Dec. 17 Prompt: Lesson learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? -Tara Weaver
Perfect. Just as I sit down to write this, another headache is coming slamming in. The barometer is changing, and like many migraneurs, barometer changes can give me headaches. More often than not they do. But I had gotten away with the first 24 hours of this storm, so I had hoped maybe I would be spared. Sigh.
I couldn't decide how to approach the friendship prompt. I feel like I have endured a lot this year, but most of it was spent in our duplex, just my husband and myself. It was much more a year of physical and emotional stress than it was of perspective change. I know that stress and mayhem are supposed to build character, but my character can only be built up so much before it topples me with its weightiness. I know how to get through shitty times, because so much of my life has been shitty. That sounds awful, and I should make it clear I am very happy. But that is almost entirely because of my marriage. This is not to disparage my friends. And perhaps it is just a way of pointing out how dear of a friend my husband is to me. But he was the person's whose shoulder I sobbed when it all became too much. And vice versa, frankly.
We have become better friends this year. We both talk about it a lot: It is as if we have just met each other again, 10 years later. Again, a horrible year in terms of events, a fantastic year in terms of my marriage. Our family is mostly on the East Coast. I have a sister in Dallas, and a sister in Australia. We are a pretty self-contained unit, and both being shy introverts, we aren't the most social people, so we really rely on each other. I actually am more of a social person than he, which is almost scary.
Although I do think my sociability would be enhanced if I felt I could confidently accept invitations in advance. But I always risk being sick the day of. Which cleverly segues into my lesson learned in 2010. Heh.
It is hard to get me to do things at the spur of the moment. Yet I have more "memorable" moments when I say "Fuck it, let's do it," than when I try to plan ahead. I mentioned in an earlier post that I plan compulsively, and while I do not have OCD, it is considered something I need to pay attention to as part of my overall mental health. Of course, keeping an eye on over-planning is kind of a Catch-22 for me, but I do as best I can.
Whenever I say, "Okay, let's do it," I have fun. Always. Whether it is to run to a restaurant at the last minute, or catch a movie, stuff that may not seem very bold to you. But I can't even be sure I will be functional the next day, so planning for things is no good. In fact, I know I use the obsessive planning as a defense mechanism for my lack of control over my health.
And I also have a tendency to "hoard" the hours I am not in pain. Sometimes I just enjoy hanging out doing not much, when I am feeling all right. Add that time to the times I am down with headaches, and that leaves not many opportunities for spontaneity.
Spontaneity for me could mean deciding on the spur of the moment to order a fun dinner from Whole Foods for New Year's Eve. Then ordering it two weeks ahead of time. But hey, I ordered it as soon as I thought of it! And some of the joy I do find in planning comes from exactly this type of anticipation, so I actually was not being as much of a freak as usual.
But it can also mean moments of truly plunging in, and challenging myself, such as sharing the communal showers at the Oregon Country Fair, and overcoming just a little bit of my body-hatred. It also meant I decided to go to a class on the Medical Cannabis Industry. And at the moment, I am annoyed, because I had another great example of when taking a chance did something positive, and the migraine has knocked it out of my head. Grrr. Planning does have its place, I guess.
I will never be able to stop planning entirely. I see the same behavior in other family members! But I am trying to take risks, however tame they may seem to others.
In fact, I just decided to let my hair grow out its natural color (with plenty of gray), and made the hair appointment for early next week! And earlier that same day, I am going to stop off at my favorite tattoo shop to discuss my next tattoo. Wheeee!
Baby steps, people.
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