blew a hole in our plans, and I hate when there is a change of plan.  Suddenly, there was not going to be brain surgery, but there was going to be income.

Much to my shock, I was torn.  I had spent the entire month of August being tended to my psychiatrist, preparing myself for my husband's surgery.  I wasn't intentionally trying to make it "all about me," but I just fell apart at the idea of something going wrong.

Yet when the surgery was postponed so he could take the job, I was angry at him for not doing the surgery instead.    Since then, the threat of surgery has reappeared, but I have come to accept I cannot make this decision for DH.  He will have it within the next year, it is just a matter of whether it is sooner or later.

So all of this depressing stuff has ironically made me appreciate my husband and my marriage more than ever.  I am bad at expressing gooey emotions towards my husband.   But we have had so much time together in 2010, that we were able to talk about our relationship and our marriage a lot, and no matter how difficult or thorny the topic.  It never seemed to take a negative turn.

So this is not exactly riveting, but I show my appreciation for my husband and my marriage by keeping the lines of communication open, and trying to be brave enough to say things I am nervous about saying.  So far, it is working.

Cultivating Wonder: Volcano #reverb10

Prompt #4: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?  -Jeff Davis

Here is a brief clip of the mud pot in the Sulphur Works Lassen Volcanic National Park, filmed in August of 2010.  In case you want to hear wonder, catch my "WOW!" at the end.

Well, I had a migraine Saturday, so I was not able to finish this prompt when it was "due."  But since I have already started it, I will just keep it short.

Ever since DH and I moved to California 1n early 2001, we have really taken advantage at the abundance of National Parks in the Southwest of the United States.  We try to go off season, because part of what we love is wilderness, and the silence of being alone with each other.  Something about being the only people around for miles which makes us feel free, and better able to enjoy the beauty around me.  Many of the happiest moments of our marriage have involved sliding on our butts down the side of mountains, or clinging to a rock wall.  

There is something Neolithic and powerful about seeming both a part of nature, and at the same time realizing we are only a tiny part of it.  

Our particular favorite is Death Valley, and if you have never seen it, I suggest you get a reliable car, a case of water, and head there right this very minute.  A lot of the people think of the desert as endless and brown, and I find beauty in that, too, I admit.   But Death Valley, and the desert national parks in general, are unbelievably beautiful, colorful, and full of surprises.  We tend to go to Death every other year, and still feel like we have barely explored the park.  

In 2010, with neither of use working, a trip of any length to any place was out of the question.  All year long, I went through our picture books and photographs of all the parks we had been to, felt depressed, and longed for the desert.  I particularly read up on the geography of the parks nearest us, as what I considered consolation.  

So the minute my husband received his job offer, I went to the National Park Service website, and looked for the national park with wilderness.   I zeroed in on Lassen National Volcanic Park, which is where the Cascades and the Sierras meet.  The disadvantage of Lassen was it is really a park for hikers, and my foot was still tender enough that we really couldn't go too far from the road, and really see some of the more impressive geothermal activity.  So we were delighted when we drove by a part of the park called the Sulphur Works, from which both a mud pot and a fumarole.  Neither of us had ever seen actual geothermic activity, so we were so excited to see this aspect of our geology.  

Here is a short clip of the fumarole:

So frankly, that is it for today!  I hope you find these as full of wonder as I did!