One Word: Fraught to Healing #reverb10

When I first saw this challenge on nakedjen's blog, before I even finished the sentence, the word "Fraught" popped into my mind.  It seems that in each decade of my life, there has been one year that is awful, stressful, disastrous.  My decennial Annus Horribilis to steal a phrase from Elizabeth II.  This appears to be the Annus Horribilus of my 40s.

This is indeed a year that has been fraught with drama and difficulties, as well as illness for my DH and me.  In January of 2010, my DH was entering his 3rd month of unemployment, and I had just quit my job working with dogs to have surgery to reconstruct my foot.   January 13th, I had the surgery.   In early 2011, I will have surgery to remove the metal installed in the first operation. 

DH was housebound while I recovered, because of his epilepsy (i.e., I am the sole driver in the family).  My recovery was slow, painful, and depressing.  Throughout the year, my husband and I suffered from worsening of our respective neurological illnesses. I also had several mood swings, which were particularly "fraught" with concern at the time, as I tend to spend money when my mood changes, and we had no income other than unemployment insurance, and our savings.  

Our car broke down and needed major repairs twice within two months.  We dedicated a credit card to the care of the car, and have been paying off big chunks every month, but we had always paid off our credit cards each month, 

DH had a job in May for 3 weeks that was a disaster, and which he quit.  His boss lied to the Unemployment Insurance dept, and said DH had been fired for cause, thus making sure my husband could not collect unemployment benefits.  DH was too late getting his personnel records, which demonstrated otherwise, to file an appeal.  At that point, we were living on savings alone.

As the summer progressed, DH's seizures became so severe, that we came to the decision that he was going to go ahead with a new surgical procedure that has a 50/50 chance of stopping or improving his seizures.  Yes, he is at the point that those odds actually look good.  The surgery was scheduled for late August.  I began to fall apart, as my bipolar illness makes stress extremely difficult for me to handle.

Literally 6 days before the surgery was scheduled, my DH received an offer that was more than equivalent to his last job: It has better hours, clearer expectations, and better benefits than his previous job.  It was such a relief.  We spent the next couple of weeks purchasing items and paying bills we had been stalling on until we had an income again.  The job was not willing to delay his start date for a few months so that he could have surgery, so he went for it.  

So far this fall, he has had two seizures at work, both resulting in hospitalizations.  I can't even remember how many hospitalizations he has had this year, and he goes in only for a tiny percentage of his seizures.  His neurosurgeon has insisted that DH cannot wait until next fall to have his surgery.  He will probably have it in early 2011.

As I have said, my neurological condition, migraine, and my bipolar illness have both been flaring this year, making it very difficult for me to even look for work. One more stone was that we had very expensive dental work done right before DH was hired.  Even our French Bulldog, Violet has had to have a root canal.

And as the final insult, Friday, I was bitten by a Black Widow Spider. While not deadly to the average adult, the venom in the bite is a neurotoxin, and provides quite a wallop to the system.  Headache, tremor, vomiting, heavy sweating, cramping, dizziness, diarrhea, 

We have had at least 40 doctor visits between the two of us this year.  Easily.  I have had days with multiple appointments several times this year.  The very fortunate part of all of this for us was that we were able to afford COBRA payments for our health insurance, a Cadillac Plan that included vision and dental.  Still, copays for medications and doctors' visits add up.

But even in this terrible year, there were moments of contentment and joy that auger well for 2011.  With both of us in the house 24 hours a day, we could have driven each other off the deep end.  Instead, my husband and I became closer than we have ever been.   This has been a year that has proofed our marriage.  Oddly, we have never been happier.

In July I had the joy of experiencing my second Oregon Country Fair with one of my closest friends, nakedjen.  It is hard to really describe the OCF to people, because so much of what makes it wonderful is the ambiance, which cannot be translated into words.  But if you consider yourself a dirty hippie, a faerie, or a fan of yummy food, original performers, soul-refreshing encounters, and glitter, you should definitely take a look into the Fair.  I can't wait until next July. 

But it will come as a surprise to no one, that the word I hope to be using to describe the year of 2011 next December is "Healing."  Not only from our many surgeries, but also emotionally from the stress and traumas of this year.  At times it seemed the blows would never end.  Also, more concretely, financially, as we used up our savings.  We are fortunate to have saved so much, we needed every penny.  

Healing is also a direction I may be pursuing professionally.  I have attended a course at Oaksterdam University and intend to attend more, with an eye towards getting into the medical cannabis industry.  As readers of this blog are well aware, I have benefitted from medical cannabis, and have recently become more active in the medical and recreational legalization movements.  I don't know what I would do, yet.   I liked growing it, but I don't know how I would get a job doing that.  I would like to learn to cook with cannabis, and I could see working in a commercial kitchen.  I also could see bud tending, which is being familiar with the different properties of each strain of cannabis, so as to help patients choose ones that target their conditions.  But I have to choose one of them, I think.  The weekend session I went to this past October was really fun, but unfortunately, I had a migraine for a cooking class I was registered for.  I plan on taking another weekend session in January.  A good start to the new year.

While not related to healing, there are more good things to look forward to:  My French Bulldog turns 7 on New Year's Day.  I plan to return to the Fair in July.  But perhaps most importantly, July 21, 2011 is my DH and my 10th anniversary. 

It is funny how one of the years of my life most fraught with disaster, is probably one of the happiest years of my life.